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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him I thought this was rude?

74 replies

leicstercity · 04/02/2024 09:23

I'm casually dating someone. He's a pilot and is based overseas but is in the U.K. a lot. He definitely definitely doesn't have a wife, girlfriend etc. We have tons of mutual friends and I've been to his house and his parents house.

We keep it casual as we don't see each other regularly enough. I know he's seeing other people casually and I do too. We just don't really talk about it to one another. It usually works fine.

We have a group chat with our mutual friends.

Someone on the group chat just said they had a couple of spare tickets to a singles night if anyone wanted one.

He replied and said he'd take one.

Despite our casualness, this felt really disrespectful, especially while he's at my house for the weekend (the event itself is another weekend when he's here but I'm away).

I want to address this with him. It's not that he's going to the event, as such. It's more just the inherent disrespect of having it right there for me to see. He could've messaged the friend directly, at least.

I can't work out whether I have a right to say anything to him. He has every right to go to the event, I just felt that putting it in the group chat was rude.

He's gone out early to play golf so I'm just stewing on it now while I wait for him to get back.

(And yes, this does perhaps prove that keeping things casual is hard. But I do think a level of respect and consideration helps!)

OP posts:
Willmafrockfit · 04/02/2024 09:26

i dont think you have a right, bearing in mind you said this:
We keep it casual as we don't see each other regularly enough. I know he's seeing other people casually and I do too. We just don't really talk about it to one another. It usually works fine.

Songiii · 04/02/2024 09:27

I mean he’s single though right?

Maybe the wires have been crossed but it doesn’t sound like he’s made any commitment to you nor is planning to do so. This is oftentimes an issue for casual relations.

BudgetFoodie · 04/02/2024 09:28

YABU - you can't have it both ways, it sounds like you are not as comfortable with this casual relationship as he is.

Doglegs · 04/02/2024 09:29

I think it's rude but it doesn't really make logical sense given everything you've said.

As you acknowledge it's actually quite hard to do some kind of casual situationship. I couldn't do it. Sounds awful. I'd be in a constant state of anxiety. Maybe you're kidding yourself if this is your reaction? Shit or get off the pot.

Talii · 04/02/2024 09:29

YABU. He is single. You’re both seeing other people casually. This isn’t a relationship.

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 04/02/2024 09:29

You can't keep it casual and date other people, then make up rules about how he should behave.

C1N1C · 04/02/2024 09:30

Cake and eat it...

Mutually not serious, and you're fine with that until you find out he's not serious...

OK.....

betterangels · 04/02/2024 09:31

Nah, YABU. He's single. If you want to change that have a conversation.

wellhello24 · 04/02/2024 09:31

Personally I don’t believe in open relationships way way too many lax boundaries and potential hurt feelings to navigate. Like in this situation.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 04/02/2024 09:31

I don’t think you can say anything about the singles night, although I think there’s something a bit off about going when he’s staying at yours, but you can make sure he knows he’s not welcome to bring anyone back to your house under any circumstances.

Original poster
leicstercity · 04/02/2024 09:32

Doglegs · 04/02/2024 09:29

I think it's rude but it doesn't really make logical sense given everything you've said.

As you acknowledge it's actually quite hard to do some kind of casual situationship. I couldn't do it. Sounds awful. I'd be in a constant state of anxiety. Maybe you're kidding yourself if this is your reaction? Shit or get off the pot.

I totally agree with this. I'm definitely not totally uninvolved, emotionally.

However, I do feel like it would be ok to be a bit human and admit that being confronted with it on the group chat felt disrespectful.

I'm not asking him not to go. I'm asking him to be considerate of the situation in his actions (in this case, replying on the group chat).

OP posts:
Rumpoleoftheballet · 04/02/2024 09:32

Maybe the word isn't rude but hurtful. It's clearly hurt your feelings so perhaps that indicates casual isn't working for you. Could you explore a relationship with him?

Janetime · 04/02/2024 09:33

But you’re seeing other people. Do you hide that from your friends?

it wasn’t rude, but it does indicate you don’t wish him to see other people, so you prefer not to know, not to think about it, and want more. Seems he doesn’t, so I think you should have a convo about it.

Olika · 04/02/2024 09:33

But he is single and you two haven't made any commitment to each other so him saying yes in the group chat is understandable.

Willmafrockfit · 04/02/2024 09:34

you want him to fake your relationship in public?
do you want commitment?

Corondel · 04/02/2024 09:34

That makes no sense. You’re seeing each other casually, he’s hardly ever here, you’re both also seeing other people, and you’re away the weekend the event is on! I don’t see where ‘respect’ comes into it.

If you ask me, the problem arises from a very casual FWB using your house as a base for when he’s not working. I think that’s potentially very messy.

Doglegs · 04/02/2024 09:35

leicstercity · 04/02/2024 09:32

I totally agree with this. I'm definitely not totally uninvolved, emotionally.

However, I do feel like it would be ok to be a bit human and admit that being confronted with it on the group chat felt disrespectful.

I'm not asking him not to go. I'm asking him to be considerate of the situation in his actions (in this case, replying on the group chat).

Show quote history

Tell him how you feel and see what he says. I totally get it op. I wouldn't like it either.

HollyKnight · 04/02/2024 09:36

You've chosen to have a casual/open/FWB relationship, so you should be fine with things like this happening. But it doesn't sound like you are. Not many people would be ok with it because it clearly says that you aren't good enough for him to be exclusive with and unless you think the same way about him you're always going to find being confronted by this humiliating or shameful.

Carerandmum · 04/02/2024 09:36

I'd message the group chat for a ticket myself. If its good enough for him. Then have the talk about whether you're both going

Catza · 04/02/2024 09:39

What’s the purpose of this feedback?
You either want him to change his behaviour (I.e. hide his casual dates from you). In which case you just ask him to do that without putting a label on the situation/behaviour.
OR
You want him to know you were hurt, in which case you need to admit that you have feelings for him and are not happy about the current state of affairs. Again, no need to mention the incident.

mponder · 04/02/2024 09:40

I think you do want a relationship with him but are worried he doesn't.

Is he coming back to yours later? It doesn't sound casual if he's spending the weekend with you and coming and going.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 04/02/2024 09:40

It's casual on BOTH sides as you say you're seeing other people too

You have a casual, open relationship then you can't complain he's then going to a singles night on a weekend you're not even here!

YukoandHiro · 04/02/2024 09:41

I totally get what you're saying. I do think it's rude, it would have been much classier for him to message his friend privately.

But I don't think you can say anything. You know the score, and he's done nothing wrong.

The situation now is that clearly the reason you feel put out is him being so blatant in the group chat means he's definitely not harbouring any secret thoughts of making it more serious with you. If he was he would never have said it. Is that what's upset you? Maybe the casual engagement isn't working out for you anymore. It's ok to walk away to protect yourself. Maybe the two of you actually aren't on the same page.

Willmafrockfit · 04/02/2024 09:44

agree, perhaps you arent on the same page, perhaps he spoke out to test you, but unlikely
open your eyes and realise what is going on, you are using each other

WandaWonder · 04/02/2024 09:44

So you want to see other people but you don't want him too?