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AIBU?

To not want to do ‘nesting’

74 replies

Beautifulguitar · 30/01/2024 22:24

DH and I are splitting up. To save money he wants to do ‘nesting’ where the kids stay put and we move in and out of a shared rented flat. It’s been a horrible painful time and I just don’t think I can bear this, continuing to share two living spaces, even if not at the same time. AIBU?

OP posts:
WhateverTrevorrr · 30/01/2024 22:25

Absolutely mental idea. Yanbu

Poudretteite · 30/01/2024 22:26

YANBU that sounds very weird. How will you maintain boundaries and move on with your life? Why are you splitting - is it to do with him not wanting you to move on? Hope you're ok x

Pippa12 · 30/01/2024 22:27

YANBU what so ever!

AndThatWasNY · 30/01/2024 22:27

Only works with very very happily co parenting parents. 99% of people would hate it.

Ikeawarrior · 30/01/2024 22:27

YANBU. Just because it's what he wants to do, it doesn't mean that's what you need to do. You both need your own space.

But I do recommend that you start looking at the financial practicalities if you haven't already. Running a house big enough for your kids on one income isn't always easy.

Wishitsnows · 30/01/2024 22:28

Sounds like a nightmare! No way

Nttttt · 30/01/2024 22:28

YANBU I’ve never heard of this. Also how are you to ever move past things in that situation? He sounds like he’s trying to control you.

curious79 · 30/01/2024 22:29

depends on the state of one’s relationship but from what you’ve already described - it as a horribly painful time - this will prevent you from moving on. YANBU - follow your instinct

Greensleevevssnotnose · 30/01/2024 22:29

Vmy friend dies this and it works well, I can see it going tits up when they get new partners tho

Veryverycalmnow · 30/01/2024 22:31

If his argument is that it is best for the kids then I would argue that if one parent finds that living situation deeply uncomfortable and upsetting it will not be great for the kids.

Bluenotgreen · 30/01/2024 22:32

YANBU

You don’t have to do this. I would rather sell and massively downsize than do this.

Actually I would rather sell and rent.

Have you had a view on options from a solicitor?

Hairspray123 · 30/01/2024 22:33

I know someone who does this, personally I thought it very strange but if it works for them then fine. In reality, it won't be a long-term solution. What happens if you have more kids or they do? Are they expected to move back and forth too? It may work perhaps to ease the strain of the seperation over the very short term, the kids get used to the parents seperate environment. Depends on the age of the children too.

TheSnowyOwl · 30/01/2024 22:33

Yanbu and now you are divorcing, it’s not something you need to compromise on because it’s what your partner wants. Just say no.

MichaelAndEagle · 30/01/2024 22:33

I've heard of this and always thought it sounds awful. You need a space you can call your own and fully relax.

Hols24 · 30/01/2024 22:34

I know two families who have done this, but I don't think it would work for most. YANBU.

Wishicouldthinkofagoodone · 30/01/2024 22:36

what is your proposal to provide two homes suitable for the children? Do you have enough money to stretch to doubling up?

if not how will it work? One of you has a nice family home and the other lives in a rented flat? How and where will they spend time with the kids?

kids should have similar lifestyles with each parent. That means similar housing. Nesting is a good solution when finances don’t stretch to equal housing.

GabriellaMontez · 30/01/2024 22:39

Is he used to getting what he wants? Just say no if you don't want to. Most people wouldn't do this.

Hols24 · 30/01/2024 22:42

Wishicouldthinkofagoodone · 30/01/2024 22:36

what is your proposal to provide two homes suitable for the children? Do you have enough money to stretch to doubling up?

if not how will it work? One of you has a nice family home and the other lives in a rented flat? How and where will they spend time with the kids?

kids should have similar lifestyles with each parent. That means similar housing. Nesting is a good solution when finances don’t stretch to equal housing.

If care is split 50:50 this makes sense. But if, as is often the case, one parent only has the kids alternate weekends, it doesn't seem unreasonable for them to have a smaller house or flat to me, or for the kids to share a room.

JamNittyGritty · 30/01/2024 22:42

I did this with my ex, was always time limited to give the children time to adjust and us time to properly sort finances etc. and next steps / homes. It was meant to be for about 6 months but ended up closer to a year. We did 50/50 and still do.

Definitely wasn’t always easy but knowing it was with an end in mind helped - and although it was a difficult split it was mutual so neither betrayed or far more hurt than the other, which would make it much harder. . He was a complete knob a lot of the time. I couldn’t have done it if it wasn’t as a transition. Did give me insight into how it feels to be the kids moving all the time though.
Happy to share if you have anything you want to ask.

theduchessofspork · 30/01/2024 22:44

It works for a few people but you have to be on really good terms.

theduchessofspork · 30/01/2024 22:47

Wishicouldthinkofagoodone · 30/01/2024 22:36

what is your proposal to provide two homes suitable for the children? Do you have enough money to stretch to doubling up?

if not how will it work? One of you has a nice family home and the other lives in a rented flat? How and where will they spend time with the kids?

kids should have similar lifestyles with each parent. That means similar housing. Nesting is a good solution when finances don’t stretch to equal housing.

Well it mostly isn’t, because the stress on two people who don’t want to share a space anymore causes more problems than it solves. Unless you really are friends it’s like living with a ghost ex. A vampire ex?

The fact it’s tough to provide two sets of equally good housing is one of several reasons kids mostly live with one parent

jeaux90 · 30/01/2024 22:56

Clean break OP say no

StopStartStop · 30/01/2024 23:01

Say no.
'Nesting' leaves your life under his scrutiny.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 30/01/2024 23:04

NO.
what a terrible idea.

Walkacrossthesand · 30/01/2024 23:16

There's also the 'clearing up after yourself' issue - a STBX of a friend's daughter was so keen on the idea, but she knew he would leave the place in a mess after each of his stints, she wouldn't be able to bear it and would have to clear up each time; so she refused point blank.

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