To ask how on earth I can manage to get everything done?

[Mnk711]

DP away with work. I work full time (8.15-5pm) in a very busy job. Have 2 kids, 2yo and 7months old. I need advice on how to get everything done that's needed (and TBH also probably to be told I'm not completely useless as some family members make me feel). Routine is currently:

6/6.30am wake with baby, feed and change him
6.30am toddler up, get her breakfast and feed baby solids
7.20ish run round packing nursery bags, washing bottles etc
7.40 off to nursery
8 15 start work, finish 1700, leap in car to rush to nursery before it closes
1730 collect kids, breast feed baby (won't have much milk from bottle or cup at nursery so needs jmmediate feed)
1800ish arrive back home, try to cobble some kind of dinner together and get things ready for bedtime routine
1820ish eat dinner, feed baby and toddler
1845 bath both kids, bedtime routine with toddler, both into bed for around 7.30 but baby is clingy atm so need to stay with him.
7.30ish do a bit more work online, try to sort life admin like food shopping/delivery, sorting out insurance, paying nursery bills etc.
From 8.30ish onwards manage baby wakeups (still every 2h or less most nights!) and occasional toddler ones, sleep myself around midnight/1am

Weekends I have to get them out if the house early so they don't destroy it. So no chance to sort anything then either though usually manage to run round ramming washing into the machine and then the dryer so at least the kids have something to wear.

When do people get their meal prep done/cleaning sorted? I find it impossible to do this with the two little ones there as baby is often shoving dangerous things in his mouth or toddler is breaking things. I can't do it during weekdays as work is too busy. And at night I have to be in with the children.

Am i just being useless and inefficient? Two older female family members have told me they managed it all themselves and were fine, and that I just have to get on with it. (Which I largely do except cleaning which I struggle to fit in and view as the least important thing, providing the house isn’t a health hazard). They treat me as if I am lazy and useless. They seem to forget they weren't actually alone (plenty of childcare support/childminders etc, at least some help from husband and GPs, only worked part time etc). Maybe I am just lazy and useless. Help!

I think you’re doing absolutely amazingly and anyone who’s saying otherwise is being vey unfair. I think people tend to misremember how things were in the past, I bet they weren’t always as on top of everything as they’re making out.

With regards to things like meal prep/batch cooking, could you either make evening meals that could could make extra and freeze, or use a slow cooker on the weekend, just throw a few things in it in the morning before you go out with the kids then do the finishing touches in the evening and freeze it into portions? I’ve built up a decent supply of dinners in the freezer just by making extras of things like curry, chilli, bolognese, casseroles, cottage pie, lasagne.

It must be so hard to get anything done with two such small children, especially when one is still waking every 2 hours or so. I’d say to try to clean as you go - have the dishwasher empty before you start cooking (if you have one) or empty it as you’re cooking, so the plates can go straight in, hang up towels etc from bath time as soon as it’s done, put things away as you use them, but I know that’s easier said than done when you’re a) exhausted from working and looking after two very small children on your own and b) have said small children to watch on your own all the time.

It’s just a pity the family members you mentioned can’t climb off the pedestals that they’ve put themselves on and give you some help. Is there any way you could manage to get a cleaner?

The most important thing for now, however, is that your babies are fed, loved and clean and that you’re fed and clean and you get the 3 of you out in the mornings. Have enough washing done that you have things to wear and enough to eat. I’m so sorry to read how much you’re struggling though, you haven’t got it easy right now but I do think you’re doing a brilliant job and better than I could do!

I wouldn't recommend a mother sleep training her children who are 7 months and 2 years old while working full-time and at home alone.

Wow , you really have a lot going on.
As others have said , ignore family members.
Can your husband help remotely with admin ?
Cleaner ?
Honestly I'd go part time, do you even break even with two in childcare ?

How long does he work away for?

Is he hands on with the DC and re. household tasks when he’s not working away?

Why he can’t he manage some of the family life admin wherever he is?

I put up with DH working away during the week on and off for several years. He was off working abroad again several months after I had returned to work FT after Mat Leave after having DC2. DC1 was a lot older. The working abroad during the week had to come to an end after another several months, as I felt like a single parent and was burnt out. He needed to be around more to enable him to be an actual parent, as his Mon - Fri absence was having a negative effect on DC2. I gave him an ultimatum, which kicked his arse into gear into starting his own business in the same field. Over a decade later, he now only occasionally travels abroad for work for 1-2 days max.

Ignore them. You’re doing a great job under difficult circumstances, and I’m sure their set up was not the same as yours.

You need to be super organised and protective with your time. And preferably have a job/career that you can ignore outside of your working hours. And you need to buy in help, such as a Cleaner, Gardener, etc.

Would it not be more cost effective to employ a Nanny to look after the DC in your home, as opposed to forking out for exorbitant nursery fees?

Do as much online shopping as possible and cook in bulk where you can.

Don’t overwhelm the DC with too many toys all at once and teach them to tidy toys away at age appropriate milestones.

