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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell him I thought this was rude?

74 replies

leicstercity · 04/02/2024 09:23

I'm casually dating someone. He's a pilot and is based overseas but is in the U.K. a lot. He definitely definitely doesn't have a wife, girlfriend etc. We have tons of mutual friends and I've been to his house and his parents house.

We keep it casual as we don't see each other regularly enough. I know he's seeing other people casually and I do too. We just don't really talk about it to one another. It usually works fine.

We have a group chat with our mutual friends.

Someone on the group chat just said they had a couple of spare tickets to a singles night if anyone wanted one.

He replied and said he'd take one.

Despite our casualness, this felt really disrespectful, especially while he's at my house for the weekend (the event itself is another weekend when he's here but I'm away).

I want to address this with him. It's not that he's going to the event, as such. It's more just the inherent disrespect of having it right there for me to see. He could've messaged the friend directly, at least.

I can't work out whether I have a right to say anything to him. He has every right to go to the event, I just felt that putting it in the group chat was rude.

He's gone out early to play golf so I'm just stewing on it now while I wait for him to get back.

(And yes, this does perhaps prove that keeping things casual is hard. But I do think a level of respect and consideration helps!)

OP posts:
NaughtybutNice77 · 04/02/2024 09:48

I think the issue here isn't that he's going or that he's disrespected you. It's that you feel embarrassed that he's highlighted this in front of your friends. You fear their judgement. Maybe at some level you are ashamed/humiliated of your arrangement. Don't blame him.
If you want more take a risk and speak up. If you know in your heart he'll probably say no then exit.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 04/02/2024 09:53

Why don't you ask for the other ticket?

Original poster
leicstercity · 04/02/2024 09:54

NaughtybutNice77 · 04/02/2024 09:48

I think the issue here isn't that he's going or that he's disrespected you. It's that you feel embarrassed that he's highlighted this in front of your friends. You fear their judgement. Maybe at some level you are ashamed/humiliated of your arrangement. Don't blame him.
If you want more take a risk and speak up. If you know in your heart he'll probably say no then exit.

Actually this has hit the nail completely on the head. I don't like the way it looks in the group chat at all. I don't really know why (maybe a bit of a man vs woman thing? It looks like I'm ok with him disrespecting me?).

OP posts:
carrotbagel · 04/02/2024 09:55

You have some sort of halfway house friends with benefits thing going on and you both see other people. So I think its perfectly reasonable of him

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 04/02/2024 09:56

Again - if you are ALSO seeing other people then you can't call it disrespectful that he sees other people unless you are also saying you disrespect him too.

carrotbagel · 04/02/2024 09:56

leicstercity · 04/02/2024 09:54

Actually this has hit the nail completely on the head. I don't like the way it looks in the group chat at all. I don't really know why (maybe a bit of a man vs woman thing? It looks like I'm ok with him disrespecting me?).

Show quote history

It's not disrespectful. Either you are OK with your arrangement in which case why does it matter if others know? Or you aren't.

Willmafrockfit · 04/02/2024 09:59

it has made your relationship status clear to all - you feel shame and embarrassment - own the relationship status or change it

TravelDazzle · 04/02/2024 10:00

leicstercity · 04/02/2024 09:54

Actually this has hit the nail completely on the head. I don't like the way it looks in the group chat at all. I don't really know why (maybe a bit of a man vs woman thing? It looks like I'm ok with him disrespecting me?).

Show quote history

But he isn't disrespecting you...you both have a casual arrangement. This type of thing is the risk you take with such arrangements. You're emotionally invested on some level and likely feel a bit put out because you're jealous - which is fine, but maybe something worth looking at.

Copen · 04/02/2024 10:02

You don't speak to each other about seeing other people, now he has suddenly pushed it in your face on the group chat. I can see why you are bothered.

I'd be cooling things a bit as it looks like it is becoming emotionally tricky for you.

WandaWonder · 04/02/2024 10:02

leicstercity · 04/02/2024 09:54

Actually this has hit the nail completely on the head. I don't like the way it looks in the group chat at all. I don't really know why (maybe a bit of a man vs woman thing? It looks like I'm ok with him disrespecting me?).

Show quote history

So how others see you is more important than the relationship itself?

