…to worry about safety at a playdate?

[NooNooMummy]

Feeling conflicted- am I being snobby/ fussy or should I be concerned?

in brief: my tween is going to a classmate’s for tea next week. The classmate is new to the school so I don’t know them/ have never met her mum. But our girls ate good friends. Our school is v diverse with kids from disadvantaged backgrounds.’ I like this diversity. But just realised that the play date is happening in a part of town that is really ‘edge-y’ (Even Wikipedia starts its description of it with ‘known for its poverty, deprivation and gang subculture.’).

The playdate will no doubt be absolutely fine/ lovely but feel like I’m being a bad parent for just letting my tween trot off to hang out there with people I don’t know. Or am I a snob?! What would you do?

At some point you have to trust her!
Make sure phone is charged.
Tracking enabled.
Agree on an emergency word or emoticon that if she feels something is not ok, she sends you, you come and get her.
Agree when she'll be back and how (bus/walking route etc)

As they get to be teens, they do do this.

I would be concerned about where it is though.

How is she getting there? Is she used to buses etc if that is what she is using?

A lot depends on the detail.

Are you worried she’ll catch ‘the poor’?

Exactly! Is that what’s actually bothering me? But I don’t know the family, what basic checks would you carry out before any play date?

Well I'm very lucky that the friends I made at private school didn't judge me on the area I lived in, or the fact that my DM was a single parent or that we lived in a council flat!

It is not the child's fault that they don't live in a great area

I would go with your instinct and not what you think you should do. If you don't feel it's right go with that and perhaps suggests a neutral place they can go and hang out .. shopping centre .. cinema..

I would insist on taking her there so that you can meet her Mum, see the home etc. Have some rules about not leaving the place eg 'for a walk'. If you're really worried, sit in your car outside until it's time to pick her up.

Op had not suggested any such thing, actually.

I live in an area thats always on the news and has had many books written about its gang culture and if it's any reassurance I always put the crack pipe away and make sure the local drug lord has left my house before DCs mates come round.

In all seriousness at 12 (?) I think its difficult to 'vet' every mates home your child might end up in, especially if they already do have a bit of freedom to meet up with pals etc. At that age it's better to make sure they keep in contact - thats a non negotiable rule for me, I expect a quick text every hour at least to check in - and to let you know where they are intending to go. Occasionally I'll insist they put their tracker app on depending on where they are going.

And never call it a playdate out loud to anyone else at this age unless you want to bring social death on to your child 🤣

What exactly worries you...
How she gets there and back....then area could be a concern.
Not having met the parents.....as kids get older that becomes normal ...have you taught her to say no, be sensible and given a phone?
The parents might not be your class and introduce her to chip butties and pop?

I did have a friends mum who forbid her very posh DD to come to my house because of this same thing. We stayed friends but did drift apart, and last I heard she was doing her second stint in prison for dealing. Go figure!!

OP you don't sound like a snob at all. I'm from an area like that so I get your concerns. I'd just make sure you collect her yourself.

I'd probably be fine but I understand other parents aren't so if a new child, even teen, was going to come over to my house, I'd say that the mum is welcome to stay for a coffee with me.

I don't think its judgy to be wary about a child hanging around in a very rough area. Tweens are at that age where they are starting to be allowed more freedom but aren't old enough to cope with what might happen.

I know i'll get eaten alive for saying this but its very very different for the child who lives there and is "known" in that community. They will be more streetwise and used to knowing who/where/what to avoid.

That doesn't rule out going to a friends house though. Regardless of the area it'll be a family home. I'd drop the child round myself by car, and insist they are not heading out to "hang around" unsupervised in parks etc. I definitely wouldn't want them out in the evening for example.

You're concerned because the area isn't great? I mean, unless we're talking some kind of ghetto, I think you're being a little OTT for a tween playdate. Possibly I'd be more sympathetic if you thought there was a chance they'd be wandering around at night alone, but this is a post-school thing? It's just going to be perfectly normal activities. They'll probably spend their time making tik Tok videos or something.

I think op does sound like a snob but it's coming from an understandable(ish) place. I used to worry about DC going anywhere tbh but the point is soon reached where its less about keeping them away from situations because you can, and more about preparing them.

i take thecapproach that if you shield them too much if they are thrown into something else when they are a bit older e.g. meeting a pal who then suggests going to another random pals where it IS social death to say "oh I can't mum won't like it" they won't be savvy enough to deal with anything that might be a bit eeeeek.

It’s very honest of you to admit these feelings. And it’s okay to have that emotional response - you can’t help that. That’s not unreasonable, but acting on it (by stopping the play date) would be really unreasonable, which I think you know.

Hows she getting home? If that’s sorted, then you’ve got nothing to worry about and you’re doing your dd a huge favour by not passing on your (subsconscious) prejudice.

My children have friends from varied backgrounds ,and I can honestly say the only dodgy problem my daughter had was with a very’huggy’Dad who owns his own company !

Yes, I think the area is a red herring. If she's walking there or home alone, then you might want to collect her instead - DS had a friend who, if they walked to each other's houses meant walking through a somewhat dodgy back path where teenagers had been assaullted/mugged in the past - so irritatingly we had to drive him instead. But the actual playdate, assuming you like the child, isn't a big deal. Is your child still in primary and have you met the mum/dad?

Your description is very outing - I found the area in second with google

Have you got the mum’s phone number? I’d send her a friendly WhatsApp and say thanks for having your dd over, confirm arrangements etc. Hopefully she’ll reply in a friendly way, and you’ll feel better having that bit of contact. Are they walking through the dodgy area, is that what you’re worried about? I think it’s reasonable to ask your dd to text you when she gets there (or for you to check where she is by tracking location if she’d rather that).

Is their house actually in a very dodgy street? Or is it a case of the whole post code getting a bad rep? Because its not always a fair description for an entire area.
I'd be worried, but at that age I'd let her go. I'd tell her to keep her phone on her and I'd pick her up afterwards, so I could do my own assessment for future play dates.
For what it's worth, my best friend in high school lived in a very dodgy part of town, as did her whole extended family. I loved going there, we'd go round all the family's houses, seeing various cousins and relatives. All their doors would be open and we'd have a great time. It opened my eyes and I actually think it made me a better, more well rounded person, who's able to chat and get along with people from all walks of life.

@BombaySamphire they why did the OP mention the wiki description of the area the child lives in?

The description you said was on Wiki could describe hundreds of inner city areas across the UK and beyond. Would you be comfortable if you talked to the Mum first? Maybe take her there the first time and introuduce yourself, tell the Mum your number etc. There is nothing to worry about generally other than you don't know them and don't know the area. Why not go there yourself and see. It's bound to just be a normal place that's fine but with a certain amount of social housing/ poverty and associated issues. The families on estates often know eachother well and if she plays out with the local kids they will all be keeping an eye out for eachother, and will be familiar with local risks (I doubt there really are many)

I'd put a stop to it. If she spends any time with these sort of people, she'll be vaping, getting her belly button pierced and having wings tattooed on the small of her back. This will happen immediately, leading to a career in childcare and/or beauty salons.