Are we being selfish

[Borntofly]

DH and I have one DD, she’s 9 (year 5) super smart, talented, funny and just incredible. We were a bit older when she was born (37 and 39) DH is fast approaching 50.
We live in London, a nice area further out. DH is a consultant Ophthalmologist and I work in the civil service, we have a good combined income around the £200,000 mark.
Our DD is state educated, we could afford private and live in an area where you almost can’t move for private schools but the state school is fantastic and DD is thriving there. We were both state educated and have felt no disadvantages.
DH and I are considering moving up north, his family all live up there and as we get older we crave a slower life. Ideally we’d move before DD goes to secondary.
DD plays a sport competitively, just started playing for the county and really enjoys it, she also does ballet, plays piano and is a great singer (but hates singing lessons). She’s also just a bright, smart kid. DH is fluent in German and has taught DD loads, my French isn’t awful so I’ve taught DD French. DD is desperate to keep learning languages she thinks it’s really cool. If we moved north we have a specific area in mind which had a Grammar school, that seems to be hot on languages - offers French, German and Russian. DD already has tutor and is very bright so in theory she should get in if we moved.

Today I was with DD at a training session for her sport, I decided to stay this time but I don’t usually. I got chatting to another parent. The topic of schools came up, her child is privately educated and she straight out said “I think it is selfish when parents who could privately educate their children don’t, shows where their priorities lie!” I was a bit flabbergasted if I’m honest. We spend lots on DD from Ballet to her sport, singing, piano, tuition, travel and so much more!
She is 100% our priority, we just prefer the culture of the state school, although I know about 1/3-1/2 of her year at her current school will go to private schools for secondary it just doesn’t appeal to me at all.
I then told her about the potential move, she again said she thinks it would be selfish to take DD away from London especially as she is so good at her sport. She could still do the same sport at county level if we moved and I’m sure they will have ballet schools too! Yes she may be less likely to go pro in the sport if we moved as she’d be away from the resources/training London offers, but I don’t think DD is actually that fussed by that, she doesn’t love the competition side (but still wants to do it) and I’m sure if it became apparent she really wanted that we would find a private coach and figure it out!
I’m now up feeling really guilty thinking maybe I shouldn’t be taking her away from the opportunities London has and maybe even should be considering private as we could afford it.

Are we being selfish? AIBU wanting to move and not privately educating her?

Musicians from the North (that's North of Watford from my perspective)
The Animals
The Beatles
David Coverdale
Cheryl Cole (one of the others too I think)
Saxon
Jimmy Nail
Kiki Dee
The Cult
Ed Sheeran
The Beatiful South
Corrine Bailey Ray
Dire Straits
Sting
Etc.

There are tons. Many more than I've listed.

Also, I went to private school, but was a lazy shit. The school couldn't be bothered with me as they already had the numbers to get the results they needed. I would have been pushed much harder in state school who would have seen the potential. Don't be pushed to think private is always better, there are good and bad schools, private and state.

Although I do know a lot of anti private school parents who upon not getting into a grammar suddenly went private 😆

There's none! I'm from Liverpool and we look at the south in wonder and awe, when we get round to pulling back our flat caps that is.

Op ignore her comments.I once had a mum tell me she felt anyone that didn’t go private to give birth was selfish and putting their child's life at risk.She then wondered outloud to herself if my daughters NHS birth was the reason my DD was so unsettled. It's hard making the decision to leave London but I've never heard a comment as stupid as that since I left.

Well you have made a lot of assumptions.

We looked around a lot (a lot) of schools before our DD started primary including private, none were as good of a fit as where she goes now. We prioritised outdoor space, friendly environment and 11+ destinations specifically including grammar schools.

As for sport, I have a deep understanding of her sport, the meh attitude is more in response to how DD feels about it. If I truly believed she wanted to continue it to a high level that would be the absolute priority but knowing my DD I don’t believe that is the case. If it becomes apparent in the future that she does want to push harder … it will still be possible.

Her clubs have been carefully chosen with DDs guidance to maximise both her enjoyment and best use of her natural talents and abilities. We have researched ballet schools and sports coaches for hours and hours to select a best fit for DD.

In reality none of that bares any weight against the fact that she is an incredibly loved and cared for child and being close to family would only enhance that. The one downside to us having DD a bit older is she may not have as much time with her grandparents as others, being around them more would be such a positive as they love her dearly.

