…to worry about safety at a playdate?

[NooNooMummy]

Feeling conflicted- am I being snobby/ fussy or should I be concerned?

in brief: my tween is going to a classmate’s for tea next week. The classmate is new to the school so I don’t know them/ have never met her mum. But our girls ate good friends. Our school is v diverse with kids from disadvantaged backgrounds.’ I like this diversity. But just realised that the play date is happening in a part of town that is really ‘edge-y’ (Even Wikipedia starts its description of it with ‘known for its poverty, deprivation and gang subculture.’).

The playdate will no doubt be absolutely fine/ lovely but feel like I’m being a bad parent for just letting my tween trot off to hang out there with people I don’t know. Or am I a snob?! What would you do?

But this makes no sense. If the parents have the same feelings as you do, how can the child come to yours if you haven't had the opportunity to meet the parents at school? It's the exact situation except their child who's at a strangers house instead of yours. Surely you can't ask more of others than you're prepared to do yourself? You're asking them to blindly trust you but can't do the same...

Out of interest, how would people propose she vet the parent to a suitable standard to allow the child to go to the friend's house?

Chatted a few times at school gate? How many times? Do you grill them explicitly or just casually drop things into conversation to find out if they are in a criminal gang or own an XL bully?

Have previously invited the parent and child to your house? How would that tell you what their house was like?

Have the kid round to yours first and grill the kid about their household? I think this might be the most successful way tbh.

What if you drop the kid off and have a chance to meet the mum on the doorstep/see their front hall? Is that enough or is a full house inspection required? How does that work? Do you explicitly say "I need to come into your house first before my child can stay, please get me a coffee and make conversation for X number of minutes"?

So my DS is way too young for this now, but I remember when I was in yr 7 and made new friends, my mam would insist on dropping me off at friends houses if I was invited and ask to chat to the parent, swap numbers with the parent and then just hope for the best! There certainly is a point when you have to trust you've instilled enough sense in your child to know they'll get in touch if they find themselves uncomfortable.

But the other family are poor so cannot be immediately trusted while the poster is middle class and so immediately can be trusted by the poor family who should recognize them as their superior and be glad of an invite?

Ughhhhh
When I was in primary school I had two friends (one from school and the other from a club).
The one girl was rich personified. Her mother was a dancer in a well known pop group, they lived in a mansion with horses and a pool. By contrast the other girl lived on an estate. Went to a couple of playdates at both.
So the rich girl: the only adult around in the house was her very frail gran. We had unsupervised use of the pool (we were only 9), she had loads of pets in cages including a snake that we got out. We rode the horses without helmets. By contrast, the poorer girl’s house was immaculate. Her lovely polite mum made us lovely food, the TV was never in and we played board games and with toys.

which playdate do you think my mother was happier with?

To be honest even if my kids friend lived in a nice area I'd prefer to meet their parents before letting them go play at their house. But my kid is only 6 so maybe I'll be a bit more relaxed when she's older.

You like diversity till her experiences get a bit too diverse….

It would depend on had I seen the mum and had she made proper contact about the playdate introducing herself, giving full address etc.

If you don't want DD playing out, I'd make that clear too. I would also be asking if there were any dogs.

9 years old is not a tween. I would be offering to drop your child off at the house and checking they’re suitably supervised by an adult. At that age, no going out to local shops unless they’re literally next door.

@MojoMoon Exactly!

If you want to meet all parents before a play date fair enough. But do not treat safety differently simply because it is a poor family.

I haven’t said that I’m middle-class. I was just a bit worried about the area and that I hadn’t met the mum. I’ve been grateful for everyone’s advice and it’s reassured me that I’m not over the top.

And, Ive now met the mum and she’s a lovely, normal mum. So, it feels much better. (She wasn’t carrying a machete, smoking a crack pipe or anything…. :))

That’s great! It’s easier with a 9 year old (rather than a 12 year old) in a way, because as long as it’s a nice family it doesn’t really matter what the area is like. An older child is more likely to go out exploring with their friend on their own, which makes the type of area more important.

Oh how I love the 'I love the diversity' line until your MC child wants to be friends with someone not like them.

She won't she roaming the streets in this dodgy area! she'll be safe inside her friends home. I think I'd get her parents number and swap a few messages before the play date.

At age 9 I never let mine go to a house if we didn't know them.
And that had absolutely nothing to do with which area of town they lived.