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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have the in laws staying .....

63 replies

tryingforbaba · 01/02/2024 20:54

We live abroad and my in laws have booked a trip to come and stay with us in august.

We have a 3 bed house (master bed which is ours, our daughters room and a box room with bunk beds)

My in-laws are in their 70s so when they've stayed before we give up our room and sleep in the bunks. No probs at all. This is what we were going to do in aug.

I have recently found out I am pregnant though and will be due 1st October , meaning I'll be 8 months pregnant when they come.

I raised it with partner today and said they need to get a hotel nearby because I don't want to be crammed into a bunk bed at 8 months pregnant and not to mention how nesty and private I'll be feeling at that point. And the possibility I could even go into labour with them here is unthinkable tbh.

He said IABU because they simply can't afford a hotel.

Am I being out of order?!

OP posts:
Original poster
tryingforbaba · 01/02/2024 20:55

Title should say "AIBU... To not want in laws staying"

OP posts:
Original poster
tryingforbaba · 01/02/2024 20:56

Also I forgot to mention, the box room will be the new baby's room and I'll want to be starting to get that ready. The plan is the get the bunks out and replace with baby stuff....

I don't want to wait until 8 months to start doing this.

OP posts:
Josette77 · 01/02/2024 20:57

That's tricky since they've already booked.

Can they stay in your DD's room?

heldinadream · 01/02/2024 20:59

No you're not being unreasonable at all! Could you afford to pay for a hotel or guest house for them, or make a largish contribution to it?
Or could the dates of their trip be changed to five months or so earlier? Or later?
There must be some alternative to the current plan.
Congratulations OP.

chantelion · 01/02/2024 21:00

Your dh should pay for the hotel then. They have already booked and planned and can't magic up money. Our dps live abroad and it would be rude to expect them to stay in a hotel. If it was a situation like yours then we would pay. Can they use your dd room, she sleep with you and dh on the couch?

Pupupaway · 01/02/2024 21:03

How long are they staying or OP? @tryingforbaba

PillowRest · 01/02/2024 21:03

Another option is to keep the 2 mattresses until after they visit, lay them out in the living room each night and put them on their sides in the box room each day whilst they're here.
And have the agreement that if baby arrives whilst they're here that when you come home you'll need privacy so in that situation your husband books them a b and b

Shinyandnew1 · 01/02/2024 21:06

Can you empty the bunk bed room and either put the existing mattress on the floor or buy a double airbed for that room. If it’s not big enough, on the lounge floor?

SheilaFentiman · 01/02/2024 21:08

Yanbu of course, but thinking caps needed for solutions. firstly, if you can afford to cover hotel or Airbnb, do that.

secondly, might there be any friends who wouldn’t mind the parents in their spare room OR are away and wouldn’t mind house sitters OR having your DD to stay so that your DH takes the top bunk, his FIL the bottom
and MIL has DD’s bed.

Or used there room to squeeze the bunk beds into your DD’s room so she and your DH sleep on them and you sleep in her bed?

Tourmalines · 01/02/2024 21:08

Yes , you are being unreasonable. You just dont want them there . I think you are mean .

ItsADoggieDogWorld · 01/02/2024 21:11

Tourmalines · 01/02/2024 21:08

Yes , you are being unreasonable. You just dont want them there . I think you are mean .

And you're ridiculous. So you tell us all, what should she do?

LoveFridayNights · 01/02/2024 21:12

One Mattress from baby's room in your daughter's room, one on the floor in the baby's room. You sleep in daughter's bed, daughter on the floor in her room and husband in the new baby's room (which you can still decorate).

Or husband and daughter in the bunk beds as really you don't need the baby's room for another 6 months.

It does feel a bit as if you don't want them there. I worked until a week before both babies. Guests aren't that much of a big deal. You aren't ill, just pregnant.

thinkfast · 01/02/2024 21:12

Just manage their expectations OP you won't be giving up your room this august because you'll be heavily pregnant. They will have to make do with your daughter's room on this occasion.

Crispsandcola · 01/02/2024 21:13

Definitely not being unreasonable. It's your house and I think you've been very kind and understanding to have given up your privacy and personal space in the past. If they can't afford a hotel then they must surely have an option to rearrange their flight for an earlier date or possibly get a refund?

SarahAndQuack · 01/02/2024 21:18

It's just one of those things, surely? If you can sort it out - eg., if they can stay in your DD's room, or if you can afford a hotel/find a mate who'll put them up - that's great. But if not, and you're 8 months pregnant and not ok in a bunk bed, then that's how it is. It's not a planned event, any more than it would be if their flight were cancelled.

