To be upset with the school for this?

[Burgandypetals]

My DS is 5 years old and in reception. Each week, one of the children in the class get to take home the class mascot if they get star of the week. It’s only a small class so most of them have now had it.
My DS’s has been struggling at school the last few weeks, particularly sitting still at carpet time and in their words he’s been ‘dysregulated’ I believe he might have ADHD/ASD but academically he’s very advanced, so I wasn’t sure (and I’m still not).
I sent an email to the class teacher about best ways we support him at home if he’s struggling, but most of the time he’s fine in the home environment. However I wanted to let her know the things that have worked for us previously.

He’s really been trying with his behaviour this week and the class teacher said to me , in front of him that he was on track for getting star of the week and we were really going to go for it this week. So he’s been really looking forward to getting it as I’ve been praising his efforts this week and when he woke up today he was saying he hopes he gets it,

However, this morning she approached me on the playground and told me he hadn’t managed to this week as he was still very dysregulated. But they’re going to try for it next week instead. I really don’t understand this, he’s been trying his best all week and she even told me his behaviours had improved, but he still struggles with certain aspects of the classroom and find things overwhelming, surely that’s not a reason not to get star of the week? Because he’s dysregulated and overwhelmed, I thought it would be even more reason to give it to him so as to acknowledge his victories, however small over the past week, compared to the one before.

Just as an example, they get this award for being kind to friends, showing good behaviour and being polite etc. it’s not for their work (he has had worker of the week , but they don’t have anything to take home for that).

So I’m not sure if I ABU or whether I’m justified for feeling like this.

I'd be gutted too OP. All this teaches your son is 'what's the point?' Because from his point of view, he's tried his best and it's not only that he hasn't got it, he's actually had it taken away! despite best efforts, it's the fact that the teacher having mentioned he was going to get it, and then changing her mind, that's truly terrible here.
If the school are using terminology like 'dysregulated' then perhaps they should be making more effort to try and regulate him. They have a duty of care to him too. I'm not sure the school system is fit for many these days.

My eldest used to say she was going to be really naughty this week because next week she'd behave and then get Star of the Week because they only gave it to the really naughty ones.
Dislike this kind of reward the most.

What did he actually do? If he has behaved badly then of course they won’t give him star of the week despite him being better behaved earlier in the week.

I agree with PP that you are far too invested in this, unclench he’ll get it eventually, even the most horrifically behaved kids get it at some point.

@Prinnny As far as I know he didn’t behave badly this week, he’s just been ‘disregulated’ according to her.

But what does that mean? How does his ‘disregulation’ manifest?

Ask the teacher to give you some of examples of what his disregulation looks like in the classroom. Is he losing his temper? Refusing to comply with staff instructions? Being nasty to other children? He may well be trying his best but if he's displaying those kinds of behaviours then how can they give him star of the week? I don't think you have all the information you need to help him succeed.

Just to note that it was not getting the class wombat (?!) (despite masking as hard as possible for weeks to try to earn a go) that finally tipped our DS over into burnout and then home education, so I'd have a firm word with the teacher at this stage if I were you!

If he doesn’t get it next week as they’ve said he will do, then I’ll be having a firm word. As some have had it more than once now.

So you're just going to ignore the disregulation issue completely?

@CucumberBagel
No, I’m going to ask for a meeting for clarity. As it’s too difficult to discuss on the playground at pick up/drop off.

As a primary teacher, I think that the teacher has done a really poor job in raising his expectations here and then dashing them. Given she'd said he's on track for it, she really should have found a way to give it to him. But to be honest, she should really not have said he was on track for it, especially as there was no clear criteria he had to hitnto get it. So vague. If you say that to a child, either it puts so much pressure on them that they explode and behaviour goes to pot, or they end up incredibly upset and disappointed, feeling that they've somehow let everyone down and they dont understand what they've done, if they don't get it. It can cause issues with self esteem and trust in the teacher. And it's hugely important to the child - we have to look at it from their perspective, rather than from an adult perspective. Much better not to raise hopes and just find a pleasant thing to award it for for each child in turn. Better still, don't do it! But the teacher won't have that choice- it will be a whole school policy.

My Asd/adhd son would have never have got it if they had to be perfect at all times. He fidgeted all day every day. You can't make a SEN kid feel not good enough due to their disabilities. That's actually really sad. Poor boy.

@PhoenixStarbeamer He’s had worker of the week, so he’s had some recognition at least, and he’s not had an official diagnosis yet, just hints at it.
I’m really hoping he gets it next Friday but nothing I can really do about it, it’s just upsetting.

Oh goodness. EYFS teacher here, you are totally justified in being so upset. The teacher should absolutely not have raised expectations the way she did, that is deeply unfair and will destroy the trust your DS has in her. I would ask for a meeting tbh - if he's 'dysregulating' enough for her to have taken an award away from him (I know she technically hadn't given it to him yet but that feels like splitting hairs) then she needs to tell you exactly how that behaviour manifests. I would also be asking her to explain how she expects a young child to regulate themselves better, when by it's very nature, regulation is not something a young child can control simply through 'trying harder', and in fact often when young children need to regulate themselves, the behaviours tend to fall out with the behaviours we would consider (falsely) 'normal' or 'good'. Star of the week is such a poisoned chalice - I banned it a few years ago, but was forced to bring it back by the head teacher after so many parents kicked off about it. There should be two awards a week - one for effort with work, one for kindness with peers. And it is RIDICULOUS that children who have already had the award are getting it again before your son has had it once - I'd be kicking up merry hell actually! I really hope your little boy gets it next week 🤞🏻

@Username9917

Thanks for being so supportive in your reply. I thought I was being too sensitive but I think I’m justified in feeling this way.

