To tell him I thought this was rude?

[leicstercity]

I'm casually dating someone. He's a pilot and is based overseas but is in the U.K. a lot. He definitely definitely doesn't have a wife, girlfriend etc. We have tons of mutual friends and I've been to his house and his parents house.

We keep it casual as we don't see each other regularly enough. I know he's seeing other people casually and I do too. We just don't really talk about it to one another. It usually works fine.

We have a group chat with our mutual friends.

Someone on the group chat just said they had a couple of spare tickets to a singles night if anyone wanted one.

He replied and said he'd take one.

Despite our casualness, this felt really disrespectful, especially while he's at my house for the weekend (the event itself is another weekend when he's here but I'm away).

I want to address this with him. It's not that he's going to the event, as such. It's more just the inherent disrespect of having it right there for me to see. He could've messaged the friend directly, at least.

I can't work out whether I have a right to say anything to him. He has every right to go to the event, I just felt that putting it in the group chat was rude.

He's gone out early to play golf so I'm just stewing on it now while I wait for him to get back.

(And yes, this does perhaps prove that keeping things casual is hard. But I do think a level of respect and consideration helps!)

I would be hurt. But bringing it up with him will mean confronting your relationship in a way that you haven't so far. I think I'd find a way of explaining why you're hurt. You're intimate with the guy - you should be able to talk frankly to him!

You're entirely allowed to realize you have a boundary and discuss with him. It sounds like you prefer a "don't ask, don't tell" sort of set up so best to be crystal clear what your expectations/needs are in that sense.

How do your friends see you? Do they think you’re in a relationship? I can see that it’s embarrassing as he’s basically “outed” you as being FWB. But if you have lots of mutual friends it’s unrealistic to expect his other dates to all be behind closed doors.

I think conversation you need to have - with yourself first - is what the relationship is and whether or not you’re both happy.

The whole thing seems like it's doomed to fail, to be quite honest.

You've met his parents and been to his house loads of times, but you're not in a relationship and apparently don't want to be because of his job. But you're also upset because he's openly single and going to singles nights.

Personally, this wouldn't be a set-up I could get involved with at all - it's just too complicated and messy and someone (probably you) is bound to get really hurt.

I think you either need to commit to each other and have a relationship, even if you don't see each other often due to his work, or you accept that it's never going to work between you and just remain friends (or not, if you prefer). This weird in between status isn't really helping anyone in the long-run.

Yabu. He’s single

He’s not disrespecting you. You are disrespecting you. You clearly wish to be seen to be in a relationship with this man, that it’s more than it is, which is letting him doss at yours and shagging him when he’s in country,

if you wish more, like him to pretend to your friends it’s more than it is, or you actually want more, then talk to him, do not sit and beg for crumbs then get annoyed when everyone knows that is what it is and he didn’t pretend otherwise.

you are friends and casual fuck buddies.dont settle for less when you want more,

im also not sure you’re looking for anyone else. As you’re hung up on him.

In my experience in these situations one always likes the other more and is settling for what little they can get. And pretending they are ok with it, and the other one is just not that fussed and assumes the other sees it for what they agreed.

his response has just Clarified for her, and for everyone else what rhis is, and that’s the issue, it hurts.

You should take up the other ticket. You never know your luck.

Well it’s clear you want more out of this than he does. You’re clearly not just wanting it to be casual so need to say that and stop seeing other people!

Why are so many people telling the OP to take the other ticket when it literally says that she's away on the weekend of the event and the guy is staying in her house?

Despite our casualness, this felt really disrespectful, especially while he's at my house for the weekend (the event itself is another weekend when he's here but I'm away).

he has his own house though

Name change fail?

She says openly in the post she’s seeing other people too.

But out he`s single as you said you both see other people.

He's at OP's house now. He's not staying there that weekend, he has his own house

YANBU. As someone who has had casual/non monogamous relationships I totally agree that this was disrespectful. Just because you're non monogamous doesn't mean anything goes in respect of the way you treat each other.

He’s done nothing wrong - why on earth should he pretend you’re a couple in the group chat? If you’ve given your friends the impression that you’re in a relationship, that isn’t his fault.

This ‘arrangement’ isn’t working for you, OP. You obviously aren’t comfortable with it and are embarrassed by it, so do the right thing and end it. He isn’t your boyfriend.

Do you feel like you're being used as a free hotel for when he's in the UK?

Are you seeing others or is it mostly him?

I’m aware she claims that, but clearly she wants more or wants others to think it’s more. He has done nothing disrespectful and she’s upset and wants him to pretend he isn’t single when he’s in the uk with her.

Bin him off.

It's made you unhappy enough to post on mumsnet.

It's good that you recognise this but I think you have another step. WHY would you be embarrassed about your friends seeing this?

My two cents is that he is making it brutally clear that, while he is happy to sleep with you (and therefore finds you physically attractive enough) he doesn't consider you girlfriend material either now or, crucially, in the future. If it were really just the distance that was preventing the relationship and he was actually really into you otherwise, he wouldn't want to potentially alienate you or burn his bridges like that.

Perhaps you've been consciously or subconsciously telling yourself and others that if he was in the UK you'd be together and it's just been made clear that, in fact, he's just not that into you?

If you were OK with that, you wouldn't be embarrassed but I think you may feel it "lowers" you (your value in others' eyes or your own) to have that put out there?

Apologies, this is a very brutal assessment of the situation, and I don't at all think you have "lowered your value", to be clear, but that's my best take on what's going on here, to the extent it helps. At best you've taken an ego bashing and at worst you're actually in deeper emotionally than you meant to be. Good luck!

I think the clues in the op, she basically thinks she’s dating him, albeit casually. And his message says he’s single and looking. So she’s not dating him at all. I’m guessing she’s let everyone think they are dating, otherwise they’d have no clue, and she’d not be embarassed.

becayxe she thought they were dating, it would absolutely be disrespectful to then go looking for a partner when with her. The issue is. He doesn’t think they are dating. He clearly thinks fwb.

He hasn’t been rude or disrespectful based on the agreement that you have with each other. This is a “you” issue not a “him” issue.

If you are feeling disrespected or embarrassed then you are likely less comfortable with the arrangement than you thought, in which case your options are to put up with it, discuss with him the possibility of changing it, or end it.

no @Janetime
quote inverted commas, bold fail