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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who is unreasonable? me or DH step children and finances

79 replies

wompy1 · 04/02/2024 18:03

There is me, DH our shared DD and my husbands older son, DSS.

For context, we have never shared finances in our marriage. We earn practically the same and just pay bills 50:50 on the house and then have whatever left for ourselves out of our own respective bank accounts. I much prefer it this way (and this discussion has highlighted a big reason why to be honest)

We were having a somewhat lighthearted conversation about our DDs upcoming birthday. DH will pay for half of day to day things like her nursery, clothes etc etc. But it's very rare that he contributes much at all to things like Christmas presents, birthday presents and parties and so on. 99% of that I pay for and sort with him maybe paying a small amount toward it.

We got onto this conversation today and he said its like how he never asks me for money towards DSS's presents, he pays for all of those himself.

I gently tried to say "um hello, that's completely different?" But he wasn't seeming to get why it's different.

Is it me? I don't typically tend to contribute much at all to DSS's big christmas or birthday presents etc.. amd DH typically pays for 99% of it himself, i may put in a small sum or buy an indivial smaller present from me. But to me that is completely different to DH not contributing much to our DDs presents/parties. I guess for the glaringly obvious (to me anyway) reason that DSS isn't my child whereas DD is his.

I don't see why in order to be "equal" DSS needs 3 people contributing towards his presents from his parents but DD only has me and DH (only me practically currently).

I've always just sort of got on with it as I know he has more going out than me due to having two children and not one but it's irked me that he sees it as the same thing. I don't contribute towards DSS birthday or christmas so it's fine that he doesn't towards DD?

Is it me or is that not totally different?

OP posts:
SecondHandFurniture · 04/02/2024 20:08

So DH is father to two children and pays for one present. OP pays for one. DH's ex pays for one. Sounds legit.

Windymcwindyson · 04/02/2024 20:42

So with the theory above dss gets 2 presents and op's gets 1...?

JustCleaningtheBBQ · 04/02/2024 21:05

OP is indirectly paying for DSS anyway, if she is shouldering more of the costs for DD in order for him to have more to pay for his son.

GrumpyPanda · 04/02/2024 21:05

Pleasebeafleabite · 04/02/2024 19:32

Because CMS claims are so easy to put in place and effective

OP birthday presents are just one of the costs of bringing up a child. Maybe he’s considering the overall position in the round.

Show quote history

That makes no sense - the overall position will be even more lopsided given that OP IS contributing (through her 50:50 share of household expenses) to keeping DSS fed, clothed and housed.

OP is your DH paying any maintenance for DSS? And if so, does it come out of his own personal spending money, the joint pot, or is it used to lower his contributions?

Terrrence · 04/02/2024 21:12

I think his mistake is thinking of the 4 of you as a family whereas you do not.

pinkplate · 04/02/2024 21:12

If you were struggling for money I would expect him to contribute. If you are fine for money I would be paying 50% each for BOTH children as you're a family. One day he will have a wedding/family of his own so I would bear that in mind in regards to how you view him as your family now.

whiteroseredrose · 04/02/2024 21:20

DSS has a mother and your DH to buy his main presents; your DD should have you and your DH. But your DH obviously isn't pulling his weight on this.

TeenyTinyWiney · 04/02/2024 21:23

So DSS gets gifts from his mum, your DD gets presents from her mum...and DSS also gets presents from his dad but your DD doesn't 🤔

ilovebreadsauce · 04/02/2024 21:27

I don't see why in order to be "equal" DSS needs 3 people contributing towards his presents from his parents but DD only has me and DH (only me practically currently).

On the other hand your dd gets to live with both her parents.

Mostlyoblivious · 04/02/2024 21:27

Tread carefully here. It could be misconstrued as you don’t see DSS as family: explain that DSS has two parents financially contributing to parties and presents and DD currently has one

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 04/02/2024 21:42

Ask him when you can expect DSS’s mother’s contribution to your DD’s expenses? After all, he apparently thinks that each of the mothers of his children should be paying for all the children he’s fathered.

