To kick off about Insta DMs to another woman?

[JennyKat]

DH has a specific interest - imagine a niche type of music...

He has three insta accounts related to different elements of the interest.

I noticed he was 'liking' the posts of a particular woman across all of his accounts - going as far as commenting on her content on Christmas Day.

I challenged it and he said it was just to do with their shared interest and there'd been no DMs... he showed me his DM screen - no DMs... I asked about the other accounts and sure enough - there were DMs he'd "forgotten about".

He showed me the DMs and one of them was her talking about an event in our hometown - nowhere near her hometown and there's an event closer to her.

There was no "Hi it's me..." type introduction so it's clear to me they must have spoken before. He said they have been talking as part of a larger group for 5+ years - but he has never mentioned her to me before.

We've had a huge row about this. He said he's been naive and he loves me etc. I don't believe anything untoward, in terms of meeting up, has happened but I feel it's inappropriate.

It's also really impacted my self-esteem. I have put on some weight lately and a lot of her posts are about weight loss and how good she feels.

We don't have sex, there's nothing in the way of touching - I don't feel desired. He has explained this away as being "him" and not "me", but that doesn't change the overall impact on me which is that I am feeling pretty low right now.

Any advice? Am I being over-sensitive about the DMs and insta-interaction?

I mean talking about an event to someone you know for at least 5 years isn't the craziest thing I've ever heard....

But obviously there's other issues if you are feeling this way and there's no sex etc.

I dont think this lady posting on her page about weight loss should have any kind of impact on you. How do you even know who's pics he is liking and from which accounts? That seems like a lot of work!

I dont think it's wise to "kick off" because a friend of your DH messaged him about an event. That isn't healthy.

It's more the secrecy around it. I don't believe this is the extent of the comms.

Why never mention her? Forgetting about DMs?

It wasn't hard work to see what he'd liked. She posts a lot of content. People you follow who have liked it are highlighted under the photo... all of his accounts had liked all her content.

It's more the secrecy around i

I mean, no wonder

I can't imagine policy my DH's social media or friend network and if he tried to do the same to me I would tell him where to go.

You either trust him or you don't. And if you don't your relationship is doomed.

You say you have no sex and there's nothing in the way of touching in the relationship. It would be of no surprise to anyone if either of you seek attention elsewhere.

Did you mean 'policing'?

It's not exactly policing to notice that he's taking a lot of effort to react to someone's content. There's a lot of interaction with someone he's never mentioned or been open about. It doesn't feel right.

Have you told him about every conversation and friend that you have? Would you feel this way if his friend was male?

I think the messages are a bit of a red herring - I have no interest in who my DH messages and certainly don't tell him about who I message. But there are clearly deeper issues here and you've latched onto the messages a proxy.

Why are you checking what he likes on insta? I'm not sure I know how to do that, you seem very insecure if you're checking up like this.
If there's no affection in your marriage that needs addressed instead of stalking his SM, it's not healthy.

Loads to unpick there.

Firstly, he didn’t “forget” about the DMs on his other account(s). He lied about it.

The no-sex thing is seriously concerning. How long has that gone on for? How old are you both and how long together?

And it’s weird to like somebody’s posts from all of your Instagram accounts. And who even has three accounts?! Sounds exhausting.

Is it that you think this is the tip of the iceberg and they're communicating some other way as well? You've reacted strongly enough that you think this is some kind of affair maybe? The absolute lack of intimacy in your relationship would support that conclusion to be fair. I went off sex hugely and after a while my H stopped trying, about the time that he met someone else to be intimate with!

What you’ve described is reasonably explainable without it being drastically inappropriate. But it’s clearly just part of a bigger picture where you’re not happy in the relationship. You don’t need evidence to be unhappy, you don’t need evidence to leave if that’s what you want.

Can I guess the music genre? Steam String Quartet ? Electro Country ?

Rainbow Rhythms.

No wonder he said he forgot about the DM's as he knew what a drama queen you would be about it.

Kicking off about him talking to a member of the opposite sex about an event they have a shared interest about.

A huge row about it even though you yourself say there is no suspicion of meeting up etc.

Get a grip

I have a very niche interest that my partner doesnt share.
As a result I message with a lot of people re my interest and will agree to meet ups due to it.

