Who is unreasonable? me or DH step children and finances

[wompy1]

There is me, DH our shared DD and my husbands older son, DSS.

For context, we have never shared finances in our marriage. We earn practically the same and just pay bills 50:50 on the house and then have whatever left for ourselves out of our own respective bank accounts. I much prefer it this way (and this discussion has highlighted a big reason why to be honest)

We were having a somewhat lighthearted conversation about our DDs upcoming birthday. DH will pay for half of day to day things like her nursery, clothes etc etc. But it's very rare that he contributes much at all to things like Christmas presents, birthday presents and parties and so on. 99% of that I pay for and sort with him maybe paying a small amount toward it.

We got onto this conversation today and he said its like how he never asks me for money towards DSS's presents, he pays for all of those himself.

I gently tried to say "um hello, that's completely different?" But he wasn't seeming to get why it's different.

Is it me? I don't typically tend to contribute much at all to DSS's big christmas or birthday presents etc.. amd DH typically pays for 99% of it himself, i may put in a small sum or buy an indivial smaller present from me. But to me that is completely different to DH not contributing much to our DDs presents/parties. I guess for the glaringly obvious (to me anyway) reason that DSS isn't my child whereas DD is his.

I don't see why in order to be "equal" DSS needs 3 people contributing towards his presents from his parents but DD only has me and DH (only me practically currently).

I've always just sort of got on with it as I know he has more going out than me due to having two children and not one but it's irked me that he sees it as the same thing. I don't contribute towards DSS birthday or christmas so it's fine that he doesn't towards DD?

Is it me or is that not totally different?

This

Op's dss has 2 dps with money.... Op's dc is getting the short straw here...

I get where you are coming from and he definitely needs to contribute to your DD as well. I have to say I'm really lucky my DH and I have 2 DSs together and I have a DD from my previous marriage. We just have one joint account which everything goes into and everything goes out of. We just buy all three of them presents as and when it is their birthday. DH has no issue whatsoever us jointly buying his stepdaughter's presents from our joint money. She's a member of our family and gets presents for us just like our sons do. I love my DH so much for that. He has been in her life since she was 4 though and now nearly 13. He just treats her like his own when she's here. I obviously don't know what your situation is

I have 3 kids, DH has one. None joint. We pay 50/50 for all their birthdays and Christmas. DSD is as much my child as she is his really and vice versa. I couldn't be with a man who didn't treat my kids the same as his own.

DsD needed braces. We paid for them (her own DM wouldn't put a penny towards it). It came out of our joint account. As it happens my DS's didn't need braces but if they had DH would happily have paid half with me, or 50% of the half that my own kids Dad wouldn't.

We spend exactly the same on each kid for their birthdays etc. Even my parents treat DsD the same and give her money every time they give my DC money.

Your DH should pay towards your DC but you should also pay towards his. Basically the way you have it arranged, you are doing that, but no money is changing hands, one is paying for one the other the other.

But in this case there is no joint account. It sounds like the DH thinks he's making things fair by not asking OP to transfer £30 to cover half a £60 gift for DSS.

Dh has 2 children he needs to pay towards whereas you have 1.

im not sure what he isn’t understanding.

I agree that emotionally and physically dss should be treated equally to dd however financially he is dhs responsibility and dh should be paying towards his 2 children’s birthday.

Classify birthday and Xmas for both kids as part of bills and you both put in the same amount into joint account

Yes dh has 2 kids but to me they are family and would treat them both as a joint expense

Surely the time to discuss this sort of stuff was when you first got together and decided to have a child together. Also sounds like you weren't direct when talking about it more recently. I would have corrected him and said I don't pay for dss because he's not my kid (since that is how you feel).

I don't think it's acceptable that he pays nothing or very little towards your dd's birthday. Both kids are his financial responsibility but only one is yours. Why on earth would you have agreed to this set up? Be honest and put him straight.

I actually think it's a bit mean of you not to contribute anything towards your stepson's birthday. I don't mean fully half, but would you really not buy him anything?