Windymcwindyson · 04/02/2024 21:59

2 dps yes but not equally appreciated it seems...

JanetareyouokareyouokJanet · 04/02/2024 22:01

I feel really sorry for step kids.

Tinkerbyebye · 04/02/2024 22:02

He’s nuts

i think you have to sit him down with paper and men and draw the family tree for your step child, so mum and dad, then your child so it shows him he has two children, both of whom are his responsibility. And it should also show that your step child has a mum and your DD has a mum

he should be contributing to both.

Tinkerbyebye · 04/02/2024 22:03

JanetareyouokareyouokJanet · 04/02/2024 22:01

I feel really sorry for step kids.

@JanetareyouokareyouokJanet

why? The child has two parents both of whom are responsible for the child, why should there be a third, especially when he won’t pay anything for his youngest child

ChangeAgain2 · 04/02/2024 22:06

Maybe you need to divorce him for him to understand that he is responsible for contributing towards his child.

Tbird5 · 04/02/2024 22:06

JanetareyouokareyouokJanet · 04/02/2024 22:01

I feel really sorry for step kids.

I feel sorry for the op's child. Dss gets a present of mummy and daddy but op's child gets just a present of mummy!!

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 04/02/2024 22:06

TinyYellow · 04/02/2024 18:10

You’re a married couple and there are two children in the family. I’d agree that the costs of both children are a shared family expense.

What? No. This is ridiculous. He has a mum and the OP isn’t it.

OP your partner sounds a bit thick really. He has two kids. You have one. Of course he should be paying half for any shared children expenses and he should be paying for his kid 100%.

Codlingmoths · 04/02/2024 22:06

I’d be gobsmacked too. ‘Dh we need to talk. I’m horrified that you don’t seem to think dd is your child.’ Him: What?? You: we have separate finances, and I don’t pay much towards your childrens birthdays etc. because they are not my children. you say that’s the same reason as you don’t pay towards dds birthday. So you’re saying she’s not your child. To be honest this is a total dealbreaker. I thought you were just a bit cheap and self centred and thought why contribute if I can get away with not, but now I’m angry.

Lampshadeblue · 04/02/2024 22:08

I think it’s very convenient that the way he views things means that he gets out of having to pay for one of his children and you have to pay extra.
also, Imagine how they will feel knowing that their father was never willing to contribute properly to their presents, but the happily gave to their other child.

Janetime · 04/02/2024 22:09

This doesn’t sound a very happy marriage, arguing like this over money .

i don’t beleive your step child’s expense is yours, but personally I’d be more than happy to split the cost of any present he was buying,in fact I’d want to, and have it from both of us. I find it a little odd he buys his son a gift, it’s not from you and yoh get him something seperate.

i also think he should contribute to his daughters gifts. I find the whole thing rather petty and unhealthy to be honest.

MariaLuna · 04/02/2024 22:13

He chose to have two kids

Nah, choice doesn't come into it with men. It just happens (or not).
A lot of them are quick to bail out with mother nr. 2.

But he needs to take responsibility for them now he's got them and not expect you to subsidise his child with someone else.

Stick to your guns OP. I have a feeling you'll be carrying the load one day for the child you had with him. So put that money away for you and yours for a rainy day.

Most kids in UK or the west don't need more toys.

LittleGreenDragons · 04/02/2024 22:13

But it's very rare that he contributes much at all to things like Christmas presents, birthday presents and parties and so on.
Surely you don't mean this father refuses to pay for his own child's presents? 😳

NoSquirrels · 04/02/2024 22:17

DreamTheMoors · 04/02/2024 18:38

Draw your husband a picture.

Ha! This was going to be my exact comment too.

MariaLuna · 04/02/2024 22:17

Surely you don't mean this father refuses to pay for his own child's presents?

Plenty of those dead beat dads around. Never mind presents, won't even pay for a roof over their head, clothes, bother going to school parent evenings etc.