Dont want to shag any of them, dont tell my partner about every interaction as id be there all day, and tbh if she "kicked off" about any of them I'd be questioning why I'm in a relationship with someone that controlling.

Surprised at the responses here.

You being annoyed that's he's talking to someone about a shared interest is the red herring here.

It's the stating that he doesn't/never has, then it turns out he's actually been talking to her to some degree for around 5 years, conveniently only showing the insta account he doesn't talk to her on, then suddenly remembering he does actually talk to her when asked about other accounts. So the first issue is the lying, this may be yours, his, or a combined fault, and only coming clean when caught out, and even then his coming clean is a lie - he 'forgot' about them. It also sounds like the history has been wiped if there was no intro etc?

As far as the likes go, its clear your intuition is correct, as you've noticed this, and it turns out he does talk to her despite his claims to the contrary, so in all honesty, I'd trust your gut here rather than the responses you're getting, personally.

Sadly, you have much bigger problems than whom he is chatting to online. The absolute first thing I'd look at, is your self esteem. I understand not feeling right with weight changes, but as quite a big woman myself (who has put weight on), I feel good about myself, secure in my relationship and who my OH chats to, and don't worry about it being inappropriate, because I'm fabulous.

The second is the worrying about who he chats to online. Only you know him. Does he talk to men and women the same way? Or is he a bit of a sleaze? If you think he's sleazing and only talking to her because he fancies her that's a separate issue. If not the latter, then YABU.

I'm not sure about other folk - I have male friends, who I'd never in a million years look at that way, as does my OH have female friends of the same ILK. But we certainly don't go out of our way to befriend new people of the opposite sex - if it happens, it happens. You need to use some level headed judgement on him, here.

Oh, and the lack of sex or desire on his part is an issue, that I think you're right to consider in all of this.

Honestly, you're not happy. I'd just get out and work on yourself. Doesn't sound like he's making you very happy either. In fairness, may be difficult for him to make you happy with your self esteem issues, but if your partner isn't wanting to shag you, that's not going to help you feel secure and desired it love. Sorry you're going through a tough time.

I wasn't checking or stalking his social media. Because he and I used to interact, and she and him, she popped up as someone I might know. I looked at her account - lots of selfies, videos of herself - which he has liked on all his accounts - which looked odd.

I don't expect to hear every about conversation he has with everyone. I do wonder why if he's been speaking to this person for more than five years, her name has never come up, or the fact they speak. It all felt a bit covert.

The "forgetting" about DMs was weird too.

I asked the question, I received an answer. I am BU. It just didn't feel right.

So he lied and tried to hide talking to this woman. That's damaging to your relationship and trust. What is he doing to repair this? What do you need from him? Open phone policy? No insta for a set time?

Lying and hiding isn't the actions of someone who is just innocently chatting to a friend.
What is he doing to recover the emotional and physical intimacy in your relationship? Presumably you both want to get that back?

The issue is him lying.
You don't care about his niche interest, fine.
You do care that he lied about being in contact with a woman on separate accounts, which appear to have been set up with the intention to deceive you into thinking there was nothing "untoward". I would be thinking he has done this before or has other woman on those accounts he regularly talks to that you don't know about. It is not unfair to be suspicious of someone who lies and appears to have premeditated it.

You are not being unreasonable. I wouldn’t like it either. He’s sniffing around her.

Were any of the messages sexual or implied sexual in nature?

To me the only real problem with his behaviour as long as the messages were not flirty or sexual in nature is that he was weird and tried to hide DMs that is not ok.

But otherwise there are plenty of people I chat to online via social media, many are male, definitely don't tell my partner about everyone unless we're like planning on hanging out or something a bit more then casual internet chatting over a shared interest.

I think the no sex is a far bigger issue.
It doesn't sound like your relationship is working or is that great atm tbh and I think that is the real issue making you feel so insecure, not him talking to a women in Instagram about obscure German techno or whatever random music he's into.

I agree with this.

However, an alternative point to consider is the OP actually, in her insecurity, is an absolute fucking nightmare if he ever speaks to the opposite sex. OP hasn't addressed this.

6 of one and half a dozen of the other I think.

I think he's not helping, may or may be up to no good, and his behavioural problems of his own. I also suspect OP has controlling tendencies. Only OP knows whether she has form for this.