Custody battle .. what can I expect ?

[Julias21]

Hi everyone , just again want to thank everyone who gave me advice on my last thread about my child’s father .
follow up from that thread , I sent him an email of the days I was letting him see dd, and my reasons why I reduced overnights. I then get a text from his mother saying she is contacting a solicitor for “the way you’re treating my son!” And his response to my email was “solicitors will be in touch with you then” . They also said they aren’t going to see dd anymore “until this is sorted”. So they’re the ones stopping contact not me . I offered every other weekend to sleepover and anytime during week he can come see her . So what would he be getting a solicitor for ? He is the one that was smoking cannabis around my dd with his friend when dd was in his care , and is high when she’s in his care (he lives with his mum so I feel this is why she takes over care half the time acting like my dd mother 🫠) I was told they can use my mental health against me cause it’s the only thing they have on me even though it was years ago I had some mental health issues and currently in therapy for my anxiety . Can they use this against me in court?? I genuinely don’t know why they want to take it to court . I’m seeing a solicitor myself on Wednesday and plan to ask everything but until then I’m just wondering if anyone who’s been through similar would have an idea as this would be my first time in court . Dd father had a rape allegation too so not his first time in court 🫣 thanks in advance , she’s 3 months old btw.

At 3 months old the baby shouldn't be having any overnight visits away from their main care giver. The fact your offering a weekend is actually very generous.

Keep all conversations in writing from now on op, avoid phone calls that can then get emotional. Keep a diary of all interactions and observations such as his cannabis use.

I think in your circumstances there will be a court case because whilst he's a waste of space its clear his mum wants a do over baby after not being very successful with her first. Do not trust her and tell her you will be only communicating with the baby's father from now on.

Did he refuse contact or his mother?
Until you have spoken to a solicitor, do not engage. No texts, phone calls, email.

Also report cannabis use when having child with SS.

Tell SS that you are stopping contact to safeguard your baby.

Make it clear to SS granny is enabling the drug use around your baby so she isn’t a suitable person to supervise Dad.

If you even get one nasty text or call. Report to police. It’s all about paper trails now.

I didn’t know he was doing it until he was seen walking the pram to his druggy friends house to have a smoke
I’d never send her if I knew

His mum was the one that texted saying “we won’t see her until this is sorted “

Tell SS about it. Ring now.

i have reported to ss and they told me stop contact and let him take me to court

If you are in active treatment for any mental health issues and in full compliance with your treatment plan, the court is unlikely to be concerned. The world is full of parents with mental health issues. What matters is the severity and if they are actively addressing their problems. Parents don’t lose their children for a bit of anxiety or depression. If they did, far more children would be in foster care.

you might actually get all the way to court since his mother is running the show, not him. I still wouldn’t worry. Save copies of every text and email. Make notes after every visit. Keep them neutral and be fair. Follow your solicitors advice. It will be fine.

Having a formal custody arrangement gives you a default for when you aren’t in agreement.

They are aware and aren’t opening the case again. They told me it’s up to me to safeguard her and to stop contact

I was in a mental health unit 6 years ago due to a suicide attempt and an eating disorder . Although I’m fully recovered from both now for about 4 years now
I’m in therapy atm for ocd and bad anxiety , no depression or anything.

If it goes to court, him now refusing access will go against him.

In addition cafcass will speak to you and you can inform them about the cannabis use. I haven't had experience from whether they will or won't test for use, but I'd push for it as he is likely to deny it.

In addition, I've heard that solicitor speak in a letter saying "I have been instructed to..." or words to that effect mean they are just putting into writing what they are instructed, not necessarily what they believe to be true or have evidence to support....so don't be worried when letters from solicitors accuse you of things.

Good luck. Stay calm. And as I read in another thread just now....use the grey rock method....do not rise to anything he or his mum say to you as he will use it against you. Go vent to someone else, but be calm and measured in your response to him

I wish you the best of luck and hope you and LO come out of this as unscathed as possible

Also, seek legal advice. Most solicitor's give 30mins free initial consultation

Thank you , I have one on Wednesday with a solicitor just to get some advice

Don't worry about the mental health card, they always pull this one.

Make sure you keep a diary of all events and communication with anyone in his family. Get a large lined book and write everything down. Take screenshots and record all calls if your phone does that. You can transcribe them and use the transcript as evidence. You can't use the actual recording.

Remain detached, calm (even if you don't feel like it) and professional in all dealings with them. Never get emotional and never argue no matter how bad you're feeling. Don't respond to threats, they're meaningless - unless it's something physical, in which case, report to the police and make sure they keep a record of it.

Try to hold your nerve and keep telling yourself it will get resolved and pass. Don't be ashamed of asking your GP for antidepressants if your anxiety starts to become a problem. Explain to the GP why you're anxious. It won't count against you, so don't worry.

I went through all this shit over 20 years ago and very little changes. These types of men - and sometimes their mothers - are like preprogrammed bots, you just have to learn their operating system then you can deal with them effectively.

You won't lose your baby and things will settle down. You think it's the end of the world at the moment, but it's not and you will get through it.

Sounds like granny wants a do over

He won't get it unless there is proven domestic violence.

I appreciate this so much. Thank you :)

This is a good way of putting it 🫣🤣

Really ? When I rang ss they said I should qualify for legal aid cause I’m not working due to just having a baby , is some countries different or all the same ?

There is no legal aid (without dv) to bring an action in court, ie for him to sue you for access. There is legal aid to defend for some people, ie if you’re on benefits. It stops benefit claimants bringing lots of cases basically (for right or wrong).

this may be out of date but it my understanding

Just seeing if I’m understanding this. I’m on benefits, will I qualify then or no ?
he will be claiming benefits now after quitting his job . I’m on benefits cause of my anxiety and previous eating disorder which used to stop me from working so I’m worried they might use that against me also

In England and Wales, yes if it’s income support and he brings an action against you (he takes you to court).

He would have to pay court fees and would not get legal aid.

My ex paid £50k 15 years ago and got every other weekend. The mum has bpd so serious mental health issues.

I understand courts have moved towards 50/50 as a starting point but your baby is waaay too young for that now.

I'm sure the solicitor will be reassuring but keep everything as advised.

it’s honestly unlikely he’ll do a thing when/if he looks into costs!