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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is unreasonable? me or DH step children and finances

79 replies

wompy1 · 04/02/2024 18:03

There is me, DH our shared DD and my husbands older son, DSS.

For context, we have never shared finances in our marriage. We earn practically the same and just pay bills 50:50 on the house and then have whatever left for ourselves out of our own respective bank accounts. I much prefer it this way (and this discussion has highlighted a big reason why to be honest)

We were having a somewhat lighthearted conversation about our DDs upcoming birthday. DH will pay for half of day to day things like her nursery, clothes etc etc. But it's very rare that he contributes much at all to things like Christmas presents, birthday presents and parties and so on. 99% of that I pay for and sort with him maybe paying a small amount toward it.

We got onto this conversation today and he said its like how he never asks me for money towards DSS's presents, he pays for all of those himself.

I gently tried to say "um hello, that's completely different?" But he wasn't seeming to get why it's different.

Is it me? I don't typically tend to contribute much at all to DSS's big christmas or birthday presents etc.. amd DH typically pays for 99% of it himself, i may put in a small sum or buy an indivial smaller present from me. But to me that is completely different to DH not contributing much to our DDs presents/parties. I guess for the glaringly obvious (to me anyway) reason that DSS isn't my child whereas DD is his.

I don't see why in order to be "equal" DSS needs 3 people contributing towards his presents from his parents but DD only has me and DH (only me practically currently).

I've always just sort of got on with it as I know he has more going out than me due to having two children and not one but it's irked me that he sees it as the same thing. I don't contribute towards DSS birthday or christmas so it's fine that he doesn't towards DD?

Is it me or is that not totally different?

OP posts:
Original poster
wompy1 · 04/02/2024 18:05

It's really highlighted to me another reason why I absolutely don't want to share finances with him as he clearly sees DSS as my joint financial responsibility in the same way DD is his which is just plain incorrect imo. He has a very involved mother for what it's worth!

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 04/02/2024 18:05

I hope your DH has his will made, and isn’t expecting you to give half to his son. And you leave everything to yours.
Is your house as tenants in common, so you leave your half to your child?

Lovingitallnow · 04/02/2024 18:08

It's not the same at all. Did he get it by the end of the conversation? Your dss is in fact better off at birthdays having 2 parents contributing as opposed To dd's one parent

TinyYellow · 04/02/2024 18:10

You’re a married couple and there are two children in the family. I’d agree that the costs of both children are a shared family expense.

Serenity45 · 04/02/2024 18:14

Jesus Christ is he usually so thick? That's quite a blind spot he has there. And with no sharing of finances I would absolutely be asking him for his share of DDs costs.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 04/02/2024 18:15

He doesn't understand that HE has 2 children. YOU have one child?

Maybe put it in terms of if you split up, you would only be responsible for your dd. He would have to pay equally for dss and dd.

KnowledgeableMomma · 04/02/2024 18:16

I guess it all depends on what you see as your family? Do you think you have 1 child or 2? If you are truly going 'fair and equal' with split finances, then you need to split everything for the whole family. Of not, DH has 2 children and is currently splitting the gift cost....he buys for one, you buy for the other.

Stephy1024 · 04/02/2024 18:17

I get what your saying op. And dss isn't biological your's but you're a family. Both kids should be treated the same by both of you. Otherwise what's the point?

PhoenixStarbeamer · 04/02/2024 18:17

He must be joking surely?!

OhcantthInkofaname · 04/02/2024 18:19

Stephy1024 · 04/02/2024 18:17

I get what your saying op. And dss isn't biological your's but you're a family. Both kids should be treated the same by both of you. Otherwise what's the point?

The point is that DSS has a mom and its not wompy.

Grumpynan · 04/02/2024 18:21

Are you raising the DSS as your own, does he live with you full time, how does his birth mother figure in.

if BM pays 50/50 with your DH then no you shouldn’t have to, and he should go 50/50 with you fir your DD

budgiegirl · 04/02/2024 18:23

It's difficult. I do get what you are saying, and no, it's not quite the same. But you are married, so DH's child is part of your family too. I'd grit my teeth and let this one slide.

