To ask how on earth I can manage to get everything done?

[Mnk711]

DP away with work. I work full time (8.15-5pm) in a very busy job. Have 2 kids, 2yo and 7months old. I need advice on how to get everything done that's needed (and TBH also probably to be told I'm not completely useless as some family members make me feel). Routine is currently:

6/6.30am wake with baby, feed and change him
6.30am toddler up, get her breakfast and feed baby solids
7.20ish run round packing nursery bags, washing bottles etc
7.40 off to nursery
8 15 start work, finish 1700, leap in car to rush to nursery before it closes
1730 collect kids, breast feed baby (won't have much milk from bottle or cup at nursery so needs jmmediate feed)
1800ish arrive back home, try to cobble some kind of dinner together and get things ready for bedtime routine
1820ish eat dinner, feed baby and toddler
1845 bath both kids, bedtime routine with toddler, both into bed for around 7.30 but baby is clingy atm so need to stay with him.
7.30ish do a bit more work online, try to sort life admin like food shopping/delivery, sorting out insurance, paying nursery bills etc.
From 8.30ish onwards manage baby wakeups (still every 2h or less most nights!) and occasional toddler ones, sleep myself around midnight/1am

Weekends I have to get them out if the house early so they don't destroy it. So no chance to sort anything then either though usually manage to run round ramming washing into the machine and then the dryer so at least the kids have something to wear.

When do people get their meal prep done/cleaning sorted? I find it impossible to do this with the two little ones there as baby is often shoving dangerous things in his mouth or toddler is breaking things. I can't do it during weekdays as work is too busy. And at night I have to be in with the children.

Am i just being useless and inefficient? Two older female family members have told me they managed it all themselves and were fine, and that I just have to get on with it. (Which I largely do except cleaning which I struggle to fit in and view as the least important thing, providing the house isn’t a health hazard). They treat me as if I am lazy and useless. They seem to forget they weren't actually alone (plenty of childcare support/childminders etc, at least some help from husband and GPs, only worked part time etc). Maybe I am just lazy and useless. Help!

Children fed clean and healthy
You fed clean and healthy

Job done

That’s tough

How long and how often is he away for? If it’s a one off / unusual I’d say batch cooking or lay in ready meals before he goes so there’s almost no cooking while he’s away.

Similarly life admin - get ahead while he is home/leave to when he is back, ignore while he is away. You need to get to sleep earlier or you will break. Cleaning can be ignored.

This doesn’t work of course if he’s going to be working away on a regular basis. If that’s the case then bluntly I’d say his working away is only worthwhile if it earns enough for you to buy in some help - cleaner to do laundry or babysitter to do the nursery pick up and sort tea for example.

That’s been my life for the last 4 years. Now add in 3 nights of various afterschool activities!

organisation is key. Take shortcuts, make life as easy for yourself as you can.

If family make you feel rubbish, don’t share with them and avoid.

Once you get into the swing of it , it’s manageable.

You're amazing. Acknowledge that first of all.

For me, accepting I can't keep on top of everything has helped
Prioritise one or two big things each day alongside the usual tasks - laundry load x 1, clean the bathroom, roast a chicken that will last a few days - that kind of thing

Don't expect perfection while they are under 5

It's so hard - my to do list grows and grows and when there is ever a rare 30 mins to myself I just want to sit and do nothing.

Trying not to be hard on myself - easier said than done but sounds like your children are ok and fed which is all that matters.

If you've got the strength in you, i'd maybe start with sleep training. Doesn't have to be the torturous cry it out method, I use the sensational baby sleep plan and my 4mo has slept through 11+ hrs from 9wks old. She has a toddler plan too. If you can get them both sleeping through that will free up a bit more of you evenings, you can try and get a start on packing lunch bags/ washing bottles etc in the evening to save your mad dash in the morning.

I would also say to take a look at what the 'mess' actually is and is there stuff you can get rid of or organise better to make it easier for you to manage.

Is it toys? Do they have too many, could you donate some? Is there a nice easy toy box to throw them into? Get the toddler in the habit of tidying up when they finish playing, make it a game, set a timer for 5 minutes and see if they can tidy up before the buzzer sounds. Younger siblings copy their older ones so little one will learn from the get go.

Is it laundry? Have you got hampers/ baskets you can hide it away in until you're ready to put it away? I find tucking stuff away until I can get round to it gives the illusion of tidiness and being on top of things, makes it less overwhelming for me.

