Are we being selfish

[Borntofly]

DH and I have one DD, she’s 9 (year 5) super smart, talented, funny and just incredible. We were a bit older when she was born (37 and 39) DH is fast approaching 50.
We live in London, a nice area further out. DH is a consultant Ophthalmologist and I work in the civil service, we have a good combined income around the £200,000 mark.
Our DD is state educated, we could afford private and live in an area where you almost can’t move for private schools but the state school is fantastic and DD is thriving there. We were both state educated and have felt no disadvantages.
DH and I are considering moving up north, his family all live up there and as we get older we crave a slower life. Ideally we’d move before DD goes to secondary.
DD plays a sport competitively, just started playing for the county and really enjoys it, she also does ballet, plays piano and is a great singer (but hates singing lessons). She’s also just a bright, smart kid. DH is fluent in German and has taught DD loads, my French isn’t awful so I’ve taught DD French. DD is desperate to keep learning languages she thinks it’s really cool. If we moved north we have a specific area in mind which had a Grammar school, that seems to be hot on languages - offers French, German and Russian. DD already has tutor and is very bright so in theory she should get in if we moved.

Today I was with DD at a training session for her sport, I decided to stay this time but I don’t usually. I got chatting to another parent. The topic of schools came up, her child is privately educated and she straight out said “I think it is selfish when parents who could privately educate their children don’t, shows where their priorities lie!” I was a bit flabbergasted if I’m honest. We spend lots on DD from Ballet to her sport, singing, piano, tuition, travel and so much more!
She is 100% our priority, we just prefer the culture of the state school, although I know about 1/3-1/2 of her year at her current school will go to private schools for secondary it just doesn’t appeal to me at all.
I then told her about the potential move, she again said she thinks it would be selfish to take DD away from London especially as she is so good at her sport. She could still do the same sport at county level if we moved and I’m sure they will have ballet schools too! Yes she may be less likely to go pro in the sport if we moved as she’d be away from the resources/training London offers, but I don’t think DD is actually that fussed by that, she doesn’t love the competition side (but still wants to do it) and I’m sure if it became apparent she really wanted that we would find a private coach and figure it out!
I’m now up feeling really guilty thinking maybe I shouldn’t be taking her away from the opportunities London has and maybe even should be considering private as we could afford it.

Are we being selfish? AIBU wanting to move and not privately educating her?

This. Ignore the cow

She's talking absolute twaddle.
I could have got scholarships to private schools but I was very successful and happy at my state school. That's all that matters! Having since met a lot of people who have been privately educated, they did get some things I didn't - nothing to do with quality of education/attainment, actually, but more to do with networking and exposure to high flying alumni who helped them get internships and placements and all that jazz. But they also had much less exposure to a broad range of society than I did, and I've since reflected I'm very happy with my lot. Like you and your DH I am very successful and a high earner and I really don't buy that private school is automatically better.

Some schools suit some children better than others, that really is all there is to it.

The North is not a cultural wasteland, that aspect of her comment is wildly ignorant. There are differences but many huge benefits including, in my experience, friendlier people and actually less competition for things, which creates more access and opportunities. This may seem like a silly example, but when I lived in London although technically I had access to the best opera and theatre in the country, I never went because it was so expensive and hard to get tickets. When I moved North, I did things like go to the opera and to wonderful theatre at least once a month, because it was more affordable and didn't sell out within 2 seconds of going on sale.

Why do you care about the unsolicited opinion of a stranger?

Your OP is annoying in general, eg unnecessary imformation (boasts) about your DC and assumptions about the north.

Ageing and needing some care does not equate to will be gone in a year.
She will have friends in her new home too.
OP do what's best for the family as a whole. You do sound very invested in your dd and possibly over managing her life? Maybe this level of hot housing is the norm in your area, given the way that horrid woman spoke to you!
But you all deserve to be happy, not only your dd.

Another who thinks life doesn't exist outside London. Yet millions are thriving and living elsewhere, even here in Scotland!!

As usual the first response is one if the best

Agreed. More smug information than is necessary!
And it all sounds extremely intense.

The odd thing here is that you’re reconsidering your entire life because of one brief conversation with a gobby, tactless stranger!