UnicornPug · 04/02/2024 18:26

I‘d Tell him you’ll start contributing equally if that’s what he’d prefer, and would he be contacting DSS’s mum for her contribution to DD or should you?

Perhaps that will help him understand. Each child has 2 parents. Those two parents should pay for their children. He has 2 children so he gets to pay twice.

JollyJanuary · 04/02/2024 18:26

Really unfair that he only pays a bit towards your shared DC but expects you to pay towards his own DC. How does he justify not paying towards shared DC?

Lollypop701 · 04/02/2024 18:26

He’s seeing you as a family unit that go halves on everything, including kids. In his mind you do dd and he does ds on the present front.

If you don’t agree with this you need a conversation … and point out that ds has 2 parents contributing to his gifts and dd has one. That he has less disposable income due to having 2 children and you have one.

I can foresee this conversation going like shit Tbh, as he’s going to tell you that you knew he had a child etc. personally I wouldn’t mind contributing to dss within reason , but I would want to be clear that this shouldn’t be expected. Everyone is different, no rights or wrongs but clarity is needed

Iknowtheyareusefulstorage · 04/02/2024 18:26

Is it really about the money? As a stepchild I couldn't give a flying fig how much was spent on me, I did care about the attention I got and the undeserved resentment towards me.
Hopefully this is not the case, and good luck making sure it is always equal.

Windymcwindyson · 04/02/2024 18:29

He needs to cough up for your shared dc. Imo. I pay for my dc and df rarely stumps up for our shared dc unless I prompt him. We also have very separate finances.

Don't risk resentment setting in op..

PeloMom · 04/02/2024 18:33

Have you spelled it out to him? Some men need the very obvious to be spelled out to them to get it (not that it’s an excuse). If you explain it that if you contribute for DSS you’d expect his ex to contribute to your DD it may potentially click for him

Mumof2teens79 · 04/02/2024 18:33

Rather than splottbills 50:50 ...but not consistently as you pay all DDs.
Instead have a joint account for all joint expenses and pay in the same amount each.
Then any cost related to DD goes to this account.
I would say birthday presents for DSS and anything you do as a family also comes out of that account....but other stuff like school trips etc, should come out of DH own account.

Merryoldgoat · 04/02/2024 18:37

Stephy1024 · 04/02/2024 18:17

I get what your saying op. And dss isn't biological your's but you're a family. Both kids should be treated the same by both of you. Otherwise what's the point?

I agree with this.

And yes, I know that DSS has a mother but in my home, I’d want make both children equal and I wouldn’t be involved with a man with children (and create more of them) if I wasn’t willing to be responsible for them financially as well.

I also wouldn’t want a relationship where finances weren’t properly equally split.

I appreciate that’s my opinion, but given I know people’s capacity for that kind of openness is limited I wouldn’t create a blended family because stuff like this crops up and it’s shit.

DreamTheMoors · 04/02/2024 18:38

Draw your husband a picture.

Allmychickenscometoroost · 04/02/2024 18:39

Lovingitallnow · 04/02/2024 18:08

It's not the same at all. Did he get it by the end of the conversation? Your dss is in fact better off at birthdays having 2 parents contributing as opposed To dd's one parent

Agree. Currently dd gets nothing for her birthdays and Christmas presents from her dad. How can he not get this? He's just playing dumb

laclochette · 04/02/2024 18:41

He chose to have two kids, he can't act like he only has one when it comes to supporting them financially. That's completely unfair.
I think you've let this situation go on for a long time in a way that hasn't helped because it's become the norm. But that doesn't stop it being wrong.

Does he think you are extravagant when it comes to her gifts, parties etc and would argue that if it were only him he wouldn't spend as much as you do - or has he just literally never considered it?!

Deeply shit either way honestly unless you are hiring her a unicorn for her parties and gifting her diamonds and rubies.

SecondHandFurniture · 04/02/2024 18:42

I mean it sounds like in his head you pay for your daughter and he pays for his son, completely missing how your joint daughter came to exist. Is he thick?

carrotbagel · 04/02/2024 18:45

Completely different. He has two kids. So he should contribute towards the upbringing of 2 kids