Is it actual cleaning of things, vacuuming etc? I procrastinate on this and I actually find the 5 min timer helpful for me too. How much of the bathroom can I clean in 5 mins... you can surprisingly get a lot done in 5 mins, if you squeeze that in in the evening you'll manage to get a fair bit done in the week and not overload yourself trying to do the whole house at once. Little and often gets the job done!

Also your older female family likely didn't have very demanding jobs and could probably leave work at the door. Give yourself a break, you are doing an amazing job and probably running yourself ragged. Ignore them, if they have a problem with your messy house they are welcome to come help clean it!

If DH has to work away, could he ease the burden on you by dealing with some of the admin: paying bills, sorting insurance, all that kind of thing? He will have free time when he is not actually either at work or wrangling babies, unlike you.
I agree that if you can't afford to buy in help when he's working away ( cleaner, childcare) then as a family it's worth considering whether the job is worth it.
I know my DH back- pedalled in his career when the DC were young, as frequent trips away made my life just too difficult. We decided it just wasn't worth it .
It seems like you are working quite long hours while going short on sleep and breastfeeding what must quite a young baby.
I think anyone who is criticising you rather than helping is being quite unreasonable- don't listen to them!

With kids that age and that sort of non sleeping you must be exhausted so survival is a top result.
How long is he away for? Can’t he do the life admin from wherever he is? Nursery bills, insurance etc?

Write a list on your phone of the easiest quickest meals you can do. Repetitive is fine. Order the same things each week if need be. Keep it as simple as possible on the times it’s just you. Time to get more creative when you are sleeping for more than 2 hours at a time.

I do think it would be much better to pack the nursery bag and wash bottles the night before. Anything to make it easier in the morning.

Own your timings. One or two more minutes at work isn’t going to make that much difference over the whole day. Force yourself to leave a a couple of minutes earlier if you can so you aren’t rushing and running. Take a deep breath or two.

There’s no way I’d get any cleaning at all done bar essential washing up. Nuh uh. By yourself with kids that age - I’m sure some people could do it but I wouldn’t be one of them. Can a cleaner help?

And mostly - ignore the naysayers. You’re doing amazing. Imagine how lauded you’d be if you were male and doing this!

You are smashing it. That's it! Now divide and conquer any other tasks.

Hmm sounds like they're not making fair comparisons, luv. And as for lazy, I needed a lie down after reading that! Fair play to you 👏

Is husband in an uncontactable away for a length sort of job? If so, that’s really hard and you’re doing fantastically.

Ignore the female relatives. Or, smile sweetly and say ‘Gosh, you must teach me the tricks. In fact, could you come over this weekend and help?’

Hire a cleaner. If possible, get husband to research and shortlist some.

Consider a delivery of ready meals for the freezer, like Cook.

Recognise that you’re doing brilliantly.

Sounds like you're doing an amazing job for your kids 👏

Is there a reason you have to work 8.15 - 5? Do you get a lunch break in that time? Why are you working again in the evening? Just asking as I wonder if it's possible for you to cut back to your contracted hours and have an hour at lunchtime to get stuff done without the children being there? I know you said you have a busy job, but if work are piling too much on it might help you to ask them to review your workload

You are in the very hardest years 😱 a baby and a toddler is such an intense and exhausting time. How long is your DH away for?

When he’s back, you need to allocate out some life admin jobs - who, when, how much

Keep it simple - fewer toys out (rotate), simple dinners (can you have your main meal at lunchtime), go to bed as early as you can (no phone, no reading, just lights out) - and when your DH is back take at least one weekend day completely off.

Nope, you're doing brilliantly.

Your relatives have either forgotten how hard it is, or worked fewer hours, or had a husband around, or some combination of these things.

I would say try not to work in the evenings, because something's got to give, and (ironically) try to get to sleep earlier because, annoying as it is, it will help you feel better. Would it work to have an admin night when you do nursery payments and food shopping, and try to keep the other evenings more free? Or shop at weekends.

Forget batch cooking etc. Meals that you can throw together in 20 mins are much more practical IMO. Eat more simply. Packets of mixed stir fry veg on noodles, pasta with cream cheese , pesto and veg, baked pieces of meat or fish with potato or chips. Instant packs of rice. It doesn't have to be A Recipe. As long as there's veg, carb and protein on the plate it's good enough. I used to give the kids easy dinner like beans on toast after nursery, as they had their main meal there, and just did a ready meal for myself some nights.

