DD's Boyfriend

[Carsarelife]

DD has a boyfriend who comes over twice a week roughly. They are both 18 and both at college they also work together although don't see each other much at work. He lives 1 train stop away.
I just asked DD what time he would be going home and she said he would be getting the last train at 11:45pm

AIBU to think this is so late for a week night? Everyone has college and work tomorrow and my youngest has school tomorrow. I know they are 18 but I want to say 11pm is late enough and in future he needs to be gone by this time.
Obviously I'm mindful about not wanting to upset everyone and not to be unreasonable

As long as they are quiet and not disturbing anyone I dont see the issue?

Why does his time of departure affect the rest of the family?
Can't your daughter just lock up after he leaves?

They are adults! it isn't up to you any more, as long as they are not disturbing the household, let them develop their own judgement.

They obviously are disturbing op if they are on MN making a post about it.

My DC is 19. If I’m up early for work (5am) I say friends have to be out at 10pm. Sometimes they are here until after midnight but, as long as they don’t disturb me I sometimes don’t mind.
If you feel the last train is too late then just tell them it’s leave by 11 in future.
Ahh, young love 💕 where you just wanted to be with each other and the tiredness was worth it to spend an extra 30 minutes together.

Are they disturbing you? If so, it's not unreasonable to ask them to be quieter and if that doesn't work, to leave earlier. If they are not disturbing you, yes you are being unreasonable. They are 18.

If they both have college, I would be (kindly!) kicking him out at 10pm- definitely no later than 11. Sometimes 18 year olds still need guidance on making sensible decisions and I wouldn’t be condoning poor sleep before college. I wouldn’t be able to settle until he’d left anyway in case there was an issue with his train or whatever.

Bizarre that so many people seem to think that their roles as responsible adults end on children’s 18th birthdays.

Bizarre that so many people seem to think that their roles as responsible adults end on children’s 18th birthdays

I find it more bizarre that some posters have 18 year olds who can't decide what time they want to go to bed or get up in the morning. I still guide my 17 and 18 years olds in some things but by now they've learnt to listen to their bodies and know when they need to sleep. If your DC can't do that by this age then I'd think you hadn't done your job as a parent when they were younger teens

Yes it's late.

I think if your daughter is 18, then it's unreasonable to expect her boyfriend to leave at 11. But if you go to bed really early then I would expect him to try to be really quiet when he leaves and not to wake you up.'

If you're a light sleeper and easily disturbed, I thoroughly recommend Loop Quiet earplugs

Regardless of their age, it seems unreasonable to me for a visitor to be staying that late, especially on a weeknight, in a house where othee people live. I’d assume they want to go to bed and not have somone else’s visitor still hanging around.

Weekend? No problem. Weekday? No way.

It's not their place so they have to live by the rules of the house when other family members are living there.

Start charging him rent OP lol. He's using all the facilities in the house.

Oh, and I hope your daughter is doubled up on contraception.

It’s your house so you can have any rule you like.

It seems unreasonable though. They are adults, I don’t see why it would disturb your younger child?

Because sex after 11pm is notoriously more sexy and likely to result in pregnancy?

If you're a light sleeper and easily disturbed, I thoroughly recommend Loop Quiet earplugs

Never heard of them, and wouldn't want earplugs while sleeping because I toss and turn a lot.

Even more scary is not being able to wake up during a fire alarm or a flooding.
I'd rather have insomnia thanks. I can always catch up with sleep.

Your house, your rules.

Surely it's not an issue unless they are disturbing you with noise? Just have a word with your dd and tell her you have to get up early so he needs to leave very quietly and she needs to lock up.
Tell her in the future you'd prefer she check with you if he's going to be leaving late and make sure it doesn't coincide with an early morning for you
She needs to be considerate of the other people she lives with. However I wouldn't be laying down the law with her as she's 18. I'd be having a conversation with her about being considerate

Your house, your rules.
Regardless of your dd being an adult, you are still able to say you don't want people in your house that late.

I get up very early for work, and am a really light sleeper, so no matter how quiet someone thought they were being leaving my house, it would wake me up. So I wouldn't have it.

Out of interest, would the boyfriends parents allow your dd to be at their house that late?

I don't see how it is your role as a parent to tell you 18 year old what time to go to bed. It is your role as a parent to discuss university choices, ( but not to make them) to discuss career choices ( but not to make them) to provide a secure family home while they stretch their wings, to support, emotionally and possibly financially, to make partners feel welcome, to encourage growing independence, to share hopes and dreams, to sympathise when things go wrong

Not to tell them what time to go to bed

I can't remember what age I last told my children what time to go to bed.

12 maybe? I would have had something to say if a teen was on the X box after midnight, but they never were

It's your home and if him staying later is affecting how the rest of the household is able to get to sleep then ask him to leave earlier on school nights.

Blanket rule. Guests leave by 10 pm on school nights - same for your guests or anyone making phone calls, playing music etc.

@Usernamesarenoteasy can't answer that as she's never been to his house unfortunately she says it's because he has 6 other siblings

@notknowledgeable problem is she's an adult in one sense but doesn't contribute to the household financially. So just wondered if my thinking was right or if I was being unreasonable. TBH my parents didn't let any boyfriends in my house at all and I left home at 22 years old.
We also live in a bungalow and my bedroom is right next to the front door.
My 2 DD's also share a room which isn't ideal but it is what it is, so if the boyfriend is over my other DD sits in lounge with me then gets in my bed as it's too late for her to stay up as school tomorrow.
I also worry about the boyfriend going home that late on his own as he has a walk from the other end

@user1492757084 this was my thinking. It's just the fact it was a school night. Friday or Saturday night I wouldn't have cared.
Not sure if it's a bit rude to stay at someone's house so late really mid week

My 2 DD's also share a room which isn't ideal but it is what it is, so if the boyfriend is over my other DD sits in lounge with me then gets in my bed as it's too late for her to stay up as school tomorrow.

YANBU based on that alone. Poor DD2 not being able to gop to bed when she wants to.

Just read that that your daughters share a room. How old is your other DD?