To not want to do ‘nesting’

[Beautifulguitar]

DH and I are splitting up. To save money he wants to do ‘nesting’ where the kids stay put and we move in and out of a shared rented flat. It’s been a horrible painful time and I just don’t think I can bear this, continuing to share two living spaces, even if not at the same time. AIBU?

It's a lovely idea for the children but if it doesn't work for you, that's that.

I think you’re entitled to a preference but it depends on what the alternative is. Do you have enough money to sell and buy two suitable houses where you can both have the kids? If so YANBU, that sounds like it would work. But if what you want/ are hoping for is that you stay in the family home and he lives on his mum’s sofa or a grotty studio then I think YABU- you’ve got to try to prioritise the kids and nesting might be the best option (apparently it’s very popular in Sweden and is very good for children to stay in the same place all the time, as well as allowing both parents to live with their kids in their “home” environment for part of the week).

No way

1. you will end up cleaning two properties , washing etc
2. Its a way of controlling you
3. will you actually do 50/50, will he do everything? School runs etc on his time? Take time off if kids are ill? Or expect you to still do your bit on his weeks as well?
4. what happens when you both meet someone new?

it’s better a clean break and the kids go to each new house

The only family I know that have done this was super wealthy, they had the main house 2 kids and a live in nanny then they both had their own residences. They also had their own rooms at the main house.

Do not do it. Do not do it. Do not do it.

It only works if the parents are both incredibly reasonable and considerate people, who always put their children first no matter what. Who want to work together. If one doesn’t want to complete sublimate their own feelings about a myriad of issues it won’t work. It’s incredible hard to do.

It sounds lovely in principle but when one person is difficult or abusive it will never be a good option.

Dont do it to save money.

Posters on here love it because it does sound like putting the kids first. But it’s not putting them first if you can’t make a safe, secure and happy home for them. Going back and forth between parents is a pain, but it’s better than continuing in a tense difficult home. Where Mum is tiptoeing about so as to leave things how dad will want them. Where Dad leaves the place a state for mum each time or picks her up on tiny faults on every handover.

Abusive men also love it.

Yes this sounds like an exception to the rule! Plus the parents were probably co operative types!

This only works in two cases - both partners are amicable and no residual romantic feelings exist.

Or nesting takes place but parents have seperate alternative accommodation.

Friend who is separating has done this for a year with her husband and admitted now it’s been a disaster and really caused lots of stress and upset for the kids. Agree that if you have a happy coparenting relationship it may be fine but they’ve just dragged the toxicities and confusion out for their kids for another 11 months and they’ve been left with a right mess with both kids.

It’s not good for children if it allows dad to carry on being a controlling arsehole

Isn’t the usual model with nesting that you both have your own other space when not in the family home? Not a shared flat. I don’t know if that helps enough.

It's not for everyone but I can see the benefits for a few months whilst the main family home is being sold, it means the kids don't have to visit a temporary home

I think that is right. I think having separate other flats is pretty crucial to it working.

The only danger then is that the kids feel like they’re living in Mum and Dad’s workplace I guess!

YANBU.
I think people who advocate this are on another planet- a happily married one!

If your relationship has irreparably broken down, it's better for your kids for you to split up. This minimises conflict. Nesting would completely negate that. For all these reasons pps have pointed out.

Speaking as someone who's successfully coparenting BTW. It works BECAUSE we are happy and settled in our own homes.

A relative did this until all the kids turned 18. It worked really well, less disruptive for the children, they both would spend Christmas day as a family. However they each had a flat and did not involve new partners with the kids.

Well, what is the alternative you are proposing?

It's not necessarily a bad idea - it works well for some people.
But it really depends what you are comparing it against. Can you afford two homes to accommodate children?

If your children are say 14 to 18, in the midst of exams and teen life/drama, it seems potentially much better for them to have a stable home until 18 and the adults have to suck it up and make it work until then.

If your kids are small and you think either of you are likely to be moving on and having new partners/families then clearly it is much less easy to make it work.

It is kinda funny isn’t it. Adults don’t like the idea of moving in and out of their child’s home efficiently but expect their child to move in and out of their homes.

Though the norm for nesting is that you still have a separate home to your ex mind but point still applies that the child stays in one home rather than up and down between mum and dad.

If you don’t want to do it then don’t. It’s that simple really.

It's not kinda funny. The adult runs the home. Both in the practical sense and also setting the emotional climate and psychological safety of that home.

Well yes they may. But the emotional toil or difficulty between moving homes constantly is the same for a child as it would be for the adult in never belonging and feeling you’re a visitor or guest.

When the child nests they have their home all their stuff is always theirs. It feels like their home. When a child moves home every week or eow they are taking some stuff or missing some stuff or maybe mum/dad won’t let them use or take whatever because it belongs at their house despite being the child’s and just visiting that house for a week or weekend. They never belong and their stuff often belongs in each home rather than feeling like it’s theirs.

As an adult we wouldn’t like that and can’t pretend that children are ultimately happy with it either. That’s why it’s funny when nesting threads come up (not just on here) adults are all shocked and horrified forgetting they expect their children to live exactly that life they wouldn’t want.

@OhmygodDont

You do have a point but I think where it differs for adults is the level of logistics and coordination that could give rise to further discord between them. Eg coordinating responsibilities for home maintenance, bills, cleaning, keeping the fridge stocked, kids washing, putting things away in the right places. Even in a happy relationship in a shared home these things don’t always go smoothly. Has potential for being an absolute nightmare practically and emotionally for recently separated people moving in and out of the same place.

"It's a lovely idea for the children but if it doesn't work for you, that's that."

I think it is utterly selfish of the parents and shit for the children. I know a couple who did this, it didn't work. One of their DDs became a nervous wreck. Living in the same house but the "house rules" were different depending on which parent was home at the time. Awful.

Thanks everyone for the replies. To be honest I’m finding the whole thing horrendous already and just can’t contemplate this, I know perhaps I should - and financially it would make sense, and perhaps be better for the kids - but I find myself unable to. I need my own space, is my main feeling. I need time to recover and not always be sharing the same spaces (even if not at the same time).

It can work but it's very demanding for the parents. If it demands resources you don't have then it's not right for your family. Saving money is absolutely not enough of a reason to do it.

You’re not being unreasonable, but I’d have considered it to stop my children having to be the ones moving from house to house. We tried sharing custody 50/50 and it was so hard for the kids to remember everything they needed and they never felt at home at their dads. In the end I had majority of custody and he visited them at mine (we still had a good friendship and no other people involved then) and eventually went overseas to work. When he returned daughter tried doing a week at a time but stopped after 3 months. With her GCSE revision she just wanted a base and so chose to stay with me. Dad takes her to school a lot but doesn’t see too much of her right now. So I’d think about it carefully and how nesting might be better for the children.

I feel like this can only work if both parties are v considerate of each other, have similar outlooks, cleanliness standards, good communication etc etc. Basically, a couple that is not splitting up! No way could I do this.

Could you afford two bedsits so you each have your own space? And are there enough bedrooms in the house for you and dh to have seperate rooms which you could lock?