Those friends you sort of feel you need to prove something to

[WhathappenedtoLeo]

Anyone have one of those or felt the same way?

I’m so not a competitive person, always happy for other people/friends and am happy and content with my own life.

However, I have one old friend, who I don’t see v often as she moved back home from where we were living and for some reason, I want her to notice my lovely pics, friends, life, child etc…when really I’ve never felt like this before with anyone.
She was a good friend but did give out an underlying feeling of being above you (other friends have said the same)
Shes very beautiful, high up in her job now…all great, I honestly, genuinely have never felt any jealousy about her etc

So what is this all about? This almost wanting to have her feeling envious of my life.
She hasn’t been the greatest of friends to me in the last few years and I definitely feel it became very unbalanced and I was a better friend to her, does it come from
this? I generally accept friendships move on naturally sometimes and am ok with this and have a lovely group of pals
Why am I trying to prove something to her?

You were obviously hurt by how she treated you in your friendship and want to prove that she’s wrong. I suppose it’s coming from her being an important person in your life (one of your best friends) and that you value her opinion.

Maybe you need to find obvious flaws in her personality and then you won’t care so much about her views?

Well it's been about two years since we last spoke, and it's only in the past few months that I feel at peace with it all. I'm going to be really honest and say I still feel that urge to check her stories etc, but it's lessening. I had a friend like this previously, to a lesser extent, and ten years later I feel no competitiveness at all. We're distant but on good terms if we do speak. Time is a great healer, as they say. You just need to focus on yourself. If it helps, stop uploading anything to Instagram. If the only reason you're doing it is so she sees it, stop. Or block her from seeing your stories, then it stops you having that motivation, and anything you put up is truly because you want to.

I believe you when you say it's not jealousy. That's too simplistic

Maybe it is to do with left over feelings from your past, and how you were feeling about yourself at a certain stage, and you somehow connect them to her.
Maybe those feelings subconsciously return through interaction with her now, but it's not something that you can rationally understand or control easily.
I'd perhaps liken it to seeing an ex partner or even the sensation you sometimes get as an adult, anxious about telling your parents something, whereas you wouldn't think about it if it were anyone else.

I wouldn't know how to control it, perhaps recognising it, as you are trying to do will help.
I might have a similar thing.
When my children were little I had a friend with kids of a similar age, as part of a wider group of mums. I still know them now.

I couldn't deal with her for a while I was going through some personal issues. I was mistrusting because of how she spoke about others and the opinions she would voice. I kept her at arm's length during those years because I didn't have the energy to stop myself feeling bad about myself when she was there.
As I grew stronger, and worked through the difficulties I was having I was able to reduce that sense of anxiety I had around her. I literally wasn't caring anymore about her opinion. I believe that I had latched on to a negativity about myself that resurfaced in her presence for a few years.
Now thankfully it's almost gone😊

Maybe somewhere deep down she brings out a feeling of insecurity in you, for whatever reason, and not something you can pinpoint.
I think you'll find that it slowly goes away of its own accord, especially because you are conscious of it.

You want her to feel envy as deep down you envy her and feel she’s doing well, so it’s being competitive. Very sad/

You sound under-confident about her - do you feel she talks negatively about you behind your back?
Concentrate on your own happiness - comparison is the thief of joy…

@Jf20 No, it’s not that at all, I don’t envy her at all, it’s not a life I’d choose, the place she lives in isn’t as beautiful as where she was and her family/work situation is the opposite of what I’d want. I’d be honest here (as I have with everything else I’ve said!) and admit if I was envious/jealous

@itchyjumper Yes possibly, I was a different person when I knew her really well, things weren’t great for me, whereas now things are completely different. I have the child I so desperately wanted, live in a beautiful place, have a much wider social circle of amazing, supportive pals, work nowhere near as many hours in the stressful job I was previously in

I think a comment like that would make most of us feel rather awkward at least - I can see how you feel you need to show her that you don’t need her to hire you. She was very patronising- possibly not meant like that, but that’s how it would inevitably come across as you were working at the same level.