They do have an award for worker of the week as well as star of the week. The worker is for good work or improvements in work, the star is for behaviour/being kind/sharing and so on. But the star includes the soft toy to take home for the weekend.

My DS has had worker of the week, so he’s had recognition for that. However, it’s the star he is waiting for.

I totally agree, her saying he was too disregulated to be given it this week makes no sense as being disregulated isn’t something he can control.
The more I think about it, the angrier I’m getting so I don’t know if I should go in and speak to her until I feel a bit calmer. Although my DP (DS’s dad) is better at talking through things.

Yes this is rubbish of the teacher. My nephew was very similar at that age and got star of the week for other things, and once for 'trying so hard to sit quietly whilst on the carpet'. We all sort of sniggered a bit at that one as clearly he hadn't managed it, but she recognised that he had made a huge effort at something that was especially hard for him. The other ones were for things that were actually his own strengths.

I'm surprised the teacher has done this to be honest and it really doesn't speak well if her understanding of his needs as an individual. It's a weak teacher who can't find a way to reward effort in children who struggle with this kind of thing. And it doesn't even have to be about a diagnosis or not. My DD got star of the week once for singing a song for the teacher in the playground one lunchtime.... She was very timid as a young child and the teacher recognised this as a really brave thing to do for her. If schools are going to do star of the week at all, they should have the intelligence to use it to recognise individual achievements rather than judging everybody by the same standards.

For what it's worth my nephew did end up with an autism diagnosis and primary helped support him and provided strategies for him to manage situations that were hard for him. He has just started secondary school and is coping really well.

You're right OP and honestly I hate star of the week crap. It's incentive and extrinsic. The point of self regulation is to find intrinsic strategies that help. There is no comparison between home and school, however it's v helpful for school to know habits and what works but it's a bit like comparing the relaxed version of you in front of tv with snacks etc to work you with noise and 1000 demands.

I don’t think the teacher should tell your son he’s likely to get it and then be forced to take it away - that’s just a bit cruel. I echo poster who said to ask daily how he’s been and create your own sticker chart at home- then he has something else to focus his mind on. From experience I can honestly say there’s many occasions like this in school environment - the unruly kids were given iPad time in the classroom in front of everyone when they had ONE good day in my children’s primary. My son who was always well behaved never got to go on the iPad because it wasn’t his behaviour they were trying to fix. So unfair that he still recalls it to to this day (he’s now 16).

I wish they would ban star of the week! I know teachers say it helps to moderate behaviour, but it doesn't, it just makes the kids that are well-behaved all the time so upset when the same kids that have behaviour issues get it all the time because they managed to sit still for five minutes on Tuesday.

My daughter didn't get it at all one year as the teacher said she had forgotten to give it to her as she was so quiet!

It's unfair they got his hopes up like that. They should have just praised him and not mentioned the star

Urgh I hate these behaviour modification awards. At my kids school it is a total tick box exercise and everyone in the class gets the star of the week once a year. It teaches the well behaved kids that they won't necessary be recognised as meeting the school criteria first, so must be unfair. It teaches the struggling kids that they will get it anyway.

Also, please don't give potentially autistic kids a sticker a day if they fit the behaviour criteria. I can see the meaning well behind the idea, but it is really teaches them that they should mask their distress at being in an unsuitable environment. What we should be doing is making suitable provision for them to reach their potential, although I agree that probably won't happen in my lifetime. I say that as a mum to autistic children.

When the teacher is using the phrase deregulated it means he is not managing his emotions well.

This is generally used for children who are having trouble managing g their frustration at not being able to do what they want to do.

Eg he wants to play with toy X, child Y is already playing with toy X, he bursts into tears because he wants it.

Or he is asked to sit on the carpet with the other kids for carpet time but he wants to go outside and so he bangs on the outside door.

If a kid is being described as dysregulated by a teacher he is usually having trouble meeting the expectations of the class and is feeling frustration and anger as a result. This usually means he is then behaving badly.

The teacher is probably trying not to say to you that your son is badly behaved, but in practice that is what it means.

Some children who have these issues mature with help and are able to meet expectations. Others are neuro-diverse and will have significant difficulties meeting expectations.

In your shoes I would ask to meet the teacher and ask her what exactly he is doing when she says he is dysregulated. I would then look at putting in some emotional and social support.

I think you need to get behind the school speak here. It sounds like he had a good first half of the week but then there were some incidents later on in the week which made the teacher feel that it wasn’t fair to give him the award. I think that’s reasonable. I agree she shouldn’t have got his hopes up but, in reality, if he’s been pushing people, hitting or not being kind, or just really disruptive in class then what example is that going to show to the other kids? They do notice, they do complain to the teacher and their parents and then the parents complain to the teacher- and sometimes the head! Plus it undermines the purpose of the award. There’s always a balance to be struck- kids who find school difficult always get the awards for doing “less”- quite rightly- but there’s got to be a point where the teacher draws a line.

Try to find out what’s actually happened rather than focussing on being pissed off.

Well he shouldn't have been "looking forward to getting it" as if it was a foregone conclusion. Especially because YOU had been praising him. It's not your reward to give, but it is your job to help him manage his expectations.

Star of the week (whether you agree with it or not) is a winner our of the whole class, not a simple positive or negative for an individual. You've no idea why someone else got it, but it's likely that they've at least been seen to do things right rather than wrong.

Sounds unfair on him, I'd put it in an email, and ask her to clarify in writing exactly what this weeks 'disregulated' meant, and ask for a meeting with her and Senco, with a view to getting him assessed, and that you will/have contacted GP about referring him on.