We wouldn’t move if we didn’t think it would also benefit DD. Having parents who work less so can be more engaged with her would be a massive positive, along side a better example of work life balance, fresh air and access to the outdoors etc.

If one thing is for certain in this world it is that DD is our priority!

And for those saying don’t move it there are some great benefits of being closer to wider family.

Some people consider any choice that is different from their own is automatically, de facto wrong. This is usually due to a deep sense of insecurity.

If you're going to move her then doing it before secondary is the right choice. It's a natural point of upheaval and change and everyone in year 7 is adjusting, the difficulty will be in your timing as you'll need to be resident there by the October of her year 6 so that you are eligible to apply.

Ad for activities and things to, I have heard rumours that there might be one or two actual cities up north that have theatres, nightclubs, music venues restaurants just like in London. I don't want to assume too much, bit this might be true in which case you could even live within easy public transport distance of one of these so DD can have those experiences without being in London. Like I said, it might be worth researching just in case it's true.... <facepalm>

Mike Tindall?

Geoff Boycott?

You all sound so clever and successful OP.

But someone you sort of know, makes some random comments and you have to come and ask here.

Bizarre.

It sounds like you’re a lovely thoughtful parent who is attuned to her child’s needs. Trust that you know best what’s right for your daughter and your family. I’m sure she would benefit greatly from having wider family around and parents that have to work less and are more financially comfortable. I’m also sure you’d continue to support her interests and education wherever you lived. This woman’s comments were a reflection of her priorities and nothing else.

I’d ignore that women but also I think secondary age is a weird age to suddenly decide you have more time for your child is a plus as that’s when they tend to start pulling away and wanting to be with friends. Yes there is help with revision and lifts but that’s not more or extra quality time.

And as much as I so cnba with London it does offer so many more opportunities and things to do for teenagers/young adults then pretty much anywhere else in the U.K. let’s face it.

Be less funny. I’m enjoying a stealth tea next to snoring DH and this made me snort laugh. Please do better. 😉

OP I’d definitely move!

I live in London burbs and love it, but DH and I are both born and bred Londoners.

My friend moved from London to the North and her and her family’s life is brilliant. Their house is huge, kids are in private and the city they live near is fucking brilliant. If you have family elsewhere I wouldn’t hesitate.

Also PLEASE tell me you told that woman to fuck off? She sounds unbearable and a great ad for NOT being privately educated. We all know state schools vary but the good ones - and there are plenty of them - are absolutely fantastic.

Oh, and of course you aren’t being selfish. Dunno why there’s this pervasive societal attitude that once you’re a parent you cannot do anything you want if it has any impact whatsoever on your kids. Your daughter will make new friends, find new sports teams etc etc. You are allowed to enjoy your lives too as parents.

OP if you sent your child to private school they would be surrounded by the children of people who look at life the way this woman does. I believe you’re making all the right choices in life and your child sounds lovely. Everyone in my family is state educated too and we’re all grounded and happy. We all have successful careers too!

What are the chances of your daughter playing sport professionally in any event, and is it really what you would want for her? Professional sportswomen (and men) don't often seem to have balanced happy lives.

I’d move. Life isn’t just about your 1 child, it is about all of the family. DD may get more out of knowing her grandparents/other family members than having a specific coach in London for her sport.
A lot of people move out of London, don’t listen to that mum.

Yorkshire came 12th in the 2012 Olympics. We’re tripping over gold postboxes! But don’t move here, definitely no opportunities, no cities, no nice people, the list of negatives goes on.

I'd get your daughter out of London before she turns into one of the many folks on here that believe she'll wither and die when she sets one foot out of Romford. It is perfectly possible to thrive in other parts of the UK and you have given a lot of thought and reasoning into your proposed move. Don't let one person doubt your judgement.

she straight out said “I think it is selfish when parents who could privately educate their children don’t, shows where their priorities lie!”

I think I would have excused myself and stopped talking to her at this point. What an opinionated woman.

You have a plan, OP. Are you seriously doubting it because of a comment from one mouthy woman?!

This is a mistake if your parents are so old - what family is there to move for? She will be more interested in her friends in a year’s time.

Why are you letting one narrow minded, toffee-nosed snob throw your entire plans off kilter?? You know what’s best for you and your family. Follow that.