Partner never satisfied

[AD0808]

AIBU to have given up trying to make my partner of 20yrs happy?
For 20 years my partner has had the freedom to do as he wishes in his work life, private life (No other women) he has had countless hobbies, work trips, spent “his” money how he sees fit we’ve always had separate finances. He’s never offered to help around “his” house or help with the kids. Now don’t get me wrong Iv asked for help, asked for support, he helped financially but only to the point where the bills were paid, with a small contribution from me. Whilst the kids were small I had very little for myself so I kept myself busy with the house and taking care of the kids but it still caused a lot of resentment on my side especially as I worked PT too. Now the kids are older he is feeling the resentment as I don’t put any effort in to our relationship any more. I now have a decent income working FT & I can plan things for myself & kids (girly holidays, trips, days out) and not feel guilty, but my god is it effecting his self esteem. He is never happy. He tells me I’m gaining weight so I start going to the gym regularly (fitting it in around the kids clubs), he’s not happy I’m not at home every night spending time with him, I ask him to accompany me on dog walks everyday/evening but he won’t come so i stopped asking, i ask him to go for days out with us but his hobbies take priority so I stopped asking, I don’t cook 7 days a week anymore, yet it’s my privilege to cook for him as I don’t contribute as much money in to the bills as he does (I pay slightly less than a 1/3 of my wages Due to all the other “jobs” I do around the house and he pays a 1/3. Iv offered to up my payments and he takes on half of everything I do but he wouldn’t even discuss it. It doesn’t matter what I suggest he is never happy. The kids are older now and don’t need him as much and I feel as though he is lonely but he won’t do anything about it. He expects us all to drop our plans if his hobby falls through (weather dependent) and spend time with him but that makes him even more miserable and ruins our weekend because it’s obvious he’d rather be else where. Iv considered leaving but the house and savings are in his name and unless he makes me homeless (which he won’t do) I can’t afford to private rent and won’t get support from the council.

Do the kids still live at home? Do they do their fair share of household tasks? If they're all adults they should be chipping in as well.

I'd stop doing anything for him. Don't do his washing, don't pick up after him. Sort yourself out. If you cut down the amount you're doing at home you'll feel less burned out. Make your own plans, if he wants to tag along fine but don't go changing plans to suit him. It seems he has done very little to ensure your happiness so why bother ensuring his.

His misery is the least of your problems OP.

You're a housekeeper who can be discarded with zero financial burden to his lordship.

Be careful that you "staying for the kids" has the potential to be so much worse for the kids.

How old are the children? My guess is they are very aware of how he’s an arsehole, can see how he mistreats you and can’t wait to see the back of him.

There’s no point worrying about what you should or shouldn’t have done now, just focus on the situation you’re in. If you can tolerate it - and it seems you’ve developed a thick skin where his twattishness is concerned - I’d carry on as you are. Save as much as you can, live your life and bide your time until you can get out of there.

Is there any way you can pay less? Magic up some big spends for the kids that he wouldn’t be involved in or similar. If so I’d do that too. Contribute the bare minimum without arousing suspicion so that you can get out of there.

“I just don’t know how to treat him without the household becoming a war zone”

Well, one strategy is to decided that actually, being treated like this is a reason to go into battle - and you should have the war zone.

But I appreciate you might not have the stomach for that.

In which case, take a look at grey rock technique. Also maybe ask on here for self help books / podcasts on assertiveness.

If he’s not dangerous, then for example with the weekend plan changes - refuse. Just refuse. “Oh you’re not fishing this weekend now? We’re spending the day at the beach, come with us. You want to stay home? OK. No, we’re not staying home too - we have plans. Leaving at 10:00 if you change your mind.”

Sometimes… you need to escalate one incident to war zone level until he sees that no, you’re not going to back down.

Neither should you aim to stay with someone who has made it so clear they are happy to have you as a side kick without giving anything back.

