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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with the school for this?

58 replies

Burgandypetals · 02/02/2024 12:05

My DS is 5 years old and in reception. Each week, one of the children in the class get to take home the class mascot if they get star of the week. It’s only a small class so most of them have now had it.
My DS’s has been struggling at school the last few weeks, particularly sitting still at carpet time and in their words he’s been ‘dysregulated’ I believe he might have ADHD/ASD but academically he’s very advanced, so I wasn’t sure (and I’m still not).
I sent an email to the class teacher about best ways we support him at home if he’s struggling, but most of the time he’s fine in the home environment. However I wanted to let her know the things that have worked for us previously.

He’s really been trying with his behaviour this week and the class teacher said to me , in front of him that he was on track for getting star of the week and we were really going to go for it this week. So he’s been really looking forward to getting it as I’ve been praising his efforts this week and when he woke up today he was saying he hopes he gets it,

However, this morning she approached me on the playground and told me he hadn’t managed to this week as he was still very dysregulated. But they’re going to try for it next week instead. I really don’t understand this, he’s been trying his best all week and she even told me his behaviours had improved, but he still struggles with certain aspects of the classroom and find things overwhelming, surely that’s not a reason not to get star of the week? Because he’s dysregulated and overwhelmed, I thought it would be even more reason to give it to him so as to acknowledge his victories, however small over the past week, compared to the one before.

Just as an example, they get this award for being kind to friends, showing good behaviour and being polite etc. it’s not for their work (he has had worker of the week , but they don’t have anything to take home for that).

So I’m not sure if I ABU or whether I’m justified for feeling like this.

OP posts:

abeautifulmess1234 · 03/02/2024 10:50

Seashor · 02/02/2024 14:31

Star of the week is a total nonsense.
We had it in a school I taught in along with a stupid cloud behaviour system and a ridiculous names in a hat to win a scooter for all those who had 100 % attendance, scheme. Utter bollocks all of it.

Did we work at the same school.....

Mariposistaaa · 03/02/2024 12:19

Perhaps the teacher thinks he is trying hard but is not quite there yet. A bit more consistent good behavior and he will be.

Floralnomad · 03/02/2024 12:25

endofthelinefinally · 02/02/2024 14:34

This. Along with the perfect attendance awards that discriminate against children with disabilities or health conditions. Outdated and unfair.

Show quote history

i agree with all of the above .

Lovetotravel123 · 03/02/2024 12:28

The whole system is a bit dysfunctional, even if the intentions are good. I come at this from the other side in that my child was always quiet and well behaved (not a humblebrag and I take no credit) but never got these awards because they were always given to those who needed to try harder to behave. So he was equally frustrated. It only works for those in the middle.

Mariposistaaa · 03/02/2024 12:38

Octavia64 · 03/02/2024 10:27

When the teacher is using the phrase deregulated it means he is not managing his emotions well.

This is generally used for children who are having trouble managing g their frustration at not being able to do what they want to do.

Eg he wants to play with toy X, child Y is already playing with toy X, he bursts into tears because he wants it.

Or he is asked to sit on the carpet with the other kids for carpet time but he wants to go outside and so he bangs on the outside door.

If a kid is being described as dysregulated by a teacher he is usually having trouble meeting the expectations of the class and is feeling frustration and anger as a result. This usually means he is then behaving badly.

The teacher is probably trying not to say to you that your son is badly behaved, but in practice that is what it means.

Some children who have these issues mature with help and are able to meet expectations. Others are neuro-diverse and will have significant difficulties meeting expectations.

In your shoes I would ask to meet the teacher and ask her what exactly he is doing when she says he is dysregulated. I would then look at putting in some emotional and social support.

This!
and to give a child acting like that an award technically rewards that sort of behavior. So he will think it’s ok to act like that.

lifehappens12 · 03/02/2024 14:50

Have you approached your school senco? We did very early on as my son as speech delay but he struggled from day 1 to be on the carpet.

I had meetings with senco and his teacher to talk about strategies to help him on the carpet. Often he needed special toy to be with him. His teacher made adaptations so that he would come. A good week looked likely mostly on the carpet.

During this time - he got rewards otherwise he would have waited a year before getting anything.

Not to early to ask for senco to be involved. I though the school would do this but they wait for the parents to reach out

Laiste · 03/02/2024 15:13

A meeting with the teacher and talking about disregulation in his behaviour, so that you understand what they are on about will go a million miles towards helping this situation.

It's easy for teachers and TAs to get caught up in the catch words and phrases used to describe behaviour and support systems and forget the parents don't know what they mean.

At the very least you'll be able to talk/support about specific flash points he has with him. Like sitting on the carpet for 10 mins. Or making sure not to snatch or hit. He might feel more like school is less of an alien place if you his mum can talk to him about specific things which go on at school and call them by what they're called. If that makes sense.

Laiste · 03/02/2024 15:17

I feel my last paragraph was nonsense!

I mean if the teacher says 'Circle story time' is tricky with him because of x, y z - when you chat with him at home you can call it Circle Story Time and talk about his brilliant sitting still, and it will sink in better using the right name for the activity.

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