I agree with your last point. I also have an only child, but I’m very aware that I shouldn’t be concentrating on him and his capacities and talents so intensely — he also needs to loaf, be ordinary, and not be his parents’ sole focus. I wouldn’t dream of sending him to a private school. He’ll find his own way.

How have you managed to raise such an intelligent and well-rounded child when you are so easily shook by some woman’s ridiculous comments. I’ve got news for you: private schools don’t have a monopoly on good education and we have sports outside of London. I can’t believe you’re entertaining such ignorant and snobby waffle.

Agree with the smug stealth boast; salary, county level, multi lingual, basically child genius.

The North is a very big place.

As long as her sport is darts you'll be reet

So you’re reconsidering big life decisions based on a relatively brief chat with a stuck up mum at training whose opinions may or not be based in fact.
We also live in an area where there’s a fantastic state secondary and several private options. Over the years I’ve chatted to a number of parents who could’ve afforded private but chose not to as their children would still have a good education at the state but wouldn’t be living in a bubble and would experience more of the ‘real world’ - relatively at least! It’s certainly not a selfish choice.

That woman gave you her advice coming from HER perspective, circumstances and background though. Not yours.
Presumably she doesn’t have family in the North etc. So why even listen to her?

A child should never ever be your ‘whole world’ - it’s a suffocating pressure that she will grow to detest.

I would take a long, cool look at what the teens are like in the new town, what the job and cultural prospects are like. Are they hanging around parks or shops looking bored or troublesome?

Can you see sporty, high achieving teens around or does it feel like a backwater? Some towns are tribal and your dd didn’t grow up there, and isn’t from there - so they may not be as inclusive as you imagine, and making new friends may be far from simple.

There is no way I would do it - the risk is too high. Too many drawbacks.

What a very judgmental and opinionated busy body. Its none of her business. Your daughter sounds lovely and you sounds like a lovely family :) . I wouldn't worry about the opinions of others. I would ensure though that DD is happy with the move to go ahead

Because famously, teenagers raised in London have no issues whatsoever!

People talk about the North as if we are in the game of thrones. We aren't and the so called North is vast. You could move to a small rural town in the North of England and have a very different lifestyle compared to someone living in thr North in a big city.One of the things I have learnt from parenting is that people judge you on all kinds of crap, I don't care and am content in the decisions I make because I genuinely believe I am doing my best.You need to have belief on your parenting decisions.

If you are considering grammar schools in somewhere like Manchester there are fee paying and non fee paying ones. I would be getting my hands on some practice papers to see if your dd would likely pass or if shed need some tuition to help. She's bright yes but can she cope well under exam pressure, does she have any experience of verbal and non verbal reasoning etc? Often they will require knowledge of maths she may not cover until she gets to high school.

This womens view seems typical of a particular breed of Londoners who can't see beyond their own arses. There is a whole world outside of London and people thrive in it. You aren't just parents but actual.people yourselves too and whilst your dd's needs are important it's also a balancing act with your own.

You haven't said where the inlaws live but if not in a city I'd be moving to the nearest one. Being mortgage free puts you in a great place and you could buy outright potentially leaving money to put towards your dd's schooling, uni or towards a deposit one day. It might be a culture shock for her if you plan to move to a small town and I would consider that if transport links aren't great you might find yourself doing a lot of ferrying about.

I also disagree with the posters who are saying describing ypur dd's achievements is a stealth boast. That is just nasty. Op's child is bright and doing well, she's concerned about the impact on her hence the post.

The worst possible time to move would be when she goes to university... for her to come home and spend the vacations somewhere where her old school friends aren't?If you're going to, do it as soon as possible.

Ita not about north V south. We have friends that relocated to the north and it was impossible to integrate. Ops dd has no childhood friends there, is not likely to be seen as ‘one of them’ and she will be very ‘ London’ - I don’t fancy her chances tbh. The London bubble doesnt extend far before suspicion kicks in. I personally think for culture alone I would remain.

My dc go to university and tend to travel most of the time with their friends, they don’t always come back and when they do it’s usually with a trail of friends. I would wait until she is 18 and move then if you still want to.

I don't even know where I would start with the previous post 🤔

I obviously don’t intend to imply this happens everywhere, jut it’s come up A LOT with friends we know well. They had to move back. Some places can be cliquey and go back generations. I also think London kids are different if I am honest. They are inevitably more street wise and mature because they have to be.

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