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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

…to worry about safety at a playdate?

65 replies

NooNooMummy · 02/02/2024 09:38

Feeling conflicted- am I being snobby/ fussy or should I be concerned?

in brief: my tween is going to a classmate’s for tea next week. The classmate is new to the school so I don’t know them/ have never met her mum. But our girls ate good friends. Our school is v diverse with kids from disadvantaged backgrounds.’ I like this diversity. But just realised that the play date is happening in a part of town that is really ‘edge-y’ (Even Wikipedia starts its description of it with ‘known for its poverty, deprivation and gang subculture.’).

The playdate will no doubt be absolutely fine/ lovely but feel like I’m being a bad parent for just letting my tween trot off to hang out there with people I don’t know. Or am I a snob?! What would you do?

OP posts:
Mynewnameis · 02/02/2024 12:39

Haha. I also know exactly the estate you mean now op.

nothingcomestonothing · 02/02/2024 12:45

When mine go to a new friend's house, they get dropped off so I can see there's an adult in the house who is expecting my kid to be there. I also require a phone number, and my DD is not allowed for a sleepover if there is only going to be a male adult there. I am of course considered ridiculously strict, but I know DD secretly appreciates my 'strictness'.

Are you able to take your DC and pick up? I'd feel better about that than letting them make their own way, plus then you know they are where they say they are with an adult around.

MojoMoon · 02/02/2024 12:47

Well, I tried Wikipedia and it said that phrase for Globe Town in Bethnal Green and Angell Town in Brixton.

If it is Globe Town, then I used to live on the edge of it and still cycle through it a few times a week.
It's fine. Lovely coffee shop with avocado on toast called Recharge.

HooverIsAlwaysBroken · 02/02/2024 12:55

OP, I think you phrased the question quite badly (I hope). As for me,

I would want to know more about the child /parents before my DCs went on a playdate. My DS has two friends I am very reluctant to allow play dates with due to bad language/inappropriate screen habits (18+ / porn).

if the area was genuinely rough, I would look at a solution.

I couldn’t care less about socioeconomic background.

KreedKafer · 02/02/2024 13:05

I do think you are, basically, being a snob. Just because an area has a bad reputation that doesn't mean everyone - or even the majority - who lives there are terrible people. She's going to someone's house for tea after school. They are unlikely to serve her heroin for dinner just because they live somewhere a bit grotty.

Mariposistaaa · 02/02/2024 13:05

Ugh what a snob.
My best friend at school lived on the edge of a big council estate. Her Indian parents ran the little newsagent. We often helped out in it after school.
Her house (privately owned/rented just in case that's important to you) may have been in a dodgy area but it was spotless. There was always nice food and I learned a lot about her culture.
But of course you could always steer your child towards friends who meet your social expectations. Just remember the nurse/carer who could look after you one day might live on a council estate. Or the cleaner who cleans your office, or the person serves you in the supermarket.
Or SHOCK HORROR your daughter may end up marrying someone from a 'lower class' to you one day!

Lavenderosa · 02/02/2024 13:06

OP, I really think you should ignore any comments trying to frame you as snobby. There's nothing in your post that suggests you care about the other child's social status, just your own child's safety.

Nobody is being a snob who cares about the safety of their child. I grew up on a rough council estate (even rougher now) and I know that places like stairwells and back alleys can be scary. Children who live there get used to it (I had to step over a passed out alcoholic at the bottom of our stairs most days after school). I wouldn't have let my own children go to that estate for a playdate without taking them there, meeting the parent(s) and picking them up.

Stick to your guns and you'll have peace of mind.

nothingcomestonothing · 02/02/2024 13:10

OP, I really think you should ignore any comments trying to frame you as snobby. There's nothing in your post that suggests you care about the other child's social status, just your own child's safety.

I agree, the OP might have been clumsily worded but it's really about trying to navigate that point when your DC are starting to spread their wings and dealing with situations you haven't come across before.

