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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Those friends you sort of feel you need to prove something to

53 replies

WhathappenedtoLeo · 01/02/2024 22:04

Anyone have one of those or felt the same way?

I’m so not a competitive person, always happy for other people/friends and am happy and content with my own life.

However, I have one old friend, who I don’t see v often as she moved back home from where we were living and for some reason, I want her to notice my lovely pics, friends, life, child etc…when really I’ve never felt like this before with anyone.
She was a good friend but did give out an underlying feeling of being above you (other friends have said the same)
Shes very beautiful, high up in her job now…all great, I honestly, genuinely have never felt any jealousy about her etc

So what is this all about? This almost wanting to have her feeling envious of my life.
She hasn’t been the greatest of friends to me in the last few years and I definitely feel it became very unbalanced and I was a better friend to her, does it come from
this? I generally accept friendships move on naturally sometimes and am ok with this and have a lovely group of pals
Why am I trying to prove something to her?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhathappenedtoLeo · 01/02/2024 22:07

*She was a good friend until the last few years

No jealousy about her beauty, my best childhood friend was/is stunning and a couple of my friends now are real beauties. Lots of my pals more successful, money, lovely families and so on.

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Animatedapple · 01/02/2024 22:15

Strange but I guess she doesn’t bring out the best in you. These competitive feelings of wishing to impress are not a strength. In fact, I would say they are a weakness.

Maybe you don’t feel very acknowledged by her?

Original poster
WhathappenedtoLeo · 01/02/2024 22:21

@Animatedapple Yes it’s definitely not a strength and not the way I usually am or have been
Ive distanced myself a lot as it doesn’t feel like a positive situation to be in, but it’s perplexing to me why I feel/act like this

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Legorocks · 01/02/2024 23:07

I’ve had the feeling fishing for someone to notice and maybe even ‘approve’ but not wanting of them to be envious… (in my memory)
though even wanting approval or attention doesnt feel good imo….

just ideas
It sounds like you feel competitive with them in some way? Even if you don’t normally.
I’m not sure whether you had pulled back from the relationship… in which case - old power struggles?

or whether they have and you’re feeling a little insecure, or based on the history?

It doesn’t sound like you think highly/affectionately of them though from my reading ur post and normally people will pick up those vibes

Just theories though, I’m sure someone will come along who knows more about psychology than me. I feel like a lot depends on the context and history

honest post

BenjaminBunnyRabbit · 01/02/2024 23:15

At some level something about her is tapping into your subonscious that you are not good enough. Have you ever had this before? Perhaps she subconsciously reminds you of someone who wasn't very nice to you?

I've been in your friend's position though. People perceive me as a being a bit posh and thinking I'm a bit above everyone else. I'm not. I'm just not 'one of the girls'. As a consequence, I always come up against competitive types who just aren't very nice to me. The reality is, I struggle with social interaction and feel a bit misunderstood. People rarely know the 'real me'. Don't assume you know what's going on with her.

Original poster
WhathappenedtoLeo · 01/02/2024 23:15

@Legorocks Your post is honest or mine? Sorry not sure which one you meant

Yes, maybe it is for approval, I’m not sure though and not sure why I’m even bothered

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innerdesign · 01/02/2024 23:17

Is she competitive or a bit of a show off? Even in a sneaky way? Sounds like she might be if she acts above you. I used to have a 'friend' like this, it messes with your self-esteem. She'd put me down, but in a clever way that meant she could act innocent if anyone pulled her up on it. Everything she did or had was better than me (to make it worse we're in the same profession, so any little opportunity or promotion was lorded over me). Eventually, I got engaged and she didn't like it and cut me out. Best thing that ever happened to me. It's just a toxic friendship, but I get that it's hard to get out of that. It still took me months (maybe into years!) to stop posting Instagram stories hoping she'd watch them etc. I get you OP

Legorocks · 01/02/2024 23:19

I meant that your post is honest

Namechange1267 · 01/02/2024 23:20

I do this with people I put on a pedestal, people I think have it all together, super nice, beautiful and I want to hate them but I can't

A few years back I learnt I was this person to someone else and it blew my mind!

