To not want to do ‘nesting’

[Beautifulguitar]

DH and I are splitting up. To save money he wants to do ‘nesting’ where the kids stay put and we move in and out of a shared rented flat. It’s been a horrible painful time and I just don’t think I can bear this, continuing to share two living spaces, even if not at the same time. AIBU?

This sounds hideous, I think men suggest this to stay in control of what you do.

That’s a no to both of those unfortunately. The proposal is sharing one shared flat (I think this is usual actually, otherwise you are renting/buying 3 places which is not saving money!) And our family home is small.

Fuck no. Sounds horrific.

What's the advantage though? Surely it would be more expensive because you would each need a space to live when your ex was 'in the nest'....or am I missing something.

The only people I know who nested successfully could afford three places - so they each had their own space.

Its never been a success long term for anyone else.

If it’s not going to work for you it’s far better to make the big changes now than have to make another big change in 3/4/6 months time.

I’m not totally sure but I think generally people share both the nest (family home) and the one bed flat. So cheaper than two family homes, certainly.

This only works in those rare circumstances when it's an amicable separation with good co parenting.

This sounds ludicrous.

Don't do it.

Somehow i think id resent changing beds and cleaning skid stains off the bog my ex had left often. Nowhere private at all? Sounds like keeping tabs to me. What happens when dating starts cropping up? It will.

How old are your children?

That’s also a factor. As a short term thing with a couple of teens mid exams maybe it reduces some of their disruption, but it’s not feasible for 10+ years if you have wee ones imo

Exactly. People so love to jump in and say “ooooh you don’t want to move about but you want your kids to”.

It’s not comparing like with like. As you say, the adults run the home and set the emotional climate. They make it a home.

Fair point

I think people almost never do this - certainly not with a one bedroom flat! So neither of you even has your own room anywhere? You’d have to keep sleeping in the same bed that your ex had just slept in? And what if someone wanted to bring a new partner home - you’d sleep in the bed they’d both been in?

The only way it works is with you each having your own home outside the “nest” I think - but you’d still have to be very much on the same page about everything child related, and family home related, for it to work.

Neither of you would have any any privacy. Can you imagine going to the flat and realising he's had sex with another woman in the bed and you have to change the sheets? Can you imagine seeing two wine glasses in the sink and realising he's had someone there the other night before? And then can you imagine leaving financial documents in the own house and realising in the middle of the night that he might be reading them? It's horrific. Everybody needs a home. Sharing two homes isn't the same at all.

Never heard of this. And I would not be doing it!

Also @Beautifulguitar What you are talking about isn't 'nesting.'

From google..

What does it mean when a woman is nesting?

This urge to clean and organize is known as nesting. Nesting during pregnancy is the overwhelming desire to get your home ready for your new baby. The nesting instinct is strongest in the later weeks coming upon delivery. It is an old wives' tale that once nesting urges begin, labor is about to come on.

Doesn't seem to be anything to do with moving in and out of a rented flat.

@SweetBirdsong its a fairly well established term

The only way I’d do that is each parent to have their own place and the kids to be in a 3rd one. I’ve seen one case where it worked and one where it didn’t.

And so you will clean and tidy the family home when you are there.

Absolutely not. It is his way of ensuring you don't start a new relationship. I am guessing he is very controlling.

This concept seemed to get a lot of mentions in the of late (usually in the Sunday broadsheets) and usually involved the couple involved being able to afford not only the family home but two separate flats for each partner. Nice idea if you can afford it but the idea of sharing the family home and a single flat with the ex seems like cruel and unusual punishment to me. I guarantee you will end up cleaning both properties and doing two weekly shops. You need your privacy and boundaries, do not even entertain it.

'Cruel and unusual punishment'... you've nailed it. It's never recommended by people who have done it. And when brought up on here (never by single mothers!) it has the whiff of 'You made your bed, woman, now lie in it. Forever.'

Thanks again everyone. We are still discussing it but this has helped.

I think it works for rich people who can have their own separate homes and don't need to free up money from the family house to pay for them.
A shared one bedroom flat would be hell. At the very least you need a two bedroom place and a lockable bedroom door!

It's a firm no from me!