DD's Boyfriend

[Carsarelife]

DD has a boyfriend who comes over twice a week roughly. They are both 18 and both at college they also work together although don't see each other much at work. He lives 1 train stop away.
I just asked DD what time he would be going home and she said he would be getting the last train at 11:45pm

AIBU to think this is so late for a week night? Everyone has college and work tomorrow and my youngest has school tomorrow. I know they are 18 but I want to say 11pm is late enough and in future he needs to be gone by this time.
Obviously I'm mindful about not wanting to upset everyone and not to be unreasonable

OP, I don't think you're in the wrong at all. Your house, your rules, they're not independent (let alone financially contributing) adults, and I'm frankly very surprised at people who think you should be comfortable about having a visitor hanging around in your house that late, when you have gone to bed (or want to get to bed). That's intrusive in my book.

I agree with this. My Dd is older than yours, op, and her boyfriend leaves by 11. We have younger teens in the house and we all need to be up for school / work. We haven't ever had a discussion about it really, but they obviously think 11 is late enough too!

@Bertiesmum3 not normally no. My youngest stays asleep with a lamp on

This seems to be such a divisive issue- I suppose it all depends on the chat you have together. On the one hand, yes she is a young adult and needs her independence, on the other- you have another DD and your own comfort/happiness to consider. My parents were pretty strict with my curfew before I went to uni, and I certainly wasn't allowed my boyfriend in my room until 11:45. However, I didn't feel infantilised, in fact all my mates had roughly the same rules. We didn't panic when suddenly out in the world, and it didn't mean we were in conflict with our parents. I would say a nice chat with DD and to make sure your other daughter can get to bed when she wants to, it's a shared room so this is sharing. If they want to stay in the lounge great, if they want to head out somewhere for a bit then also great. You're not creating a Romeo and Juliet drama, just asking for a bit of courtesy at home.

I would be annoyed too.

Its not fair that your other DD is basically not allowed in her own room during the week and has to share a bed with you. Its not fair on you either.

Its nothing about age. They could be 18 or 40 as far as I am concerned. Its about respect for others living in the home.

Personally, I would limit week day visits in the house to 2 times a week. Obviously there shouldn't be any objection if she decides to go out instead as she's an adult. This will mean your other DD also has her days where she can use her room in the evenings/nights.

As they share a room, it is important to have boundaries or schedules. It isnt just your eldest DDs room.

The week days they are using room, I would say limit to 7pm-9pm and then to living room and guests home by 11pm.
Even at the weekends, I would say they could have room from 7pm-10pm then they need to go elsewhere.

This means both DDs get use of their room and bedtime isn't impacted. 11pm.home time means your sleep isnt affected by much!

If they want to see each other more, they can go on dates, walks etc outside the home.

No one else seems to be picking up on this aspect- probably because as soon as kids have their 18th birthday they are apparently fully fledged adults according to many of the loons on here today - but one of the reasons I gave for not wanting him to be staying so late is this. I would not be comfortable with going to sleep in case he missed the last train, or there was an issue, and young men are very high risk for assaults. Let’s not pretend that they’re magically independent and invincible at 18.

I do wonder if all these “they’re 18, leave them to it” responses would be the same if it were an 18 year old girl getting the last train then walking home at midnight alone, whilst you were fast asleep in bed as they’ve told you to be.

I suspect not.

And on top of that, the fact that the younger daughter can’t sleep in her own room is completely unacceptable. I’m saddened the eldest hasn’t realised that herself, but it’s really not fair to allow that.

Wait - so DD2 has to sit in the lounge / go in your bed so her sister and boyfriend can use their joint bedroom?
Regardless of what time he’s there until, this is all kinds of wrong

Agree

Of course you can ask him to leave - whenever you want! It's your house. And there are other people living there (in close proximity). This dynamic doesn't work for you as a family. It's OK for teenagers to have boundaries, to have things not go their way, to learn to tow the line. It's good for teens to realise they are accountable to others.
Blimey, this is all kinds of bonkers. Are you really worried you will 'upset' them?!

YANBU @Carsarelife It is irrelevant that your dd being 18 is an adult. Adults can’t just do whatever they want with no consideration to others either.

When I was early 20’s I lived with other people as flat mates/housemates in share accommodation. We had rules like this out of consideration for the other flat mates. We were all adults. I tried a few different share accommodations to find one that suited me and each household had their own rules.

I think your rule about weekday guests leaving by 10pm is fair enough because, of the circumstances you have described, it does impact on the rest of the household.

My very strict parents didn't even tell me what time to come home or what time to kick my bf our when i turned 18 🙄
I was an adult.
i got up every day for work at 530/6 even when if i got back from bf at 1230-1 or if left mine.

Were you sharing a bedroom with your younger sister? Or was your home quiet small so that the noise of visitors (even trying to be quiet) would impact on other household members?

So I spoke to DD last night about it and I said to her that in future when he's over I think it best he leaves by 11 latest as I worry about him getting home too and she said that she didn't want him to stay so late and even though she was yawning like massively hinting for him to go he just didn't take the hint. She said from about 10.30 he kept saying I'll go in a minute but the minutes just ticked by. She said it's like he doesn't know when to go.
Anyway I suggested aswell that maybe at 8.30 they can sit in the lounge. They normally watch stuff on Netflix or play board games so should be fine.

At 18 you still need advice and guidance on relationships.

Absolutely teach you daughter that it is OK to tell her boyfriend that she wants an early night and that he will need to leave earlier. Teach her good boundaries. This will form the basis for future relationships.

I wish I had this when young. I was left to my own devices and as an adult, I let men walk all over me. I wish someone would have give me the confidence to speak out at a younger age.

@ellie09 yes I did say to her that she should have said to him to go or when they were looking at train times online politely point out to him the train time that would work best for you both.
I really don't want her to be a walkover.
He only comes over twice a week, then twice a week they see each other at work in the evening then once a week they go out either into London, cinema, meal that type of thing. Then two nights she's here either doing homework or something with her Sister. So works out pretty well

Brilliant. You have a DD with her head screwed on thats for sure!

You're allowing your 18yr old DD have sex in a room she shares with her NINE YEAR OLD sister? Meaning that 9yr old is forced to stay up on a SCHOOL NIGHT?!

Good grief, then of course he needs to leave earlier so he's not disrupting the whole household.

Sounds late to me. Plus there's no contingency if train doesn't run. He should be on the one before, and preferably about 10 latest

Why not let him stay over and they go to college together in the morning

And sleep where? DD2 is already kicked out of her room while they use it for sex.

Of course it's not remotely unreasonable. Your house your rules.

Given your dds share a bedroom, yes it is unreasonable that the youngest can't get to her own bed because he is staying too late. He should leave at 9.00 or go in the living toom / kitchen. And you should be able to get to sleep when you want to without worrying whether he's left and if he'll get home safely. Why can't be come over earlier and leave earlier? Or is he staying all evening following college?

However, you should have given this information earlier as it is pertinent, much more so than the fact your dd is 18. My dds both have their own rooms and our house is over 3 floors, so friends/ boyfriends staying over / staying late is fine as long as they aren't noisy.