After 20 years he is not going to change, but you don’t need to waste the rest of your life accommodating his needs. I assume your children are not young anymore so try to increase your income and start creating the life you want for yourself.

If you ever think you are unfair for putting your needs first, just think: if he was in my shoes what would he do? And do the same.
You can live alongside and even be happy with a self centred selfish arse as long as you are one too.

This. There’s nothing to salvage and the sooner you start again the sooner you’ll be better off.

Don't lift a finger around his house. or contribute financially. If he asks why, ask him 'what's in it for me?'. Tell him to employ a cleaner, outsource ironing and cooking etc using the thousands you've saved him in childcare costs over the years.

It’s not about making her feel worse about past decisions, it’s trying to wake her up to the reality of her situation, as she’s saying she’s going to stay in this situation for another 5 years and that she doesn’t care about the house or money.

Get smart with your grocery shop, each time you go get some cashback or buy a gift card. In 5 years you should be able to add a bit to your savings

You can't live like this for another 5 years!!

This is exactly why I posted in here. I am indeed becoming selfish and self centred but not at the cost of my children, I was just wondering if it was wrong of me.

It’s not wrong. It’s just a reaction to how he has treated you all of these years.

The kids do their fair share and contribute more than he does. I have cut down on the things I “do” for him. He was running around last Sunday because I’d not washed his work uniform and was apparently making a point! What point I don’t know but it made me chuckle.

The point that he treats you like a maid. Honestly, I wouldn't have been able to hold my laugh in.

Just reverse everything onto him. If he complains you haven't washed his uniform ask if he's washed yours. Any other complaints he makes about something you haven't done for him just ask if he did the same for you.

Absolutely this! Tell him as you're not a part owner in the property you are no longer willing to contribute to the mortgage. And every thing else that is paid is is 50/50.

Continuing to inflict this toxic, misogynistic farce of a non-relationship on your kids just so you don’t have to house them yourself seems brutal. They’ll think it’s normal, something to aspire to.

I take back saying the man is your landlord, as tenants have rights.

To reply to posts, either tag the username or use the quote function.

Stop contributing to the property unless you go on the deeds.
id start training for a higher income job.
start saving anything you can.
you’ll only need a year to be in a much better position to leave and start a happier lifestyle.

Why the fuck aren't you wanting half of the house after 20 years? You should be interested since you've 3 kids to support!

This one will leave you OP if you're not careful, you'll be homeless.

I’m in a similar position with a 3 & 5 year old (& 15 year old from a previous relationship). It’s such a tough situation. Leave now or wait until the kids are older? I know what you mean about keep hoping to save the relationship. But, as one of my best friends keeps telling me things aren’t going to change. These men tend to also move on and marry the next woman they meet.

A lesson to women everywhere.
I am sorry you have allowed this situation and i hope to god that you some how manage to salvage the rest of your life.

I know you would be walking away with nothing but honestly just leave now. Get a private rent house and live your life happy. Why stay in a miserable relationship without your name on the mortgage. Just leave with the children now. Just imagine this time next year how happy you will be. You might be skint but your happiness is worth so much more.

Jesus.

20 years??

If you walk away now, it's with nothing.

If you walk away in 5 years time, it's with nothing but you'll have spent 5 less years with him.

You've contributed to the upkeep and paid into a mortgage of a home for two decades and you didn't get your name on the deeds or a ring on your finger?

I hope the "marriage is only a bit of paper" brigade read this and recognise that for women like the OP this is very much not the case.

I don't want to be glib, but the only way you will have some claim on the house or his savings is if he dies and you're named as the beneficiary of this estate, and right now it doesn't even sound like he likes you that much, so that seems unlikely.

‘He tells me I’m gaining weight so I start going to the gym regularly’

I cannot believe women do this kind of stuff for their partners 🤯

Please value yourself, don’t humiliate yourself any further and start living a truly independent life. You have wasted enough years trying to please this idiot. Get some self-respect and a backbone and please leave.