Are we being selfish

[Borntofly]

DH and I have one DD, she’s 9 (year 5) super smart, talented, funny and just incredible. We were a bit older when she was born (37 and 39) DH is fast approaching 50.
We live in London, a nice area further out. DH is a consultant Ophthalmologist and I work in the civil service, we have a good combined income around the £200,000 mark.
Our DD is state educated, we could afford private and live in an area where you almost can’t move for private schools but the state school is fantastic and DD is thriving there. We were both state educated and have felt no disadvantages.
DH and I are considering moving up north, his family all live up there and as we get older we crave a slower life. Ideally we’d move before DD goes to secondary.
DD plays a sport competitively, just started playing for the county and really enjoys it, she also does ballet, plays piano and is a great singer (but hates singing lessons). She’s also just a bright, smart kid. DH is fluent in German and has taught DD loads, my French isn’t awful so I’ve taught DD French. DD is desperate to keep learning languages she thinks it’s really cool. If we moved north we have a specific area in mind which had a Grammar school, that seems to be hot on languages - offers French, German and Russian. DD already has tutor and is very bright so in theory she should get in if we moved.

Today I was with DD at a training session for her sport, I decided to stay this time but I don’t usually. I got chatting to another parent. The topic of schools came up, her child is privately educated and she straight out said “I think it is selfish when parents who could privately educate their children don’t, shows where their priorities lie!” I was a bit flabbergasted if I’m honest. We spend lots on DD from Ballet to her sport, singing, piano, tuition, travel and so much more!
She is 100% our priority, we just prefer the culture of the state school, although I know about 1/3-1/2 of her year at her current school will go to private schools for secondary it just doesn’t appeal to me at all.
I then told her about the potential move, she again said she thinks it would be selfish to take DD away from London especially as she is so good at her sport. She could still do the same sport at county level if we moved and I’m sure they will have ballet schools too! Yes she may be less likely to go pro in the sport if we moved as she’d be away from the resources/training London offers, but I don’t think DD is actually that fussed by that, she doesn’t love the competition side (but still wants to do it) and I’m sure if it became apparent she really wanted that we would find a private coach and figure it out!
I’m now up feeling really guilty thinking maybe I shouldn’t be taking her away from the opportunities London has and maybe even should be considering private as we could afford it.

Are we being selfish? AIBU wanting to move and not privately educating her?

The only thing that stood out to me when reading that was…. why is your daughter doing singing lessons if she hates them? It’s not like she’s short of other activities to keep her busy

The other woman just sounds snobby and I wouldn’t feel guilt over that conversation with her

She's being sarcastic

Are you seriously allowing the ravings of one woman to cause you to second guess yourself?

There's a big gap between Ripon and Newcastle with no grammar schools.

It does depend where you're moving and if she'd definitely get a place as grammars are space up here

Transport links for the sport ?

I would not move out of London at this point, and a pre teen won’t appreciate a ‘quieter’ life! She is just getting to an age where she is likely to really appreciate living in a buzzing capital with so much to offer. I would wait until she goes to university personally. If she hates living up north away from her friends you are likely to wish you hadn’t moved her.

Get a weekend home for the holidays and start introducing her to the area you are most likely to move to.

Where are you planning to move? The grammars in Trafford have gone mad this year, very bright children not getting in due to extremely high numbers of applications per place. I’d be doing practise tests and checking her score is way above the cut off before I moved banking on her getting a place

I do not understand; this is a forum of smart, sassy and wonderful women (largely) yet we can have our whole life plan thrown off kilter because another woman has criticised our choices!
Your parenting sounds amazing, yourxdaughter is happy, you are making choices that will benefit you all
Private school is not compulsory if you earn good money.
This hater obviously was jealous; give her no further thought. Enjoy your family life

I think your daughter will have better opportunities if you stay where you are.

