To be upset with the school for this?

[Burgandypetals]

My DS is 5 years old and in reception. Each week, one of the children in the class get to take home the class mascot if they get star of the week. It’s only a small class so most of them have now had it.
My DS’s has been struggling at school the last few weeks, particularly sitting still at carpet time and in their words he’s been ‘dysregulated’ I believe he might have ADHD/ASD but academically he’s very advanced, so I wasn’t sure (and I’m still not).
I sent an email to the class teacher about best ways we support him at home if he’s struggling, but most of the time he’s fine in the home environment. However I wanted to let her know the things that have worked for us previously.

He’s really been trying with his behaviour this week and the class teacher said to me , in front of him that he was on track for getting star of the week and we were really going to go for it this week. So he’s been really looking forward to getting it as I’ve been praising his efforts this week and when he woke up today he was saying he hopes he gets it,

However, this morning she approached me on the playground and told me he hadn’t managed to this week as he was still very dysregulated. But they’re going to try for it next week instead. I really don’t understand this, he’s been trying his best all week and she even told me his behaviours had improved, but he still struggles with certain aspects of the classroom and find things overwhelming, surely that’s not a reason not to get star of the week? Because he’s dysregulated and overwhelmed, I thought it would be even more reason to give it to him so as to acknowledge his victories, however small over the past week, compared to the one before.

Just as an example, they get this award for being kind to friends, showing good behaviour and being polite etc. it’s not for their work (he has had worker of the week , but they don’t have anything to take home for that).

So I’m not sure if I ABU or whether I’m justified for feeling like this.

I dont really have an opinion about star of the week.

I would have an opinion about trying to find out why he is disregulated and what support he has to help him regulate.

It seems a very particular thing for the teacher to say about him.

I have a child who is very similar and I hated this whole star of the week and teddy thing as it was such a source of distress each week. From my point of view my DD isn’t being like this on purpose and she feels rubbish enough about it without school making it worse. My DD often can’t control how dysregulated she is so her trying is enough for me to thinking that there should be recognition

I’d find a way to praise him at home with a treat today

Maybe there should be a worker bear for the child who gets worker of the week. Might be a better long term fix for the school anyway.

That was you can get the star and teddy for being the best helper or kindest person and a person gets the worker and bear for best/most improved work.

Since they do the two awards anyway.

DD is in reception and the star of the week descriptions for each year each week are very much about effort rather than achievement. They’re often for coming to school more when a child has been struggling, trying hard with phonics when it’s tricky, being patient at sitting down. I don’t have anything to compare it to as she’s my oldest but the reward for effort aspect seems fair and by that criteria your son should still be getting it - especially as the teacher has discussed it with you both. Why’s he going to try hard again next week when the award goes to a different child today even though he’s done his best?

From a teaching perspective, star of the week is a tool to modify behaviour.

It's designed to show children that pro-social behaviour is considered a good thing and to encourage them to do it - so to be kind to others, help the class by doing what you should be doing and by being where you should.

Children that show those behaviours get it early and then it is explained why they got it.

If your son is often overwhelmed and dysregulated, they are probably trying to get him to change his behaviour a little bit.

But it can be difficult, as sometimes with a student like this even if they have a good week, there might be one incident that was so bad that the teacher feels they can't give it.

I have certainly been in classes where star of the week was given to an autistic boy who was struggling and the other kids were whispering "but he isn't kind, he hit X on Tuesday,".

The teacher needs to balance the fact that your child is trying, with the other children in the class. Maybe he has an incident, maybe another child was so obviously kind on another occasion this week that they really have to give it to them.

If he hasn't go it by the time everyone else has then you need to have a conversation, as nearly all teachers get it to the whole class before starting round again.

Having gone through the Star of the Week for over a decade, no I wouldn't get annoyed at the school for it. Your child will get it eventually, every child does, even the worst behaved child in the class, they'll eventually find a "reason" for them to get it.
Yep it makes the child feel good for that day/week, but eventually even the children catch on that you only get it once per year and every gets it at some point

As for bringing the toy home and filling in the diary, that's a real PITA, especially if you do have an ASD/ADHD child. Remembering to take the photos, print the photos, taking the toy on an "adventure", helping the child fill.in the diary, making sure they don't lose the toy, remembering to take it back to school. I'm only glad they don't get the toy once they move up to KS2

They’ve already given it someone who has had it once before. And there are a couple who still haven’t had it (including my DS).

Re: effort he’s been coming into school everyday and trying his best, he’s got 100% attendance despite some tears in the morning about not going in because he feels overwhelmed in some way or other.
I know he’s tried his best this week as the teacher even told me his behaviour was improved and that he’d been really good on a trip they went on earlier this week.

I can see why you are upset.

Can you reward at home when he has a good day? Ie the Teacher give you the nod that she can tell he's tried hard that day.

I think tonight you reward your DS and acknowledge that his teacher has told you how well he has done this week but other kids have also done really well this week too.

Poor DS. The teachers behaviour is terrible in a few ways. I'd mention that if him having improved & trying his hardest will never be enough for her, she needs to stop talking about him being in track for it.

then I'd think if something he'd like as a similar type treat as the bear and do that.

in a somewhat similar situation we went build a bear then took him out for milkshakes!

(our local charity always has lovely teddies waiting for new families so I'd do that instead now. He can enjoy giving bear a good bath when you get home & a sauna wrapped in a towel on a radiator.