Your DH should absolutely be paying half for DD's gifts.

Why on earth would DSS's Mum pay anything for a child who is nothing to do with her?

However, the OP has married someone who already had a child, therefore that child is now something to do with OP.

She already said she buys her stepson a gift & does contribute, just not 50/50

My bad, sorry. In that case OP, YANBU at all.

But both kids aren’t treated the same. The DH doesn’t pay for HIS OWN DDs presents.

Are you honestly saying that if both kids want, say Nintendo Switches, OP should
pay £250 for their joint child and then £125 for a child that’s nothing to do with her, rather than his actual parents paying either separately themselves or splitting it between them?

DSS has 2 parents, as does OP’s DD. DH has 2 children and should be equally contributing to both. OP has one child and should contribute to them, as she already does.

I would tell him that you can't afford to be with him on these terms and ask him whether he'd prefer you to move out and make a CMS claim instead of. Fucking joker.

You do need to nip this in the bud because otherwise when it comes to uni expenses, driving lessons etc he will be saying he's paying for one so you can pay for "the other".

As it stands, if say both kids get £100 worth of presents, you are paying £100 and a bit (DD plus small DSS gift) and he is paying £50. He should be paying £50 per biological child and the mums £50 each. Just an example.

I agree that dss isn’t your child and DH has 2 lots of Christmas and birthdays for his 2 DC and he should be paying halves for joint DC.

however, the general consensus on here is that when you’re married you put everything in one pot and take all household costs (which DSS would be one) from there. I assume DH pays child maintenance out of his personal funds? If your DH earned less than you with no DSS involved, would you still expect him to pay 50% of bills or would you split proportionately? If either of you got a bonus, would you expect it to be added to household finances?

Fwiw, we basically do the same as you in my household - I have 1 DC from a previous relationship and I buy all his presents etc and DP buys a present specifically from him. We go halves on our joint DC presents. But i know that if I said to DP that my older DS needed something, he’d pay without thinking twice (something DC’s actual dad would NOT do).

Because CMS claims are so easy to put in place and effective

OP birthday presents are just one of the costs of bringing up a child. Maybe he’s considering the overall position in the round.

He needs to start supporting your dd properly.

My eldest DC isn’t my husband's child. I had two more children with my husband back to back and so it ended up with my husband being the sole provider during maternity leave to all three kids.
Despite a court order being in place my ex doesn’t pay a penny towards DC1. We are not in UK so no CMS here.
It’s not my husband’s responsibility to provide for DC1 financially but he does and I am grateful.

Thats sad, does he never treat his daughter?

We just pool finances and consider it all "family"

I never look at the monetry amounts per child. (Obviously within budgets though) as i gather they get what they need/want at the time and over the years it will all average out. Like i spent far less on our dd at xmas, compared to his, but they are older and required more expensive gifts whereas DD is so little it was cheaper toys and clothes, she will outgrow in a few months so its pointless to spend loads for the sake of it. It looked the same amount opening wise.

But its wrong he isnt wanting to spend anything for his daughter as he is so focused on dividing it up. I mean i get a lot of enjoyment being involved and helping with gifts. Happy kids faces is the best bit :(

You’ve missed my point. The OP post is about presents and birthdays, not day to day expenses. Of course DSSs mum shouldn’t contribute to DDs presents but neither should the OP have to contribute to her DSS if their finances are separate. And the husband should 100% be contributing to his own DD! Each child has 2 parents to provide for their birthday!

Forget birthday presents, you need to get your Wills sorted out Depending on who dies first could seriously impact either your child or the DSS. It looks to me like you think you only need to leave money to your child. Your husband has two equal claims on any assets. Get it sorted now.

I agree with this.

I would simply point out the DSS's parents are financial responsible for him. And DD's parents are financial responsible for her.

I didnt miss your point. You've missed mine though. OP has married someone who already has a child, surely a part of that means accepting their child into your family. It would be nice to treat both kids the same. Maybe that's why the DH doesn't contribute to his own DD's present because it kind of works out if OP pays for DD and DH pays for DSS.