Am I missing the funny side of this?

[TealandAbnee]

My mum has form for making a certain comment which I really find toe-curling, degrading and inappropriate.

Last night telling her about a house I might put an offer on, she said "just make sure you don't end up setting up shop on a street corner to pay for it."

She had already made a similar comment earlier in the day on a text message, so when she said it again on the phone, I told her I can't stand her saying that. She said 'it's a joke'.

Is this an old throwaway joke that i just don't get? For reference she is 70.

It stings a little, as when I split from my partner a few years ago, she said "how will you manage?" And I said "I'll get a job" and she said "what will you do, sell yourself?"

It really hurt me when I was trying to be strong despite being at a very low ebb.

I just don't get the comment but I'm willing to accept I may be being overly sensitive if that's the general consensus.

Thanks

Very odd indeed and not in the slightest bit amusing!

Your update is awful, @TealandAbnee. The things she says are deeply nasty and deeply undermining.

Don't make the mistake of minimising her behaviour. You will need to protect your DD. Your mother will get worse with her comments to your DD. I'd put money on it.

A lot of the posters saying it's just her age etc have clearly not read your update. Nothing about this is OK.

"If you can't say something nice. Shut the F-up" springs to mind...

Agree with this. I am not far off your mum’s age (62) and these are not ‘jokes’ I would ever have used.

‘Don’t worry mum, I’ll sell both your kidneys if I need to.’

I think though it's something that women said more about themselves than others?

The 'joke' to use the term loosely was very common growing up in a naval town, for example if you were buying something expensive you might say 'ooh I will be down Harris street tonight' indicating you would be raising some money via the medium of sex work.

Times have moved on though, I can't imagine anyone saying it now.

So she isn´t just making "jokes" but actively told you that you´d embarass her? And that you were "spreading" your legs?

That´s even worse. She sounds extremely unpleasant.

Eh?

‘I’ve read on Mumsnet that GILF porn is surprisingly popular, maybe you should consider it yourself.’

see how good her sense of humour really is 😬

Not a common joke and extremely reductive

This. It’s a riff based on a the little agency women once had. However OP’s mum seems to be on one track, makes lots of other inappropriate comments, has started on her daughter and pushes back when challenged.

Saying it's generational is quite insulting, it's not commonplace to make nasty innuendos to your DD.
Stop excusing her abuse, she's neither kind or lovely; she's spent your life demeaning you.

I agree it's awful to say generational-it's just vulgar!

This is pure internalised misogyny and it's really sad. If you can manage it, I would try to unpick the comments and challenge the thinking without getting angry. If she's genuinely a good and kind person, maybe she can be brought to understand why the comments are hurtful.

My friends and coworkers and family often make this and similar jokes. It's not the joke itself that's the issue for me here - it's that you said you don't like it and she does it anyway.

It's also the weight of jokey negging comments. One offs, or obvious jokes are one thing (again, I find it amusing, you don't, neither is right or wrong) - thinly disguised contempt is quite another.

Only you know your mum well enough to know whether it's misguided attempts at humour, or very specifically targeted attempts to bring you down.

I must admit I didn’t know what the joke meant - but now I do I think it’s strange - does she have form for such sexual jokes?

It sounds as if she feels she can say anything to you, and her idea of a joke isn't the same as yours. Once? I'd ignore it. Again? I'd ask her to kindly not say that kind of thing because you don't find it funny/it's upsetting. I've been known to say the odd inappropriate thing, mainly to get a laugh, when I feel comfortable in the company. Sometimes it lands well, sometimes not. The thing is that if you point it out, she should listen, learn, and button it in future. If she doesn't, I'd be inclined to say you're just not going to tell her anything in future, which would be a shame for both of you. Some people have no boundaries, but should be able to learn some. It does amaze me how grown adults can get through life being rude to others (I have a 'friend' who routinely insults me. I'm used to it and don't see her very often. Her problem, not mine.)

Did she have a career or was she a SAHM?

I think it’s quite insulting to say the things she says are generational. My own parents and grandparents do the odd cheeky joke, my grandparents are your mums age and I’ve never heard them or any of their friends make jokes like that.

The worst part is you keep defending it and making excuses for her. The things she says to you as ‘joke’ are misogynistic and degrading. Just because someone says words in a ‘funny’ tone doesn’t mean the words aren’t meant to hurt. She knows what she’s doing.

Good heavens what an overreaction

This seems quite misogynistic, implying a lack of capability to handle financial matters without resorting to such extremes. Have you considered the option of going no contact? Doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic, she should be encouraging you to be resourceful and independent not bringing you down in such a low way.

Not funny.

Now we say, “Ooh better get myself on Onlyfans!”

I don’t actually say that but it’s a thing. Similar humour.

No. It's not an age thing. My mum is 76 and wouldn't say anything like that and class it as funny.

Your mum just has a shit sense of humour and sounds crude.

Please don't think all older women go round making jokes about their daughter's being prostitutes, just because of their age.

That's a very ignorant and offensive thing to do.