That woman sounds poisonous I’d avoid spending time with her… I think you need to be careful about moving at this point though.

she straight out said “I think it is selfish when parents who could privately educate their children don’t, shows where their priorities lie!”
The only appropriate response to this would be a sustained laugh in her face and a "good one, that's hilarious" then walking off.

She's an idiot.

I completely disagree with the woman about the private school though as the state school sounds great.

Let’s be honest, she’s unlikely to go professional wherever you live. Not that she won’t but because most people who want to go professional just end up not getting that opportunity/being pipped to the post. Even if she’s good enough there are no guarantees.

moving up north wouldn’t be my choice for various reasons, but everyone is different.

I'm from the north. Many successful northerners . Jessica Ennis Hill , Alex Scott, Lewis Capaldi and Lesley Garret are a few.

However I'd wait until she is going off to university personally.

“I think it is selfish when parents who could privately educate their children don’t, shows where their priorities lie!”

I have been given this vibe before but actually there are so many factors to consider…..the extra weeks of school holidays are enough to put me off alone! Plus the extra drive to the school (unless it’s your closest).

What a strange comment. You don't know where she's moving to. You don't know what opportunities a move will open up for her.

I would also wait till she is in university then you can retire to the north.

London is pretty amazing in terms of culture, stuff to do, work experience, connections and job opportunities! It’s pretty easy to say she won’t find that anywhere else, and I don’t live anywhere near London!

Teenagers love going there, so I wouldn’t dream of moving, no, and it sounds like op is ageing and wants a quiet life but that isn’t fair to her dd, her whole life has been in London to now. Especially as she is an only child.

We could and don’t privately educate. Between us we have eight degrees. Education is clearly a priority; maintaining the status quo is not. That’s what we’d be paying for.

That conversation casts an interesting perspective on this person’s privilege and their lack of interest in ever sharing it more widely though……..

I love Northumberland and I wish we'd moved when the kids were younger. There's a lot to be said for the people and the pace of life. Like not meeting arrogant strangers who, in one short conversation, think they can tell you about yourself !

Thanks everyone.
Our decision to move north is from a combination of factors

• DHs parents are aging and need some care
• We are now mortgage free in London but if we sold we would be able to get a lot added to the pension pot, potentially both work 4 days a week and be able to invest more in our daughters future
• Feeling a little out of place in London

I grew up in Wales, DH in the north west, we originally moved to London as my job wasn’t available elsewhere, now thanks to the civil service having lots of non-London offices and WFH I can have some more say in where I live and work.

For DD the likely hood of her going pro is teeny tiny, she is good but realistically she is good at lots and lots of things and not likely to make a career out of them all. It’s an individual sport so no need to seek a good team, all we would need is a good coach and she would still stand a fair chance if that’s what she really wanted.

@Newchapterbeckons but that's still such a narrow view of 'opportunity'.
My children are outside all the time, in and out of neighbour's houses, woods and countryside. Building dens, can ride horses. Their friends own farms so they're often there helping out. There is a strong community here so there is loads on. And (can you believe it!) we also have culture! We have loads going on in our little town and are 30 mins from a large city thriving city (Newcastle).
A big relief for me from moving from London to 'The North' (whatever that means - for us it's Northumberland) was being around kinder, friendlier people.
I can see by this thread there is still a lot of snobbery about 'The North' and quite frankly that's great, so you can all stay where you are and we can enjoy it.

You had me for a minute 🤣🤣

Definitely don't move to Yorkshire - no good athlete ever came from Yorkshire.

I would consider how serious she is about sport in a year or so, and look to see what opportunities for it are easily accessible where you wish to move to. As much as you have written this where your child comes first, in reality your actions say that’s not really true, you pay out for hobbies you can easily afford , have taken no time to understand the sport opportunities, it’s just meh we will do something, and don’t consider other schools because it was fine for you.

all of which is totally fine, but I’d not be pretending your kid comes first, what comes first is what suits you and your husband.

Is it selfish to understand that the world is bigger than private school and London? Er no.