Custody battle .. what can I expect ?

[Julias21]

Hi everyone , just again want to thank everyone who gave me advice on my last thread about my child’s father .
follow up from that thread , I sent him an email of the days I was letting him see dd, and my reasons why I reduced overnights. I then get a text from his mother saying she is contacting a solicitor for “the way you’re treating my son!” And his response to my email was “solicitors will be in touch with you then” . They also said they aren’t going to see dd anymore “until this is sorted”. So they’re the ones stopping contact not me . I offered every other weekend to sleepover and anytime during week he can come see her . So what would he be getting a solicitor for ? He is the one that was smoking cannabis around my dd with his friend when dd was in his care , and is high when she’s in his care (he lives with his mum so I feel this is why she takes over care half the time acting like my dd mother 🫠) I was told they can use my mental health against me cause it’s the only thing they have on me even though it was years ago I had some mental health issues and currently in therapy for my anxiety . Can they use this against me in court?? I genuinely don’t know why they want to take it to court . I’m seeing a solicitor myself on Wednesday and plan to ask everything but until then I’m just wondering if anyone who’s been through similar would have an idea as this would be my first time in court . Dd father had a rape allegation too so not his first time in court 🫣 thanks in advance , she’s 3 months old btw.

Firstly they rarely allow overnights for babies under a year old.

You need to build a case

Abusive messages
Not paying for the baby not buying nappies
messages where he’s drinking or drugs
Not working
Abuse towards you.

Kepp messages and notes on phone calls.

Keep open about contact - make it clear she’s available Saturday morning g sir whatever - keep a log of him not turning up or making excuses.

You need evidence - make sure you keep it.

Will they allow overnights tho if she’s been going for overnights with him and his mum previously ?

Could they fight that I was doing 50/50 with him for about a month then changing it to every other weekend ?

I’m not a bad person and still wanted them to have a bond so I reduced the time she’d be around that environment, cause I know she’d be with his mum most of the time, I seem like a bad mum now letting her go there at all ..

OP I’d be very surprised if they take this to court. I know it will be tough going it alone, but honestly it sounds like it would be best to cut that side of your baby’s family loose. Get the free half an hour by all means, but then sit and wait and see if you hear anything from them. I doubt you will.

IF they decide to take you to court, I cannot stress enough how important it is to get CAFCASS on your side. They are the court social workers who would meet with both you and your ex, separately, to hear what you have to say. Keep it factual with them, express your concerns but most of all make it super clear that your DD and keeping her safe is your priority. The court will always go with CAFCASS’s recommendations so you really need them to be backing you up. I can’t see him getting more than once a week in a contact centre personally, and he will probably be required to take regular drug tests to have contact with her. I can’t see him being arsed with any of that. And that’s if they even take it to court, which is very unlikely.

Lots of people represent themselves in family court, you don’t need a solicitor but if they get one then if you can, I would too. But it is very, very expensive. Sit tight and wait, I think the overwhelming likelihood here is that they will no longer be involved with DD’s life.

they will do everything in their power to take this to court I imagine , from what I know of them they’re not the type to give up .
but this is really reassuring and useful . Thank you

And the fact they had 50/50 contact before shouldn’t mean anything. You can explain that you are new to parenting and you thought that he would be entitled to 50/50. But you’ve since learnt that that’s not the case and it wouldn’t be in baby’s best interests, especially at this age. Every parent makes mistakes - this shows that you made a mistake, then you increased your knowledge and corrected your mistake in the best interests of your daughter. I can’t see that going against you.

I’ve just screen shotted that incase I forget but that’s really useful as I didn’t know what to say if they were going to ask why i gave them 50/50 in first place , thank u !

But when you say ‘they’, it needs to be ‘him’. His mother isn’t entitled to contact and he needs to be the one putting his case forward. From what you’ve said about him, I don’t think he will. Especially once he realises he’d be drug tested weekly.

I know I’m just used to saying they cause his mum gets so involved 😂 is testing positive for weed enough for them to stop contact ? I don’t think it’s seen as a majorly bad drug in eyes of the law

It’s hard to say until it goes to court. But I can’t see anyone saying it’s fine to be wheeling a newborn around to his mate’s house for a smoke. Again the fact that you drastically reduced contact after learning this shows you are trying to safeguard your daughter. This article might be helpful.

https://www.incourt.co.uk/amp/why-are-drug-or-alcohol-tests-ordered-in-child-custody-case

@LorlieS i disagree, I definitely don’t think they favour men. In all other aspects of life, yes but not in family court.

The court can request drug tests.