No because then they wouldn't be friends

It sounds to me like as you’ve now got what you’ve wanted and are in a good place you want her to see it and somehow maybe feel the image she had of you in the past is wrong?
in terms of combating this instinct to make her jealous (if that’s what you want I think?) I’d say focus on seeing her as a whole person with their own weaknesses and strengths. Wanting someone to be envious is like making them a character in our story rather than witnessing their own life.

your post reminds me of something that happened to me - also a colleague - but a v long time ago. They distanced from me - somewhat self righteously tbh - as if I’d know what I’d done (I didn’t but I was devastated) and then came back into my orbit a bit later. I misread it as trying to rekindle but realised they just wanted to show off how great their life was without me. It was a head f**k! Luckily they left that industry a bit later and we don’t cross paths anymore.
the things you describe sound like they could mean she was arrogant but also could be someone just making a blunder - I’d probably challenge it or make a joke in the moment. A persistent looking down is different though I guess.

@Maray1967 Yes it was said in a really patronising way as if ‘Well I’d hire you’ (as if others wouldn’t) She also told me there would be lots of positions for a position lower than ours (an assistant role)
We had exactly the same role, in fact I had more years experience 🤷🏻‍♀️
She’s a much more ambitious person that me in that respect though and has gone on to work in a higher position with more pat and more responsibility, which she talks about a lot and is great for her. I’ve gone in the opposite direction and make my own hours now and have considerably cut down my hours and responsibilities/stress to enjoy a better quality of life and time with my dc, which is what I always wanted

@Springdewdahlia Yes you might be right, I don’t know whether to just unfriend on Sm etc and just move on with life

Probably a bit of both. Too hard to separate the causes. It was easier for me to just avoid the situation. That's fine if you have plenty of other people who enable you to be the person that you want to be.

You've admitted yourself that she is powering on with her career while you've cut your hours and reduced your responsibility. You're not on the same path and that's okay.

The "I'd hire you" and "There'll always be assistant roles" were probably meant from a place of kindness rather than a definitive "I will offer you a job when I'm CEO and you're a minion" and "You're only deserving of being a lowly assistant". When did she say this? Were you struggling to find a job at the time?

I think you've made your decision but you're a bit paranoid that you are somehow more lowly in comparison to this friend. I think whatever she says now in relation to the job situation you're going to find fault.

@BenjaminBunnyRabbit It was after I’d been made redundant from where we’d both worked (she left not long before)

It might not be the most sensitive way to put it but IT IS the sort of thing you say to someone after they've been made redundant.

You need to stop overthinking.

I read these posts and always feel like I’m missing something.

I imagine a woman who’s made choices, worked hard to achieve what she deems success, is confident, comfortable and self-assured. None of this is a bad thing.
also see nothing that suggests she’s lauding anything over anyone, just living comfortably in the life she’s created/acquired.

We can’t all be her, but that doesn’t make her a bad person. She likely said she’d employ you because she recognises your value, not because she thinks you couldn’t get a job on your own. Isn’t this what’s called networking and getting the best people /pulling each other up?

Now you’ve achieved what you deem success, you want her to acknowledge you. Isn’t that you doing what you think she has been doing? Just let her be and find a way to enjoy your success without validation. That way lies freedom.

@Dweetfidilove also see nothing that suggests she’s lauding anything over anyone

Do you mean 'lording'? I mean, OP knows her and you don't, so I'd probably take OP's word for it... OP is saying herself she doesn't understand why she feels this way and is trying to stop, coming onto a thread and making her feel worse doesn't help.

@innerdesign Thank you

@Dweetfidilove I don’t think you’re understanding what I’m saying

@BenjaminBunnyRabbit Yes possibly overthinking a bit, but she has been like that with others too and always had to be the best at work etc. Always there when things were crap, which is nice, but, never acknowledging happy times, I always sensed jealousy

Youre right I don’t know her. As I said- I see nothing in what the OP has written that says she’s a wrong one. Having a different perspective doesn’t mean I’m trying to make the OP feel worse, as I said - I may be missing something- possibly the not knowing this person as well as OP does 🤷🏽‍♀️

Possibly. I did say I may be missing something. Hopefully you can work this out or disengage from her.

If this was something that happened to you every time you met a pretty, capable colleague, then I would say that it was coming from you.

however, you’ve pointed out that you don’t have these feelings with other equally beautiful, successful people who should attract higher levels of envy.

I think this tells you that she is the problem. She is obviously good at hiding her competitive streak, but she sounds like someone who is very subtly and imperceptibly ’negging’ you.

I’ve had this before many years ago (late teens) with a friend who just made me feel a bit shit about myself - even though there was nothing concrete she said or anything I could put my finger on. Always giving me the feeling that she was better/cooler. We drifted apart, but years later I met her and saw how she is riddled with insecurity, and she is still the same! Have gone through 25 years of not seeing her with no similar feelings towards anyone else!