DD's Boyfriend

[Carsarelife]

DD has a boyfriend who comes over twice a week roughly. They are both 18 and both at college they also work together although don't see each other much at work. He lives 1 train stop away.
I just asked DD what time he would be going home and she said he would be getting the last train at 11:45pm

AIBU to think this is so late for a week night? Everyone has college and work tomorrow and my youngest has school tomorrow. I know they are 18 but I want to say 11pm is late enough and in future he needs to be gone by this time.
Obviously I'm mindful about not wanting to upset everyone and not to be unreasonable

Kicking out your adult child's guest at 10pm because you give them a bedtime on school nights isn't 'guidance on sensible decisions'. It's just infantilising.

I think it's bizarre that so many people think their role as a responsible adult means babying an 18-year-old so they never learn to make 'sensible' decisions for themselves. I also think it's bizarre that anyone actually expects/wants an 18-year-old to be 'sensible' all the time. I'm 47 and I don't always make a 'sensible' decision on what time I go to bed, so I don't see why an 18-year-old should either. It's hardly the end of the bloody world.

It's not her age that's the issue - it's your house. Of course it's too late.

If she wants to come and go as she pleases and invite over boyfriends as and when she pleases, then she's welcome to get a job and get her own place.

I'm not sure what everyone else is on about! It's simply about manners and it's not polite for any guest to stay past 9pm in this house! Put your foot down. If she doesnt''like it, tell her she's an adult and she's welcome to move out.

If your daughters share a bedroom then I can understand thst it's not ideal for the older one to have her boyfriend in the bedroom past the time that the younger one wants to go to bed, so why can't they sit in the living room instead?

I'm not sure what everyone else is on about! It's simply about manners and it's not polite for any guest to stay past 9pm in this house!

So if you invited your friends round for dinner or drinks, you'd expect them to be gone by 9pm? Sorry, but I don't think you're the normal one here.

I've read your posts but I'm still not quite sure what you're objecting to. Is he too noisy when he leaves?

This needs to stop impacting your other DD. The younger DD needs to be able to go to bed when she is tired, she should not be kicked out of her room and unable to sleep in it because her sister has her boyfriend round. Depending on how old the other DD is, I think 10pm to go home is acceptable but if DD needs to use her bedroom she should be able to so maybe a week day limit as well.

I am amazed by how many posters seem unable to imagine a situation getting sorted out by having a reasonable discussion. They make it so confrontational and exaggerate the force needed or used by anyone else expressing theiropinion, e.g. 'law down the law' or 'insist' 'push for'so that the person who gets their way is the one trampling on other people themost. I consider this a childish and bullying way to resolve things.
So here's what I think about this situation: now we know that the duaghter shares a room with her younger sister and the boyfriend's presence delays the younger sister's bedtime, it's perfectly reasonable for the boyfriend to leave, at least the shared bedroom earlier.This doesn't have to be in a 'kicking you out' way but with a calm discussion with the older daughter about the importance and grown-upness of being considerate to other people in the house.Obviously if the daughter throws a strop and refuses, then the OP will have to insist. The fact that the two young people in question are 18 years old is irrelevant. There is no basis for your children doing exactly what they like in your house once they reach 18. Otherwise any house guest could ride rough-shod over what the house owner or other occupants'wishes.

As for the reply that the OP was 'telling them what time to go to bed' she was doingnothing of the sort. Whenever the boyfriend sets offhome, she has no controlover whether he goes to bed when he gets home or stays up allnight on his laptop.The OP did have legitimate concerns about whether the two young people are getting enough sleep and this is fine,as far as i'mconcerned. She is after all the parent of one f them and has at least her daughter's best interests at heart. Again, it doesn't have to be confrontational - but a discussion,where the daughter nmight not initially agree with the OP, but she needs to be adult and hear the concerns. There might be some sort of compromise.It doesn't have to be an inflamatory situation.

@notknowledgeable

They are adults! it isn't up to you any more, as long as they are not disturbing the household, let them develop their own judgement.