For me it’s that envious side that I think they are perfect, annoyingly perfect

Original poster
WhathappenedtoLeo · 01/02/2024 23:25

@innerdesign Yes, I’m thinking she is like this, but on one side, she’s very caring etc, so also hides it very well. I also worked with her and she had to be the best there. When she left, she said to me that if I never needed a job, she’d hire me, it was said as if she was doing me a favour, that perhaps I wouldn’t be hired. We’re in exactly the same profession and same level, but it was as though she thought she was higher than me? Just very patronising
It’s a strange feeling, I want her to see my stories and so on too and just to see how good things are for me. This is embarrassing to me though! Perhaps it did dent my self esteem? She was also always so brilliant at being there when things were crap in my life, not as great when things were going brilliantly and successes were happening

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Original poster
WhathappenedtoLeo · 01/02/2024 23:26

@Legorocks Ahh ok, bit embarrassing really, but I would like to understand why I feel like this and to basically not care anymore

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BenjaminBunnyRabbit · 01/02/2024 23:27

Well, it doesn't sound like you like her very much!

Perhaps just cut contact? Problem solved.

Original poster
WhathappenedtoLeo · 01/02/2024 23:29

@Namechange1267 Ahh no, it’s not that for me, I’ve had enough friends who are beautiful, talented, nice family etc to know that things are never perfect for anyone and often not what they may appear. I’ve not been jealous of people before because I’ve had this in mind

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Original poster
WhathappenedtoLeo · 01/02/2024 23:30

@BenjaminBunnyRabbit She was one of the best friends I had. I have mainly cut contact now, but curious as to why I still feel that need to impress/make her jealous

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innerdesign · 01/02/2024 23:33

WhathappenedtoLeo · 01/02/2024 23:30

@BenjaminBunnyRabbit She was one of the best friends I had. I have mainly cut contact now, but curious as to why I still feel that need to impress/make her jealous

This sounds so familiar to me. It's kinda like with an ex, you want them to know you're happy and doing well without them, that you don't need them, and that things are going great for you. Hard relate to her being there to get all the juicy goss when you're having a tough time!

Cantrushart · 01/02/2024 23:39

I've had a few friends who I've liked, but i haven't like the person that I became when I was with them. I tended to avoid them on that basis. I suppose the more evolved approach would be to work on my insecurities and whatever, but life's too short. It's easier to find people who bring out the best in me.

Original poster
WhathappenedtoLeo · 01/02/2024 23:40

@innerdesign Yes, that’s exactly it. How long did it take you to let go of thinking in that way? How did you get rid of it?
Do you still have contact?
I don’t think she liked to see me doing badly as she has a very caring side, I don’t know, maybe she just likes/needs to be the happy/successful one in her friendships and when the friend is doing well, she can’t cope with it

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Original poster
WhathappenedtoLeo · 01/02/2024 23:41

@Cantrushart But was it them and the way they were acting that made you feel that way or something inside you?

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BenjaminBunnyRabbit · 01/02/2024 23:42

It's a bit of a waste of your energy. I doubt you will ever work out what is going on so there's not much point in obsessing over it.

When friendships stop working or people make you feel rubbish about yourself it's time to move on.

Legorocks · 01/02/2024 23:43

something that confuses me bit about your issue is that it sounds like you brought the relationship to an end or stepped away quite intentionally but now want her attention back….? Are you sure you’re not (unintentionally) playing games with her?
from your description of her she sounds like she has flaws but also sounds rather unaware rather than manipulative (albeit there’s prob a lot more missing to the story than you’re able to shared)

Boobettes · 01/02/2024 23:44

It sounds as though you're seeking her approval.

Probably because you see what she has as a life goal?

Original poster
WhathappenedtoLeo · 01/02/2024 23:48

@Boobettes No, I don’t want what she has though or her life, it’s not about that
I genuinely wouldn’t want to be her or to swap lives

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Original poster
WhathappenedtoLeo · 01/02/2024 23:49

@Legorocks No, I’ve just put distance between us, I don’t want her attention, but if being completely honest, I want her to feel envy when seeing my life

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Original poster
WhathappenedtoLeo · 01/02/2024 23:50

At least I think it’s that!

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FourLeggedBuckers · 01/02/2024 23:50

Sometimes friendships devolve into weird, competitive dynamics. I’ve been in similar situations. Sometimes it’s a trigger to look at your own life and make changes, sometimes it’s a trigger to move on from that friendship (or step back from it).