An 8.15am work start time is too early whilst juggling two very young DC alone. You should request flexible working hours, condense your working hours or reduce your working hours/go PT.

I currently work PT hours in a highly pressured sector. I’m only able to keep on top of my workload by occasionally working outside of my contracted hours. My choice, but not doing so is not an option as the repercussions would negatively affect vulnerable service users.

Be kind to yourself.

You're doing brilliantly. Ignore your relatives, they don't have a clue about the modern workplace, and have selective amnesia about how they coped.

I've been doing the same since becoming single when ds was 2 (13 years) and I was the same. The house was not very clean while ds was small, now he's a teen it's much cleaner because I have more time. I'm gradually working through jobs like decorating that were neglected before. The world hasn't ended. 🙂

I only had one. You've got two and are coping, sane and not glugging chardonnay at 8am so give yourself a lot more credit.

My life feels this busy but I have only one toddler, who sleeps, a husband at home to split it with, just 37.5 hours work, no commute and wfh so can get washing done during the day. We're still always behind on cleaning. I think what you're doing is quite miraculous.

I do find I get in a mental busy trap when work is full on, running from work to chores to dc to sleep to work and I lose my skill to prioritise. I think you have to limit things by hours- rather than working in evenings can you eg explain to boss that you prioritised abc and xyz will have to wait? Can you schedule an evening cut off time after which no more chores/work/admin are done? Can you schedule some relaxing "tasks" say every other evening eg bath/yoga video/tv programme/call a friend- so you're building in time where you will wind down a bit to stop that constant busy momentum? All these are what I think I should do when I have time to reflect at 2am, not what I actually manage to do!

You're doing a huge huge amount and anyone who can't see that doesn't deserve your precious time and attention.

I think the odd days annual leave suggested above is a great idea too and am following for more tips.

You sound as though you are doing a great job.
I will probably be flamed for this as they seem to be out of favour but have you considered getting a large playpen? You could then meal prep. etc. without worrying about what the children are getting into. My sister found hers a Godsend as she could keep her son in sight and earshot and do things such as have a leisurely bath. My nephew was quite happy in there with soft toys and books.

I forgot to add:
We have 3 DC now. I’m contracted to work around school hours. I WFH most days and I have a weekly day off. This was not the case when DH was working abroad Mon - Fri. I was working FT and then eventually 3 days pw back then whilst doing both ends of the nursery run and the school PM run. DH was able to do the AM school run once he stopped working on contracts abroad (well before DC3 arrived). He did most of the AM nursery and then school runs when I was on Mat Leave so I could get a little more sleep. There’s no need to for a post partum Mother to unnecessarily drag themselves out of bed to get themselves and baby ready and out the door early on disrupted sleep, when Dad has to get up for work anyway and will be driving past the nursery/school on the way to work.

You also have to learn how to be selfish sometimes. Say no to socialising with family and friends if you’re too tired and it doesn’t benefit you and try to carve out ‘me-time’ wherever possible.

Go for park walks alone, cinema alone, read for pleasure, start or reestablish a hobby, join a gym, etc. Do whatever you enjoy and makes you feel good. Meet up with friends for coffee, with and without the kids in tow.

Most 7 month and 2 year olds don’t have 2 full time working parents. You’re finding it hard because it is hard.

It sounds like you’re doing everything that needs doing, but you don’t need to be doing everything you are doing - stop doing extra work in the evenings.

Everyone fed, nobody dead 👍🏻

Clean, fed and nobody dead? The. You've nailed the day and should rejoice in your achievements

I have been where you are now and it was very very tough. I didn't get any cleaning done - that waited until there was someone else to either do the cleaning or take the children. And that is absolutely fine - your house won't be too dirty or messy because you and the kids are never in it!

Difficult as it it, try to ignore the people in your life that seem to delight in putting you down. I had one of those too - my mother - who used to ask me why on earth I couldn't clean/tidy/complete some amazing achievement "once the children are in bed". Because I am in bed when they're in bed - when you deal with 2/3 night wakings every night for 10+ years you have to go to bed when they do! Grrrr.

Hold your head high lovely lady. You're doing an amazing job in very very challenging circumstances. It will feel endless, but it will also pass, I promise.

And the juggling is obviously even more challenging when you add breastfeeding, velcro babies, colicy babies, grizzly babies, the potty training stage and toddlers who refuse to take naps in the day and/or struggle to settle at night.

Yes, it will pass.

Your relatives are awful - don’t let them in the house if they are going to judge. I would skip some of the bath times to reduce some of the workload. Beyond washing up once a day, forget cleaning.

You sound amazing. I'd be giving your self a mental appreciation party. Can you do anything to make your life easier? Reduce your hours at work? If you worked four days you could use the extra day to catch up on jobs /chill out. Hire a cleaner? Family help on a weekend?
When is your husband home is it regular or sporadic?
It will get easier as baby gets older but stop beating yourself up this is a lot all on your plate. Alongside sleep deprivation, which is a form of torture. Take any help you can.