Willmafrockfit · 04/02/2024 10:03

of course you are bound to feel hurt

GalileoHumpkins · 04/02/2024 10:05

You aren't a couple, you both see other people. It wasn't rude or disrespectful. I think you need to admit that this kind of relationship isn't working for you.

Bluenotgreen · 04/02/2024 10:06

Willmafrockfit · 04/02/2024 09:59

it has made your relationship status clear to all - you feel shame and embarrassment - own the relationship status or change it

Yes, I suspect you aren’t really as cool about this set up as you thought you were. It certainly wouldn’t suit me.

Scarletttulips · 04/02/2024 10:12

Again - if you are ALSO seeing other people then you can't call it disrespectful

Are your friends under the illusion you are a couple?

I would either tell him you want more or your out - you can’t have both and whilst he’s in the picture you aren’t open to other relationships - time spend with him is dead time - time you could use to date others.

JMSA · 04/02/2024 10:12

I completely and utterly get it, OP. Yes, you are both seeing other people. But of course he didn't have to say yes to the ticket in front of everyone!
YANBU. Definitely not.

sparrow4 · 04/02/2024 10:14

I think he should have asked you whether you wanted to go with him and, if you didn't, that would have been fine to ask for one ticket.

tuvamoodyson · 04/02/2024 10:16

You’re both seeing other people…I don’t get the problem.

boopboopbidoop · 04/02/2024 10:16

I think he views what you have as a FWB type situation rather than an actual relationship. Tbh it sounds like one to me.

boopboopbidoop · 04/02/2024 10:18

There are no rules. The rules are what you decide is right for you. If you are happy with the casual nature of the situationship you are in but don't like him being so overt about seeing other people, just tell him. If he's ok with that then proceed if he says no, he feels he can do whatever he wants as it's not a proper relationship then you choose whether to stay in this situation or end it.

FrankieLet · 04/02/2024 10:19

I think it's thoughtless at best. I would find it very disrespectful too.

I mean, if you have a casual FWB setup and both date other people, it's still crass to lie in bed with them and be texting someone else. This is similar. It's the fact he's staying at your house whilst publicly (i.e. in front of your friends) making arrangements to seek out other female company. Not cool.

burnoutbabe · 04/02/2024 10:21

boopboopbidoop · 04/02/2024 10:16

I think he views what you have as a FWB type situation rather than an actual relationship. Tbh it sounds like one to me.

When I had a friend with benefits he didn't actually arrange other stuff in front of me when on a weekend at mine!

That's what is rude. Like discussing a party you are attending but not the other person.

So yes rude or tactless. If everyone in the group chat knows he is "at yours" that weekend it's like he is saying "sure I can do better than this shag I have right now"

A conversation needs to be had. He won't think he did anything wrong but you can still set some ground rules.

Megifer · 04/02/2024 10:22

Yea thats rude AF, if the etiquette between you is you don't talk about it then he shouldn't be talking about it on a group asking for a singles night ticket the stupid prat 🙄

Abouttoblow · 04/02/2024 10:30

I say this with kindness, I don't think he's keeping it casual because you don't see one another regularly enough.
If he's up for a singles night, where people are normally looking for a relationship, he's keeping it casual with you as he doesn't view you as a potential long term partner.

canttellyouwhereorwhatido · 04/02/2024 10:34

I think it's much much more simple than the OP is over analysing things.
Here is the true situation.

OP wants a relationship. FWB wants well - FWB - benefits AND a convenient place to stay when in the UK . However, doesn't want to commit because he can then enjoy the same set up in any number of other countries he stops in.

You have agreed to this because like a million women before you think you can persuade him to become 'exclusive' . You won't . You know this , and his behaviour shows all your friends that you are kidding yourself.

Tell him what you want. (There is always the possibility he is playing it cool because YOU are saying you don't want a relationship) then if he doesn't - you know to stop taking the crumbs this bloke is offering which in turn makes you feel humiliated in front of friends. Effectively - you are humiliating yourself by accepting a situation you know you shouldn't be.

FreeezePeach · 04/02/2024 10:36

You don't sound as though you're too happy with the casual relationship really.

I noticed you mentioned he's a pilot. Does this somehow make him a 'good catch' in your eyes, and that's why you're sticking with it, in the hope that one day you'll be the woman he chooses?