The daughter is inviting her boyfriend to her parents' house, not hers. Her parents own the house and pay the bills. Their house, their rules. Staying until nearly midnight when the youngest kid has got school in the morning and the parents have got to get up for work is disrespectful and bad judgement. Of course there will be disturbance, lights on, talking, doors opening etc.

If the daughter wants to call herself an adult she can move out and do what the fuck she likes. Good luck with that at 18.

It is the daughters home too! She lives there! Yes, if you live in a family there is going to be doors and lights...someone staying until the 11.45 train is hardly Earth shattering.

If you choose to have babies, you are choosing to share your home with young adults a few years down the line, and you need to treat them reasonably.

@Catsmere nothing to stop them going to bed as I assume the b/f isn't hanging out in their bedrooms (only the DD's maybe).

@Carsarelife Do they disturb you? If they do I'd ask him to catch an earlier train in future because they're disturbing you & you need your sleep. But if it's just because don't want them left alone or want to lick up yourself then I think you need to sort that out yourself. She's probably going to be living at home for quite some time, so you need to transition from treating her like a child to treating her like an adult while still maintaining your boundaries around your need to sleep etc.

I'd say boyfriend can come round til 11 latest, but when the younger sister has to go to bed the boyfriend and daughter go into the living room. No reason why they get the bedroom til he chooses to go home

Absolutely this. This would be my rule on the matter too 👍🏻

@notknowledgeable yes I did choose to have babies but equally DD needs to be respectful of others in the house too.
She doesn't contribute financially and if she decided she was going to have her boyfriend over every single night until 11.45 what would I do then? Just shrug my shoulders. What if she wants to move him in? Just say it's fine as not knowledgeable thinks as you are 18 you can have free reign in the house

@Holybatrimony I think this would be a good compromise. Younger DD is normally in bed for 9pm so at 9 they can come in the lounge and I could go in my bedroom and read I guess.

What difference does 45 minutes make? Why can't he stay over? They are grown adults with jobs.
This seems really strange tbh. Surely it's normal for friends/couples to hang out of an evening and then get the last train home or just sleep over.
I fail to see your issue.

@Walking2024now30days I don't think I treat her like a child at all. That's definitely not what's happening.
As I said in an earlier post it's a bungalow and we are all on the same floor, plus my bedroom is near the front door. I trust my DD to lock up and if I didn't want her to be alone with him I wouldn't let them in the bedroom together.
Please don't assume it's any other reason than I just thought it late for a weekday night

@BobbyBiscuits his parents won't let him stay over. Is that ok?

@BobbyBiscuits they are not really adults with jobs. They are both at full time college and work 2 shifts together on 2 evenings. So around 10 hours pay per week.

How old is your other child?

I shared with my sister and it used to piss me off SO MUCH when I was banned from my own bedroom because she was fooling around with a boy in there.

What times are the trains? Are they like frequent (say every 15 minutes) or once an hour and the earlier train is just a bit too early?

I live somewhere miles from a train station and where the trains only run every hour, so anyone wanting to come and go by train keeps a close eye on the timings.

Thanks to all who have made constructive comments. Clearly I'm in the wrong on my thinking. Thanks anyway for commenting I've got my answer I needed

@Carsarelife Thank you. Sorry if I sounded rude. Of course if his parents won't let him then it's them that are weird. I still don't see the issue with the extra 45 minutes though.

If your 2 DD’s share a room, won’t she disturb the other one who’s already in bed, when she goes to bed after the BF has left?

For those who were wondering like me, younger DD is 9. 🕵

@BobbyBiscuits I just feel like almost midnight seems so late. In my head probably. I'll get flamed for this aswell but I worry about him too. Getting on train at 11:55 then getting off at his end come midnight and he has quite a fair walk from his station although it is only one stop. Walking alone I hope no one starts on him etc I've given him a lift a few times and left my younger daughter at home with eldest.