Partner never satisfied

[AD0808]

AIBU to have given up trying to make my partner of 20yrs happy?
For 20 years my partner has had the freedom to do as he wishes in his work life, private life (No other women) he has had countless hobbies, work trips, spent “his” money how he sees fit we’ve always had separate finances. He’s never offered to help around “his” house or help with the kids. Now don’t get me wrong Iv asked for help, asked for support, he helped financially but only to the point where the bills were paid, with a small contribution from me. Whilst the kids were small I had very little for myself so I kept myself busy with the house and taking care of the kids but it still caused a lot of resentment on my side especially as I worked PT too. Now the kids are older he is feeling the resentment as I don’t put any effort in to our relationship any more. I now have a decent income working FT & I can plan things for myself & kids (girly holidays, trips, days out) and not feel guilty, but my god is it effecting his self esteem. He is never happy. He tells me I’m gaining weight so I start going to the gym regularly (fitting it in around the kids clubs), he’s not happy I’m not at home every night spending time with him, I ask him to accompany me on dog walks everyday/evening but he won’t come so i stopped asking, i ask him to go for days out with us but his hobbies take priority so I stopped asking, I don’t cook 7 days a week anymore, yet it’s my privilege to cook for him as I don’t contribute as much money in to the bills as he does (I pay slightly less than a 1/3 of my wages Due to all the other “jobs” I do around the house and he pays a 1/3. Iv offered to up my payments and he takes on half of everything I do but he wouldn’t even discuss it. It doesn’t matter what I suggest he is never happy. The kids are older now and don’t need him as much and I feel as though he is lonely but he won’t do anything about it. He expects us all to drop our plans if his hobby falls through (weather dependent) and spend time with him but that makes him even more miserable and ruins our weekend because it’s obvious he’d rather be else where. Iv considered leaving but the house and savings are in his name and unless he makes me homeless (which he won’t do) I can’t afford to private rent and won’t get support from the council.

So you’re not married and your name isn’t on the deeds to the house?

No, he wouldn’t marry and everything is in his name

Two problems there

1. You're married to/ living with (sorry, I did read 'partner') a dick
2. You've started to become independent and he doesn't like it. Solution: Keep going. Ignore his moaning. Eventually, you'll be ready to move on. Check out and improve your financial arrangements - sounds as if he's been taking advantage of you for years.

So, pretend to work on your relationship, get married then leave him. Start siphoning money to go into your own savings too. Maybe I'm sneaky but get your ducks in a row then leave him.

He is totally against marriage. I even suggested a civil partnership so I wouldn’t be left high and dry if he died but I’d still have no rights in a separation. He’s not interested and TBH I don’t want to marry someone that doesn't want me.

I'd rather start again from the bottom than spend another minute with a prick like that

Me too

Why isn't your name on the house? How long have you lived there?

This is the main issue as you'll be left with nothing but it's better than being stuck with a miserable bastard.

You’re fucked - not married and not on the mortgage with kids?!? I would cut losses and leave. Start again. He’s sounds like an arsehole.

JFC OP this is a shitshow. How far away financially are you from being able to buy your own place?

OP, I don't know how you're feeling but right now I'm getting more and more angry about him. How dare he give you children, expect you to keep house, take your financial contributions and not give you a secure share in the assets? Fucking bastard.

You've spent 20 years knowing he doesn't respect or care for you enough to ensure you wouldn't be completely fucked financially in the event of a split. You have no security at all and in exchange for that, he isn't even pleasant to be around!

Well he knew what he was doing by not marrying you.

And now he thinks you're trapped and he can carry on and do what he likes. Which includes making you feel nothing you do is right.

He really doesn't like you becoming more independent, does he? That's because he's losing control.

Can you leave? Can you start again?

🤦‍♀️

Well, I suppose you can just accept the fact that you’ve chosen the opportunity to work part time when your children were young as pay off for not having any share in the household assets. Maybe you just have to make your peace with that.

First thing I’d do is see a solicitor to check if you may have a beneficial interest in the house. I’m not trying to get your hopes up here, it’s unlikely. But we don’t know your specifics (e.g. if you put an inheritance into it, or provided some of the deposit) so it’s worth at least checking that out.

Then, I’d either just leave him now - you’re working full time - or I’d hardball and tell him that you weren’t prepared to put as much into the household pot when you don’t own the house.

I’m with @Makeitmakesensetoday that you should consider the long game.

As for him wanting you around when the weather is bad? Yeah, fuck that. I’d be concentrating entirely on finances now.

You need to save every penny now no more girly trips only free days out with DC you can’t afford it.Save save save by what ever means you can.You have no home or savings so this is the only way you can leave.Can you earn more ? Push the money into savings as you say all the savings are in his name. How did this happen is some of it yours ? It will be hard but you can find a away.

“I even suggested a civil partnership so I wouldn’t be left high and dry if he died but I’d still have no rights in a separation.”

Are you in England or Wales? (possibly also applies to Scotland, I don’t know)
Dissolution of a CP gives you access to all the financial remedies of a divorce from marriage.

He’s not your ‘partner’, he’s your landlord. The relationship is obviously long dead, you urgently need to secure housing for yourself and build up the pension contributions you chose to lose out on. Forget the man, he openly doesn’t give a shit about you and sees you as a domestic appliance.

You’ve put yourself in a recklessly vulnerable lifestyle, that needs fixed.

What on earth were you thinking OP?

Getting with a man who treats you like his slave and then also not even protecting yourself by ensuring he married you before making you his toy.

The longer I stay and the more independent iv become the more I realised this, but it has been a long time and you do hope in your heart that it can be “saved” I even suggested counciing. Im not interested in the slightest about the money or the house. Im waiting out for the kids to leave annother 5 yrs at the most and i’ll find my own smaller place (that’s affordable on one income) im just biding my time now. I just don’t know how to treat him without the household becoming a war zone

How does this help the OP? She knows that now. Unless you’re lending her your time machine, no point making her feel worse about past decisions

England. I also spoken to a solicitor who has confirmed I’m not entitled to anything

Miles, I’d never get a mortgage with my low income, any job prospects I’ve ever had were thwarted by my partner and the fact I always had to be the “available parent” I used to work shifts but it lasted 12 months before I physically and mentally burnt out due to lack of support at home and 60hr week.

I would concentrate on maximising your earnings and savings, and continuing or starting your pension. In the meantime, I'd concentrate on keeping things civil between you, but no more than that. His long term attitude towards you and the children can't be fixed if he isn't even going to acknowledge it as an issue.

Me three but it’s very difficult with 3 kids and no money

“Im not interested in the slightest about the money or the house.”

Why ever not?

You might have to write off the bad decisions on that for the last 20 years - but why compound them for the next 5 until you leave? (as that seems to be your plan)

Don’t pay towards anything to do with the house in that time. Reduce the payment you make into the household if it’s more than half of the bills excluding mortgage. Other purchase? (like family holidays, cars) They need to come from his savings. If he’s not paying towards kids’ things now (days out, uniforms) then either tell him he has to - or if you can’t make him, reduce to it monthly contribution to a lower amount that reflects that you’re covering some bills (children) directly.

Counselling? Only if it’s paid from the savings he built up off your back.