Nursery bag packed the night before and by the front door ready to go
Clothes all laid out
Meal plan and get shopping delivered to you
cleaner

All of this. You're doing great, it's HARD.

And I'd be willing to bet that those telling you how easy it was for them have forgotten how hard it is. They also probably didn't work FT and definitely weren't going back to work once their kids were in bed. The world has changed in the last 30 years.

Declutter and get rid of stuff when husband is there. If you can afford it get a cleaner. Oven meals (fish and veg). Sleep as much as you can. It makes everything better.

@ButtonMoon5
It's this book. I don't follow strictly but for the most part it works really well. LG goes down by 7pm awake and is asleep within 10-20 mins, no tears, and then sleeps through till I wake her at 7am. Teething/ illness etc can disrupt it but I think extra cuddles are to be expected then anyway

The Sensational Baby Sleep Plan: a practical guide to sleep-rich and stress-free parenting from recognised sleep guru Alison Scott-Wright amzn.eu/d/iXgwtDd

@EarthaKittsVoice
Thats why I said if she has the strength, 2 nights in and she could have them sleeping longer stretches, if not through the night. It would help give her a bit of respite in the evenings. Could possibly do it when dad is home so she has the support. Granted it's not for everyone, some parents are happy to wake through the night to tend to the kids until they naturally grow out of it and that is their choice. I personally am a better mum if i've had my rest and i've found baby to be happier now she's well rested too. Just sounds like this mama needs a little more time for herself.

@lbf123 Thank you so much!

You are doing amazing. It is so hard with little ones. I struggled with work and a similar age gap when mine were young and I had my husband helping.

Don't let the family members put you down. Ignore them. Who cares what they did.
As long as your children are happy and healthy it doesn't matter what they think

Firstly, you are not lazy and useless atall, far from it.

Looking at your routine, I would suggest getting up at 6am every day so you can be a bit ahead of yourself with bottles etc. and try to have 10 min just for yourself to drink a hot cup of tea while listening to a podcast or something. Pack the nursery bags as much as you can the night before. In the morning put on one small load of washing and do a quick sweep/hoover of the main living area.

Have a shopping list saved for your online shop to make it as quick as possible and DH does the other life admin. Try not to do more work at this time. Do dishes, wipe down counters and quick tidy up of living room. Quick clean/tidy of bathroom. Then get to bed as early as you can 10pm latest.

On a Saturday can you put the toddler in a play pen and baby in a sling and get your cleaning/beds changed done. Just focus on the kitchen and bathroom being clean and whatever else you can do. Repeat this on a Sunday to get meal prep done. On a Saturday night once the DC are in bed do something you really enjoy for yourself.

You are doing an amazing job. Honestly you sound like superwoman. I have 1 child who slept through the night from 3 months old and my husband did all the life admin. AND…..I still found it hard. It is hard. It’s constant and draining.

you need to carve out time for you or you will burnout. What I found helped (other than sleeping and having a husband that did all the life admin): got nursery to feed dinner before I did the pick up, did not do daily baths for the baby (dropped to 2-3 times a week), let the house get messy, there were days I bought cheap underwear/babygros etc from the supermarket as I hadn’t got round to washing, didn’t feel guilty or beat myself up about taking shortcuts / not being perfect, took 30 mins a day to sit, have a treat and read a book.

acknowledge how well you’ve done and think about where you can make small changes in your routine that will give you some time back

Are you paid to work in the evenings? If not I think you need to not do the extra hour or so then, and it would free up a little time to prep for the next day. (Nursery bags/bottles/breakfast prepped and evening meal planned). Having everything ready for the next day will make it 100x easier.
And tell those who are mouthing off to f off. You are doing a great job and it's not easy. Be kind to yourself.

That’s full on. Is there any way to cut out the evening working? Paired with the night wake ups I’d be worried you’ll make yourself ill.

You work full time with very young kids. It will be hard. Right now as long as everyone is fed and clean, that will do. I'd consider getting a playpen so you have somewhere safe to put 7 month old and 2 year old can be distracted with tv so you csn do a quick tidy up. The time for batch cooking would have been before he went away for work. If you can call on anyone for help I would. I'd keep meals as simple as possible for now and do things like packing nursery bags at night.

Longterm I'd speak to your dh because if his working away doesn't work for your family then he needs to look for a new job. If he gets notice before he has to work away then signing up to a meal subscription service like hello fresh might help, outsource laundry or get a cleaner in once a week. Ultimately you need to be kinder to yourself, you are working full time with very young children and it is hard.

That sounds hard work. Firstly the assumption that woman can 'have it all' is false. The pressure you must be under must be immense. Is there any way you can cut your hours down? Secondly, some life hacks I used - slow cooker meals or frozen meals that can be cooked from frozen. All lunches bottles, bags prepared before going to bed at night, delegating some of the admin to DH. Also ring your health visitor for dlerp advice - it must be very hard to function on such broken sleep.
I hope things improve soon x