I don't care if new friend lives in the council flats or the manor house, the rules are the same: I get a phone number and I clap eyes on an adult who knows my kid is there.

Original poster
NooNooMummy · 02/02/2024 13:37

Thanks everyone! Feeling slightly less mad about my worries :)

OP posts:
FunnysInLaJardin · 02/02/2024 13:47

when my DS's were that age I would always want to know where they were going to be and ideally have the parents number, just in case they didn't come home when expected.

Imagine if you had to call the police, but hadn't a clue where your children were.

Obviously different now they are 14 and 18, but at 11/12 definitely need to know

dearymcdearface · 02/02/2024 13:51

A playdate? Does your 12-year old know you are calling it a playdate? 🙈

Onelife2024 · 02/02/2024 13:51

I have a 12 year old and when she’s at friends houses she usually goes out with them on her own to the shop / park etc.. (usually taking huge numbers of selfies on their phones!) If it’s the sort of area you wouldn’t want her doing that in then I would feel the same as you. Could you subtly suggest taking them to a shopping centre or that they come to yours instead? Or I would probably drop off and wait nearby somewhere with a tracking device on, and keep the visit short.

SandyWaves · 02/02/2024 14:00

There's NO way I would let my child go to a friends home and I don't know the parents and having seen the house.

Crazy

You don't know anything about the parents, if there are dogs, who is going in and out the house.

Greenbike · 02/02/2024 14:03

I wouldn’t be worried if the family seem nice. Gang violence is scary but in 99.9% of cases doesn’t affect people who aren’t involved in gangs. OP it sounds like you are in inner London, which statistically is a very safe place to grow up, even the “dodgier” bits of it. There are always people around, good street lighting, no need to get a lift home with a teenage friend who‘s been drinking. I would relax and let her go. Definitely don’t wait outside in a parked car, that’s really creepy.

chantelion · 02/02/2024 14:04

SandyWaves · 02/02/2024 14:00

There's NO way I would let my child go to a friends home and I don't know the parents and having seen the house.

Crazy

You don't know anything about the parents, if there are dogs, who is going in and out the house.

This. And I don't know anyone who wouldn't do that either. We usually meet the parents at school first. If there's no opportunity to do so then I would probably have the child over to mine. What does 12yo have anything to do with knowing if they are safe? They are just children themselves.

Thedance · 02/02/2024 14:08

Can you take her and pick her up?
I don't think you are being unreasonable or snobbish as you are being thoughtful and questioning your notices. Just cautious which is understandable when it's your child

AhBiscuits · 02/02/2024 14:11

I think I'd want to know a bit about the family before letting my child go there. Just as an example, if they smoke indoors or have an XL bully then my kid would not be going.

chantelion · 02/02/2024 14:38

We also do play day dates like this if we haven't had a chance to meet the parents at school. Drop off, invite parent in for coffee and chat and so on.

Original poster
NooNooMummy · 02/02/2024 14:40

She’s 9

OP posts:
Wallabyone · 02/02/2024 15:00

I have a 9 year old, she's not a tween. I wouldn't let her go to anyone's house if I hadn't met them first, no matter where they lived.

Onelife2024 · 02/02/2024 15:12

Wallabyone · 02/02/2024 15:00

I have a 9 year old, she's not a tween. I wouldn't let her go to anyone's house if I hadn't met them first, no matter where they lived.

I agree

ColdAsConcrete · 02/02/2024 15:14

Er no, not a 9 year old. I thought by tween you meant 11/12 and at secondary. I'd definitely want to meet the parents/ go with.

Mynewnameis · 02/02/2024 15:27

9 isn't a tween! Totally changes the response

Hobbi · 02/02/2024 15:33

Mynewnameis · 02/02/2024 15:27

9 isn't a tween! Totally changes the response

This. Most of the comments on this thread would be entirely different if you knew what a tween was.

Ohnoooooooo · 02/02/2024 15:37

9 is not a tween!!
I let my tween (aged 12) do something similar but I stayed locally and told her to call me if need be.

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