To kick off about Insta DMs to another woman?

[JennyKat]

DH has a specific interest - imagine a niche type of music...

He has three insta accounts related to different elements of the interest.

I noticed he was 'liking' the posts of a particular woman across all of his accounts - going as far as commenting on her content on Christmas Day.

I challenged it and he said it was just to do with their shared interest and there'd been no DMs... he showed me his DM screen - no DMs... I asked about the other accounts and sure enough - there were DMs he'd "forgotten about".

He showed me the DMs and one of them was her talking about an event in our hometown - nowhere near her hometown and there's an event closer to her.

There was no "Hi it's me..." type introduction so it's clear to me they must have spoken before. He said they have been talking as part of a larger group for 5+ years - but he has never mentioned her to me before.

We've had a huge row about this. He said he's been naive and he loves me etc. I don't believe anything untoward, in terms of meeting up, has happened but I feel it's inappropriate.

It's also really impacted my self-esteem. I have put on some weight lately and a lot of her posts are about weight loss and how good she feels.

We don't have sex, there's nothing in the way of touching - I don't feel desired. He has explained this away as being "him" and not "me", but that doesn't change the overall impact on me which is that I am feeling pretty low right now.

Any advice? Am I being over-sensitive about the DMs and insta-interaction?

I can't imagine being "challenged" over liking a friend's posts on Xmas Day or indeed over my social media usage at all.

I've been part of some niche scenes and frequently message the friends I made in them about our mutual interest. Even the men. Even on Xmas Day. I don't know which of those friends I've mentioned to DP, as many of them have moved away and it's a long-distance friendship these days there probably wasn't a reason. (Not that he'd go to the trouble of remembering, let alone policing my social media interactions.)

Just part 949304334 on here of "my husband isn't allowed to talk to other women and ever male-female friendship is automatically suspicious".

Yes policing. Autocorrection error. It happens.

Honestly I don't check to see what my DH has liked on social media and if he commented or raised what I like I'd think he'd lost the plot.

I think for me this totally depends on the relationship in general & also your own self confidence/how you feel about things in general.

Like others have said this wouldn’t be a red flag for them and it wouldn’t really be for me, if I saw her post I wouldn’t have even bothered clicking onto the likes then scrolling through them to check if he has liked them on one/all accounts. For me the fact you went looking seems to show you feel some level of insecurity in the relationship?

On the basis that you have mentioned some insecurities yourself & have said there is no intimacy, I think that is probably a bigger issue than the likes themselves.

I don't feel like I've policed his interactions. I didn't go looking for this and I haven't delved deeper. I actually ignored it for a while but it just didn't sit right and I felt uneasy about it. I raised it as "I don't think you've cheated but this doesn't feel appropriate". I asked if they'd DM'd and he said no... he showed me his screen and I asked about the other accounts which he then "remembered".

Maybe that does make me an 'absolute fucking nightmare', and maybe that's something I have to reflect on.

I interact with hundreds of people each day in my job. Not every conversation is relayed back to DH... but someone I speak to consistently for that length of time would probably come up organically - "you'll never guess what [name] said, you remember the one..." etc. That's how I would see it playing out if it was a normal interaction.

"Yes policing. Autocorrection error. It happens."

I wasn't being snippy, just making sure that's what you meant since I was addressing what you said.

You did go looking for it though OP, on instagram you can’t see a list of all people who have liked a post without physically clicking into likes to have a look. It typically suggests 1 or 2 names that have liked it if you have mutual followers so it may have said “DP and 15 others liked this”, but you have then clicked into that to look at the list and see he has liked it on all accounts.

I didn't have to look through her stuff ... mutual connections who have liked the post are listed under the photo ... all three of his accounts were listed there. I didn't have to look very far to find this. Based on the comments they'd left for each other, my instinct was that they'd slid into DMs.

The messages were about an event near our hometown. I wondered why she'd asked him and it turns out she knows where he lives - and there are two events closer to her. It just seemed odd.

I really didn't go looking for it. Underneath almost all of her photos it said something like "[account 1], [account 2] and 1 other you follow liked this"

They were all his accounts.

It was a chance pop up. This has been going on for years. If I was stalking his stuff I'd have found it a lot sooner. I'm not that engaged with social media.

I don't agree that her being upset or worried about it is on par with him ACTUALLY LYING.

If someone lies they expect the person lied to to lose trust in them. Anyone who lies ergo risks the trust in their relationship. It is an adult characteristic to choose not to lie, honestly should not be an optional extra and dependent on whether the partner cares. I don't care if she is "a nightmare" about him talking to other woman. He is aware of this and would have been through their relationship. He still chose her. The thing with lying is the victim gets no choice in whether they accept the behaviour.

