Partner never satisfied

[AD0808]

AIBU to have given up trying to make my partner of 20yrs happy?
For 20 years my partner has had the freedom to do as he wishes in his work life, private life (No other women) he has had countless hobbies, work trips, spent “his” money how he sees fit we’ve always had separate finances. He’s never offered to help around “his” house or help with the kids. Now don’t get me wrong Iv asked for help, asked for support, he helped financially but only to the point where the bills were paid, with a small contribution from me. Whilst the kids were small I had very little for myself so I kept myself busy with the house and taking care of the kids but it still caused a lot of resentment on my side especially as I worked PT too. Now the kids are older he is feeling the resentment as I don’t put any effort in to our relationship any more. I now have a decent income working FT & I can plan things for myself & kids (girly holidays, trips, days out) and not feel guilty, but my god is it effecting his self esteem. He is never happy. He tells me I’m gaining weight so I start going to the gym regularly (fitting it in around the kids clubs), he’s not happy I’m not at home every night spending time with him, I ask him to accompany me on dog walks everyday/evening but he won’t come so i stopped asking, i ask him to go for days out with us but his hobbies take priority so I stopped asking, I don’t cook 7 days a week anymore, yet it’s my privilege to cook for him as I don’t contribute as much money in to the bills as he does (I pay slightly less than a 1/3 of my wages Due to all the other “jobs” I do around the house and he pays a 1/3. Iv offered to up my payments and he takes on half of everything I do but he wouldn’t even discuss it. It doesn’t matter what I suggest he is never happy. The kids are older now and don’t need him as much and I feel as though he is lonely but he won’t do anything about it. He expects us all to drop our plans if his hobby falls through (weather dependent) and spend time with him but that makes him even more miserable and ruins our weekend because it’s obvious he’d rather be else where. Iv considered leaving but the house and savings are in his name and unless he makes me homeless (which he won’t do) I can’t afford to private rent and won’t get support from the council.

OP you have to get out. This is controlling and frankly abusive behaviour. He has all the equity and savings despite you paying bills and doing the vast majority of household stuff. You have no security. It sounds like you spend your life trying to make him happy (including trying to lose weight). Of course he doesn’t want to marry you- he has all the power and you think you are trapped, but you are not.

Speak to a solicitor, you would likely be able to make a claim for yourself and kids under TOLATA for a proportion of the house. You then will get some money you can either use to rent or buy a property.

Look if you would be entitled to any benefits if you split and child maintenance (he will have to pay you something).

Good for you doing your own thing finally.
I would be cutting my losses and leaving now but only you know what’s best for you.
Definitely no more running around after him though.

Im not interested in the slightest about the money or the house.

Oh dear. So you're not interested in ever retiring or being financially stable in your old age?

OP, this is the wrong mindset. You've made some seriously bad financial choices in staying with this man without marriage OR any entitlement to the house. He has been pretty clever and played you.

There is no turning back time but you need to change your attitude today to salvage what you can. You need to get interested in your financial future before it catches up with you.

"I have cut down on the things I “do” for him."

Good. Now go one step further and stop "doing" anything at all for this miserable bastard. He can do his own washing and shopping and cooking.

@WillowBarkTree she wrote that she has seen a solicitor. And she’s making her kids live in the boyfriends house until they’re old enough to not get child maintenance. The mind boggles.

I am wondering if you can stop making any financial contribution, so at least you can save that for the future, given that he isn’t going to give you anything.

Seems to me that the longer you stay with him the harder it'll be to start again.

What a Wasted life.

Marriage has never been "just a piece of paper". If anyone reading this is unmarried with children and without property in your own name FGS take heed and get married!

I don't why you're chuckling tbh. You're very vulnerable in this situation and he sounds dreadful. You really have to start 'getting your ducks in a row' with this man.

He’s a grade A prick OP, don’t waste anymore time, start the life you want and don’t look back

@AD0808 OP look for another solicitor and ask about this.

is there a thread or a board where the OP could get some more info about anything like this?

Well the thing is you can either leave now or later. You're not going to be entitled to anything unless you've contributed to improvements to the house. He's absolutely taken you for a ride I'm afraid. I suppose all you can do is try to negotiate some sort of deal with him where he pays for the first three months and deposit on a flat.

Let this be a warning to anyone who thinks that marriage is just a piece of paper.

@C00k she needs to go to another one. TOLATA claims are more difficult than financial remedies but on what OP has said I can’t see why she couldn’t make such a claim. OP call Women’s Aid they will be able to recommend solicitors who have experience in this area (your situation is very common - man refuses to marry so woman is in precarious position and feels trapped).

OP I’ve been to a solicitor and been told that you can apply under the Childrens Act to stay in the house until the kids are 18. Not sure if that helps?

The fact is that you HAVE contributed financially to the home. Even without the benefit of marriage, you will be entitled to a share of the home you have contributed to over the last 20 years.

He might say you have never paid towards it, but you bloody well have. He can't decide that HIS money was mortgage money while your money was food money. It doesn't work like that.

I would take advice and register your interest in the house. I know a woman who did this and she was rightly awarded half the value after co-living for over 20 years.

Why are you with this man?

LTB

What exactly is this “registering your interest”?? @AmandaHoldensLips

What register?

If you mean Form HR1, it’s only available to married /civil partnership situations.

You cannot tell the OP that she “will” be entitled.

She can bring a TOLATA claim as another poster mentioned. But they’re really tricky and so far from guaranteed. Your anecdotal woman will have had specific circumstances that made a TOLATA claim successful.

For most people who put themselves in the position of paying someone else’s mortgage: they get fuck all.

Happy to educated if I’ve missed the existence of some unmarried cohabitation property interests register though!!

@AD0808 ?

@Testina it was (I believe) under the TOLATA (but not sure) and very similar circumstances - not married, long term co-habiting, house not in her name (in his name only). Also something to do with registering an interest (her exact phrase) with Land Registry which effectively meant it could not be sold until the issue was resolved.

OP are you saving money for yourself? Sorry if I missed but I read that you are planning to have a smaller place once the DC are older. My concern is about your future/pension.

What did you decide to do OP ?

No it’s not. You should have been a lot more selfish a lot longer ago. But it’s too late to worry about this now, it’s done.

If you don’t have the stomach to try to get him to marry you to get the legal protection (and I wouldn’t blame you) and you really genuinely don’t care about the financial aspect then you may as well just leave now really.

He treats you like a slave. There is literally no upside to remaining with this man.

If you don’t want to upend the children’s lives I would just avoid him as far as possible and ignore what he wants you to do. Grey rock the fuck out of him.

Sorry OP that you’re in this position but this is a cautionary tale for women in what happens when you put “romance” ahead of financial independence and planning.

TOLATA claims are expensive and difficult to pursue, courts don’t give people an interest in your property lightly. Usually Op would need to show she’s contributed to deposit or improved it eg paid for an extension.
Married women can register an interest in matrimonial home not in their name to avoid being thrown out but no use to Op as unmarried.
I’d seriously look at cutting looses now and saving for deposit to move on. Get ducks in a row.
You are entirely at his mercy, it’s all well and good saying pay nothing/do nothing but if he asks Op to leave tonight that’s it she has no rights.
Do you know what happens to house if he dies?