Ohh thank you

Hi OP, please do not worry. I was taken to court in 2018 by my alcoholic ex as I was being unreasonable trying to keep them safe from him l (he was drinking and drink driving with them when they were 4 and 2)

I was more than happy for him to take me to court tbh although it was a very stressful process.
My advice would be to take notes, keep it all documented. No phone calls, you need written proof of things you have both said. And stick to the facts.
Cafcass were absolutely fantastic with both me and my children. Both my sons had to be separately interviewed by a cafcass social worker as was I. I was always just very honest and the truth was I wanted my sons to see their dad, to have a relationship with him, because he’s their dad and they love him but I want them to be safe when they’re with him.
He tried to bring up my mental health issues against me too 🙄 again I was honest. I represented myself in court as I could not afford a solicitor and all three times the staff were so lovely to me. My ex had to prove he wasn’t drinking and we eventually went through supervised access (and that was after a long time of me supporting our own supervised access at his mums, in local children’s centres) but that stopped as he kept verbally abusing me etc.
The day after the court order came in the post, just two days after court, where he was allowed access again he turned up drunk at my house in his car to collect our sons who were so excited to finally be allowed to go to daddy’s again.

Obviously I refused and he said court will hear about this!
I spoke to court, a solicitor (just on the phone a free 30 min consultation) and cafcass and they all said I hadn’t breached the court order as I was keeping my children safe.
Back to court and they wouldn’t allow any access at all until he was sober for 2 years. He spent that 2 years drinking and then he died. It was heartbreaking for my children but at least they were safe from him.

With regard to the weed I was told by a friend it’s not taken that seriously, but that was about 10 years ago so that may have changed. I do hope so as he could drug drive with your DD in the car etc.

We are here to support you xx

I’m seriously so sorry that is awful . I thought my issue was bad but oh my goodness it’s no where near as bad .
I don’t think the drug itself is a major issue but smoking around the baby should be , although there’s no way that can be proved
thinking of you , hugs xx

@Mumstheword37 Ah that's good ❤️ I suppose if an ex is very clearly unsafe Cafcass will hopefully take note.

@Allofaflutter absolutely. The only money I spent on in being taken to court was the train fare there.

Thanks OP. I always like to comment on these types of posts to give first hand experience, because these bastard men torment us and then terrify us into thinking we will lose our children and it boils my piss! Please know that no court in the land will think badly of you for genuinely protecting your child.

My ex had to do a drink test but I had to pay half which annoyed me but I think it was because I insisted.

With regards to a solicitor, if you go without you can apply for what’s known as a McKenzie friend-if you Google it it will give you the info. My ex chose to use a charity that sends a volunteer to support him (the mckenzie friend isn’t allowed to speak in court). I didn’t want a stranger with me, so I just went on alone. It was intimidating at first but I just kept re singing myself I was there for my sons.
Though at our final court appearance I took my mum in (I think I’d realised she qualified as a mckenzie friend too).

@Mumstheword37
What I feel I should add is that it doesn't always end in the "right" way. Cafcass failed me and my sons so drastically because my ex-husband was a "silent" abuser. A skilled manipulator.
If abuse has happened that you can clearly evidence then all good. But if the abuse has ongoing but insidious in its nature then less so.
A part of me wishes I'd have stayed and endured it rather than have lost my sons for so much of the time.
But the case here is that the abuse can be clearly evidenced so I'm sure it will all work out the way it should.
You've got this, OP ❤️

The Court can request a Psychological Assessment, if there is concern about a person's mental state and sometimes when parents are accusing one another of things such as Parental Alienation etc. I'd suggest you look this up. https://www.familylawdecisions.co.uk/useful-information/psychological-assessment-expert/

The Court can also request medical records.

@ClownFishFin The Court requested medical records of both my my ex-husband and I. I provided all of mine but he simply failed to provide them. It was simply overlooked. There were definitely things he had to hide.

@LorlieS I'm so sorry you’ve experienced this, that is absolutely awful. My ex was a toxic, gas lighting emotially and financially abusing alcoholic but I only had to actually raise the issue of his drinking. Probably because he wasn’t fighting for custody. It’s so bad tbh that the social worker at cafcass couldn’t see through him and his bs, that said we had to go to mediation before court and she believed all his lies and told me I was using my children as pawns to get at him which I absolutely refute to this day.
Again, im so sorry 😞

This is awful, men are good manipulators:( my child’s father is good at it and makes a really good first impression so he comes across as the sensible one

@Mumstheword37 @Julias21 Thanks both. Sadly I only see one of my sons (13) every other Weds Sunday and the other (16) just every other weekend. It's so hard to maintain a decent relationship with them, especially as ex was given 50/50 since they were 3 and 6 (despite me being absolutely their main carer).
When I first left with the kids for safety (2014) a police officer came out to see he at my parents because I'd reported that I was very scared of my ex and what he might do. Her words were "Well unless you show me bruises then nothing I can do."
My Cafcass Officer (2020) was also appalling and completely won over by my ex. Nobody listened when I told them that he used to take my purse away so I couldn't buy food, that he used to lock me out if I went past my "curfew" of 10pm, that his words to me when I tried to speak to him about our issues were "You dare leave and you'll lose everything, bitch."
He was right.
@Mumstheword37 I am just so relieved for you that you have solid evidence to protect your kids, I so totally understand how convincing these narcs can be. You can do this 💐 x