I think you need to go back to your DP and point out that his (TBH, natural) instinct to think nothing will change with your pregnancy is actually a bit daft. If his parents are decent people they'll be delighted with the idea of a new grandchild, and if they're fed up about missing out on a trip/having to cope with an improvised sleeping situation, they'll keep their moans to themselves.

FWIW my parents are in their 70s and, while they have many faults, in this scenario they'd be only too quick to insist on sleeping on a mattress on the floor.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 01/02/2024 21:18

I think you need to come up with a better plan for hosting the in-laws long term so you don't have this problem. Can you fit two singles in DD's room with enough space to get around them? If so, get her a bed with a trundle bed that pulls out from underneath. You can get ones with fold out legs so they are normal size single beds when they're out, but then just hide away under the other bed when not in use. So then the in laws get twin beds in DD's room, and she moves into the box room or comes in with you while DH takes the box room. Either way you are 8 months pregnant and sleeping in your own bed, and in laws are still welcome.

Tourmalines · 01/02/2024 21:18

ItsADoggieDogWorld · 01/02/2024 21:11

And you're ridiculous. So you tell us all, what should she do?

Show quote history

No I’m not , and surely she could work it out .

mnahmnah · 01/02/2024 21:21

Can they change their flights to after baby is born? Soften the blow with them meeting their new grandchild instead of coming before

TheChosenTwo · 01/02/2024 21:24

Bottom bunk, you’d have more space in there than in your normal bed shared with dh I think? Mind you mine is a king not super king, suppose it depends on your bed size but being heavily pregnant in a single bed doesn’t sound like much more of a squeeze than being heavily pregnant in a double shared with another person and plenty of people do that!
Not ideal timing but I don’t think now that they’ve booked the flights that it’s fair to say you can’t have them to stay really.

SarahAndQuack · 01/02/2024 21:25

Tourmalines · 01/02/2024 21:18

No I’m not , and surely she could work it out .

Show quote history

Why is it her job to work it out? Surely that's between her partner and his parents?

And actually, no, not everyone has a magic Mary Poppins home. It may be the in-laws can be accommodated, but it's not that unusual to have a house where only one room is big enough for a double bed; it's possible her in-laws actually can't sleep on the floor/aren't mobile enough to use bunks. If so, that's unfortunate, but it doesn't make it her fault. It's just one of those things.

Thedance · 01/02/2024 21:25

Can't you sleep in your daughter's room and your husband and daughter can sleep in the bunk beds?
You don't need to do.anythng to sort the babies out for ages. Presumably the baby will be with you for at least 6!months so no reason to sort it out yet.

NanooCov · 01/02/2024 21:25

Assuming you will at some point in the future tolerate/want them to visit again (post baby), it's probably an opportunity to think about longer term solutions. If they can't afford a hotel this time I guess that will be the case in the future?

Our house has no spare room so when anybody comes to stay (in laws, my parents, aunts and uncles etc) my boys (who share a room with two singles in) come in our room on a plug in inflatable double mattress and guests have their room. It's not ideal but manageable.

Could your daughter come in with you on a blow up bed on the floor and guests have her room (with an extra blow up / camp bed if required)?

Tinkerbyebye · 01/02/2024 21:27

Yes YABU. Options could be

1, you give up your room, you sleep in your child’s room with them, your dh sleeps on the sofa
2, you get air beds for child and husband and you have child’s bed, or get a bed with one underneath, it’s will come in useful for when the child has sleepovers anyway
3, you pay for a hotel for them, or air BnB and they just sleep there
4, you see if they can move flights to after the baby is born
5; get a large air mattress and his parents sleep there

Justleaveitblankthen · 01/02/2024 21:34

I do think it comes across as you simply don't want them there to be honest.

I shared my old childhood single bed with my ex at 9 months pregnant 😂 (circumstancial- we lived abroad and came back for the birth)

It's fine to want your space as you nest though.

couiza · 01/02/2024 21:34

No you are not BU. You will be heavily pregnant, probably tired, and I wouldn't want to be in a position of hosting at that time AT ALL.

Surely if they know about your circumstances they would offer to stay elsewhere themselves. Honestly I just cannot understand people who just brush away anything like this and make no effort to be reasonable themselves!

Perhaps they intend to "help" you. OMG, that would be just a pain all round. And why would they not understand that the sleeping arrangements are just not practical? Unless it is a cultural expectation that family stays with family no ifs or buts. Is that the case? If so, then DP takes over everything for you. If not, pay for a hotel for them and see them as often as possible. They shouldn't be put out by that arrangement surely?

What am I missing here?

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