This is why I don't like these awards, my children had the teddy home but it was basically homework and not an awarded and was done by the registrar.
In my sons class they get extra play on a Friday, and they earn it either together or separately.
So for example x is being kind the teacher tells the class that x have earned them all an extra min.
Z has done great at his work then Z has earned them an extra min.
They get the satisfaction of doing something for the whole class and get that knowledge there and then so they get that instantly.
I just think esp at age 5 expecting a child esp with sen to be able to one wait and two to be able to not be disregulated for a week is setting the child to fail.

I would celebrate his good week with him and let him know how proud you are.

I honestly believe you are too invested in this. He will get it eventually. I can’t believe you know which kids have had it and which haven’t! Seriously? How do you have time to obsess over this?

take a step back, what’s important? There is nothing to stop you celebrating your son’s good days. Can you do a chart or something at home? Celebrate with life cream after school or something. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if the only reason your son wants it - is because he knows how much YOU want him to get it.

You need to focus on the improved behaviour and not whether he gets some made up reward at school. Otherwise, if he does get star of the week, where's the motivation for him to keep the good behaviour up?

As others have said, there will also be children that behave well day in day out, and it's soul destroying for them to see a child that only behaves well some of the time get an award when they don't.

What does "he's still very dysregulated" actually mean. Earlier in the week she was saying his behaviour had been improving, and then on the final day "he's still very dysregulated" - does that mean the wheels totally came off? Since you probably can't justify giving a (pointless and arbitrary) star of the week award for improved behaviour if it was improved for three days and then on day four there were multiple or particularly severe incidents of disruptive whatever dysregulated behaviour is for him.

So I would separate the two issues.

I think if your DS is getting overwhelmed etc I'd start a sticker system at home and if the teacher says he has had a good day he gets a sticker which can build up to a treat.

So you have your own rewards system.

Separately I would either email or talk to the teacher and say your DS is struggling with wanting to go to school and he has noticed nearly everyone else has had star if the week and is feeling very discouraged. If you couple that with asking what does he need to do to get started of the week because he really wants the bear.

That should bear fruit, but not necessarily immediately.

I have a child in reception and can also see why you're upset.

I have v mixed feelings about star of the week. Tbh, I suspect (and hope) that DD's teacher just works through the class in alphabetical order and awards it accordingly.

As others have said, it is often used as a tool to improve behaviour. Try not to read too much into the whole thing, but I get it is upsetting.

I don’t have any advice but solidarity. They use this in my 3 year olds preschool and she gets so so upset about star of the day. So we have tears everyday she doesn’t get it. Yes I have explained it to her that it’s ok blah blah and she tries so hard but it’s her first childcare setting and she also struggles to sit quietly etc. compared to other more mellow children who know the routine/ have been there for years. Some children get it multiple times a week and she’s not had it yet so they definitely aren’t giving it out on rotation. I just think it’s so unfair for a 3 yo who is struggling and getting used to the setting they should give her a chance to encourage her even if she isn’t as good as sitting quietly or attention as the others. But I can’t say anything or be “that parent”.

Star of the week is a total nonsense.
We had it in a school I taught in along with a stupid cloud behaviour system and a ridiculous names in a hat to win a scooter for all those who had 100 % attendance, scheme. Utter bollocks all of it.

This. Along with the perfect attendance awards that discriminate against children with disabilities or health conditions. Outdated and unfair.

What does dysregulated even mean in this context? If you suspect ADHD get a referral and get him assessed.

Exactly this, speaking as a mother of an academically advanced 8 year old now off school due to autistic burnout...

He is five, it's not fair if them to dangle a 'good thing' under his nose, get him trying his best to win it, and then tell him he wasn't good enough, which is how he'll likely see it. And why should he try again next week, if he's learned that his efforts aren't rewarded? I get why teachers use star of the week, but still dislike it , it must cause more harm than good. See also 'attendance awards'.

My DC's school does a 'pom-pom jar' in the early years which the children get excited about. Whenever anyone does anything good - kind to friends, excellent sitting, lovely writing, trying hard, polite to staff etc they put in a mini pom pom, and when the jar is full the whole class get a treat. This seems kinder to me.

Poor DS. The teachers behaviour is terrible in a few ways. I'd mention that if him having improved & trying his hardest will never be enough for her, she needs to stop talking about him being in track for it.

I agree with this - if he's really trying and has done what was asked of him, then he shouldn't have this treat dangled in front of him then denied at the last minute. Vague talk of 'improvement' is meaningless and unfair to a kid who's struggling through no fault of his own.

This, like many other primary school awards for attendance or pen licences etc, is fundamentally ableist.

If school are saying he is disregulated that means that there is a question mark over whether he may have some kind of SEN. That they are looking at his behaviour changing rather than the environment that is causing the disregulation is the issue that is totally unfair on your child.

The teacher who heavily implied he was in with a chance this week also got it wrong.

I'm not sure what, if anything, you can do about this, other than reassure him that if he is doing his best you are proud, along with keeping on at the school about assessments/ reasonable adjustments etc if necessary.

I'd mention that if him having improved & trying his hardest will never be enough for her, she needs to stop talking about him being in track for it.

this. He will see it as being ‘well you tried but you’re not good enough. Your best isn’t enough and you’re never getting this’.

He may try again. Or he may take the ‘fuck it’ approach. My ADHD daughter would do the latter if a prize was dangled, she was told it was likely, and then she wasn’t able to cope for the last two days (having desperately help everything in for three already), causing the prize to be yanked away.

tell the teacher never to mention it to him again. If she wants to award it, it can be a nice surprise, but what she’s done is just going to trigger stress and upset.