You have an awful lot on your plate, it sounds very hard.
The only things I would suggest would be to pack all the bags the night before and leave at the door.
Every time you cook do a double quantity and freeze half.
I agree with pp who suggested having the same meals on set days over the week. It is a bit boring but easy to shop and cook.
A slo cooker is fantastic at this stage.
We existed on mince and mash, spag bol, chicken casserole. Added beans to everything for extra protein. Don't add salt and you can blend a portion for the baby.
I used to chuck a bit of grated cheese on the mash.
Frozen veg.

You sound like superwoman! If i could pull off what you're doing, I would be chuffed to bits.

Ignore the awful disparaging comments.....especially when their circumstances don't match yours.

Have you got a link to the sleep training method you used?

Wow, you sound on the verge of complete burn out. I won’t write down what I would say to the people calling you lazy.

You're doing amazingly! Working full time and managing your children and household single-handedly is not easy.
You deserve a pat on the back (or a spa break) when your partner gets home. Those people who tell you they did it all are looking back through rose - tinted glasses to make themselves feel better. I can guarantee they didn't have it all together as well as they remember. And how dare they put you down. Having a toddler is hell!! I saw a meme saying how cleaning with a toddler is like raking leaves in a tornado ...so true! I can't get anything done with my toddler about. He is constantly at the baby no matter where I put her. And if not at the baby he's poking things out of cupboards/drawers. He got at the vinegar yesterday while I was attempting to tidy the kitchen and spilt it everywhere 💀 I've given up worrying about the house, I tell dh if he wants it tidy he needs to either take toddler out for a few hours so I can get something done or tidy up himself. He isn't long running for the hills if he's ever left at home alone with them!

You don't need to do it all. Do whatever makes life easiest for you. Kids don't get bathed every day, who cares. You eat a microwave ready meal for dinner, who cares. Not hoovered, not bothered. Your life is hard enough as it is without stressing yourself out trying to be perfect.

How long is he away for?

My DP goes away for two or three months at a time. He's at sea so unable to do all the admin side of things so I take everything on.

Although my children are older.
Routine is key,

Get nursery bags ready the night before if you can. And already have them in the car.

Don't worry about cleaning, lower your standards. And those with awful opinions tell them to either muck in or shut up!

You're doing amazing!

Can you afford to lower your hours? This is what made a difference for me, I dropped to 30 hours (though work nights so haven't really noticed the difference yet lol)

I do one load of laundry a day, dry it overnight and fold and put away in the morning before anyone wakes.

Packed lunches are made the night before too and kept in fridge.

It's tough mama. But as they get older it'll get easier!!

I always find it toughest when something goes wrong when he's away, in jan our poor dog got sick and has to be crated for 6 weeks, he hates it and cries and whines all night,

I'm exhausted. He's still crying. I've ended up crying.

You sound burnt out. Book a days annual leave. Put the children in nursery and go back to bed and eat crap and watch tv. Have a lovely relaxing bath and look after you for once!

1. Ignore the relatives and anyone who criticises your efforts. You are doing a great job!

1. Your husband working away - is this a regular Monday through Friday thing or what? Can he not deal with the life admin, online shopping etc from his hotel room in the evenings?

1. Cleaning: you need a cleaner! Also go as minimalist as possible so there's very little clutter.

1. Meals: have a fortnightly meal plan on rotation. This also simplifies shopping as you can order the same stuff from a preset shopping list.

1. Don't sweat the small stuff...

Two older female family members have told me they managed it all themselves and were fine, and that I just have to get on with it

^^

Did they work full time??

This is the key question. I would hazard a guess that the answer is no.
My MIL constantly criticised me for not organising my time. 3 dc, working 4 days a week, no help at all, DH working very long hours.
She, OTOH had one child, didn't work and paid 3 people to clean, cook and babysit. She was unable to see the difference in our circumstances.

Other than baby wakeups, what are you doing between 8.30pm and midnight/1am? Could you do meal prep/cleaning during that time or at least do the nursery bags and bottle washing etc so that the mornings aren't so rushed?

Or get a cleaner?

How long is DP away for? Get him to do the life admin stuff- if he's spending solitary nights away by himself surely he has time to do that.

PS you aren't failing, sounds like you are going great but need to delegate more!

I started a similar thread to this yesterday too (husband away, ft job etc) except that my children are that bit older (4 and 7). Honestly, reading your routine I feel like I have it easy in comparison. You are doing fantastically well. I hope you manage to squeeze in a well-deserved nap or two at the weekend!