But liking a friend's insta posts isn't inappropriate. Especially if they're posting that they feel good. I always throw someone a like if they've achieved a fitness goal or are proud of how they look because I like to see them confident and happy. There's no nefarious intent.

I mention some friends to DP more than others but it would be insane to relay the entire contents of my inbox to him (and he wouldn't thank me for it). Mentioning a guy who used to be in a scene I was part of, that DP isn't interested in, and the guy moved away 7 years ago and they never met each other... there doesn't seem to be any point? DP would just say "who is that and why are you telling me about your niche chat with him about your niche interest".

He is DMing her as well as liking her with multiple accounts. Honestly if your partner set up multiple accounts, messaged women and liked their posts and then lied to you about it, would you think you were wrong to be concerned?

I totally agree with you in the example you shared, but this scenario feels different. She is on the scene and they were messaging for quite a while. He's mentioned others but not her. I felt (feel) there was a lack of candour.

This is what I'm trying to examine. I feel the consensus here is that I have been unreasonable. My instinct is saying this doesn't feel right.

However I asked for feedback and I received it. This has given me a lot to think about how I view the situation.

If it’s Instagram, it doesn’t give you 3 names without you clicking into the likes to have a look. So you have clicked into it to have a look, that’s fine, you obviously feel you have a reason to look.

As I said, my reaction to this would depend on the circumstances completely. In my own relationship, if it was a connection through a hobby, I probably wouldn’t think twice about it. But if me and my husband had no intimacy at all, and I already had self confidence issues and concerns there, then yeah I can see where I might latch on. I think the bigger issue is your relationship though, why no intimacy?

From what you describe, the interaction hasn’t ventured into emotional affair territory, but does sound more platonic.

@Mrsttcno1
Agreed, OP can try and pretend with her faux innocence, she's had to go looking for this. How did she happen across the account with his likes? Insta is a big place!

Yes you are overreacting, and I think deep down its because you know that not having sex or intimacy is unhealthy and he is possibly seeking this elsewhere.

Faux innocence! That's a bit much I've been pretty open about how it came up.

I have two IG accounts, personal & work, I cannot be arsed to run both so just use one.

Him having 3 is odd.

Him having 3 & moving between them to like the same post is extremely odd.

Him 'forgetting' about DMs with someone he's been chatting to for 5 years is downright bizarre.

Is he doing anything IRL with her? Probably not but it sure looks like he might be wishing he was.

I think you may have wider issues :(

Yep, he's sniffing around her OP. Always trust your gut.

As I’ve stated, instagram does not suggest 3 account names in a “liked this”, it’s 2 max. So it may have said “dp and 15 others liked this” but it absolutely did not, just scrolling through, name all 3 accounts as having “liked” this. You have clicked onto the likes and looked for his names, that’s okay but just be honest about it, and think about why you felt the need to look. It’s not a normal reaction to see your partner has liked something and then to look and see on how many accounts he’s liked it.

When you think about your “reason” you’ll realise what your actual problem is that needs dealt with. Your self esteem, the lack of intimacy in your relationship, your feeling undesired by your partner, THAT is what drives these feelings and thats what you need to deal with OP x

FWIW OP I think you have every right to feel shit that he lied to you. I also have had an ex gradually stop intimacy and it can make you feel very rejected very quickly. I see it as a red flag. My situation was that my ex was trying to pull away so that his messages to other women weren't "cheating". He had done this in the past and actively cheated but renamed it "overlap". I still suspect he was cheating when we split and he did go off with the woman he was messaging on Insta. So, I for one, can see where you are coming from. I'm not suggesting he is doing this, but men do have form for this pattern of behaviour. I'd suggest being alert to all of this from hereon in. Obviously, working on your self esteem never hurts, but it might be that him pulling away is the cause of that and you need to understand why he has done that. I hope you work it out but don't knock yourself for your instincts.

He probably said he forgot because you were being so unreasonable about it.

3 IG accounts is weird but if you know about all of them he's not trying to hide anything

It's not weird that her name has never come up

The issue however is how you feel about the lack of intimacy. Relationships don't have to be physical but if you feel uncomfortable about that then it's a problem

Bizarrely I was talking to a friend about this.
She recently split from her partner, his decision. They were living together in his house. He came out with all the usual bs about how he must be depressed, he cares deeply for her but he doesn’t want to be with anyone at all, wants to be alone. Doesn’t want to get married or have children ( it was never her who suggested marriage or children- only him.)
Anyway she has now discovered that he is dating someone else.
Through detective work this person was liking her exs insta posts from back when my friend and her ex were together.
There it is in black and white.
My friend has no idea if the new woman started liking his posts first and following him or if it was the other way round.
She is fine but this goes to show how easy it is to drop someone and start seeing someone else.
This might not be the case for you op. However don’t be naive.
It could lead to something far more serious.
The lack of intimacy is a huge red flag.

He lied. That would be enough for me.