Am I missing the funny side of this?

[TealandAbnee]

My mum has form for making a certain comment which I really find toe-curling, degrading and inappropriate.

Last night telling her about a house I might put an offer on, she said "just make sure you don't end up setting up shop on a street corner to pay for it."

She had already made a similar comment earlier in the day on a text message, so when she said it again on the phone, I told her I can't stand her saying that. She said 'it's a joke'.

Is this an old throwaway joke that i just don't get? For reference she is 70.

It stings a little, as when I split from my partner a few years ago, she said "how will you manage?" And I said "I'll get a job" and she said "what will you do, sell yourself?"

It really hurt me when I was trying to be strong despite being at a very low ebb.

I just don't get the comment but I'm willing to accept I may be being overly sensitive if that's the general consensus.

Thanks

This

Sort of thing I'd joke about to be honest! Think I even said it last week as after spending thousands trying to help my daughter get the help she needs, it seems I'll have to go privately for the next step too, I said to my mum if I have to sell my body to get the funds that's what I'll do. Your mum's comment didn't seem hurtful, but I feel this may be generational

So she basically tries to imply the only jobs you could do are a prostitute or McDonald’s? Hilarious.

I’d feign confusion and keep asking her “what do you mean? I don’t understand” when she says these horrible things. Get her to keep repeating her comment until she’s squirming and feeling thoroughly embarrassed.

Can you tell us some comments that your mum has made when she's said she's proud of you, well done, you look lovely, etc, OP?

I wouldn’t get worked up about it. I’ve heard it and similar many times, probably made the joke myself too. You’ve never suggested tongue in cheek someone start an OnlyFans or similar? Obviously she doesn’t actually think you are planning to become a prostitute, otherwise it isn’t a joke. The humour is in the unlikelihood of that being a reasonable way you might casually decide to make a bit of extra money.

Not sure why you’d get so pressed on this common enough quip rather than all of the blatantly nasty and personal things she’s said to you.

Tell her to stop judging you by her own standards

This.

She is a bitch. She enjoys hurting you and dressing it up as it was only a joke. My father is like this. I am now NC with him after decades of unfunny put downs and 'jokes' did too much damage to me, my mental health and my marriage. Years of counseling we are getting back on track, but please don't let it continue.

It sounds like something my sister's ex-MIL would say. She spoke in clichés pretty much all of the time and would give stock responses to certain statements, queries or just in general conversation. For example, if you said to her; 'Hi, how are you'? She almost always respond with; 'I'm okay, it's everybody else'. Or, if you asked her the time, she'd always say (before giving you the time); 'A hair past a freckle'.

I think some people treat conversation a bit automatically and don't really think about what they're actually saying or how it's perceived. Like the way some people use expletives as punctuation.

Who are you ? The joke police ?

It's just a joke from an elderly lady. I'd not give it the time of day. Put it in a 🎈and let it go

I would say the initial comment you quoted is fine (on its own), if a little vulgar. Just an old saying which can be translated as "don't overstretch yourself and end up regretting it"

The other comments you have quoted aren't nice at all

Sorry OP, the added information about your mum's comments would have made me go NC.

It wouldn’t annoy me either, it was quite a common thing to say at one time - whether that’s generational or not I don’t know. We’d say, well if all else fails I’ll try my luck on the corner. Not at all funny, as jokes go!

I can’t imagine my mum saying it to me though and she would never say anything negative about her grandchild’s hair. Now that would piss me off.

Tell her you know, people judge others by their own standards. Anything you want to confess?

Re prostitute 'jokes', they can be but this clearly isn't. My mum (69 now) jokes that she'll have to "go on the town hall steps" to pay her bills.

I joke to my husband that he'll have to become a stripper and he says people would only pay him to put more clothes on.

We all laugh.

They are jokes.

Your mum OTOH? Spiteful. Really spiteful. You don't have to take it.

It's the air of joke my grandfather may have made but he'd be over 120 now. It's not the sort of comment I'd expect from a 70 year old

On balance I think these are all just her sense of humour at times. She doesn't say them in a nasty tone. The roly poly thing was on a text and would just have been in jest as I was telling her how amazing all the food was on holiday.
Of course I can think of nice things. How proud she is of me as a mum, how proud she is of her grandchildren.

I don't know why it touched a nerve bit it did! Just me being a bit sensitive coupled with generational differences. I'm sure my kids think some things I say sound odd at times.

YANBU. I don't think she's being cruel, but I would hazard a guess her social skills aren't the best, and her mind is probably on the simple side.

This is the line I would take…

Not at all normal to 'joke' about prostitution in relation to one's daughter (if anyone's!). How vulgar and strange of her

For the things she types up in a text (she actually has to go to the effort of typing them in) I'd call her out on them every single time.
HER - "Don't stuff your face"
YOU - "The food here is so delicious, it'll be hard not to but I know my limits. Unfortunately it seems that you don't have limits yourself on saying unkind things. Anyway. Moving on..."

Her - "You'll have to set up shop on street corners to pay for that"
You - "That's a horrible thing to suggest that your daughter will have to prostitute herself to pay for something. Please don't ever suggest such a thing again, even as a joke"

You can close those types of conversation down without having to take a sledgehammer to them - but definitely call out her behaviour/comments when she says them.

You say your mum is a good and kind person op.
I very much think it's humour that she's been used to in her past. She probably is just being a bit insensitive.
My parents are the same. It's annoying, but I think it's a generational thing .
Sorry you've been made to feel upset by it x

This

Ask yourself, would you say these things to your children? I think not.

We make excuses for our parents but sadly, not all parents are supportive. They make sly digs and they know it will sting. They carry on doing it.

Good parents support their children, are their biggest cheerleaders and want them to succeed. Bad parents do what your mum does and as her child, despite this, you want her love regardless of what she's done to you.

Put yourself and your own children first and don't feel bad about it. x

I admit I’ve said myself ‘I’d need to sell my body to pay for x,y and z but id only get 50p.’ I think it’s a generational thing, as I’ve not heard similar comments for several years but it used to be common. (I’m 57.) Like the pp suggested making jokes about OnlyFans as a way of earning a quick buck. But if you’re offended, you need to tell her.

Ok thank you all. It definitely is generational in my mum's case based on what I'm reading here. She can sometimes put her foot in mouth (as can I at times). She also has quite a dated sense of humour! But yes, although it may not seem so from what ive written here, she is one of the kindest and most selfless people I know.

I think in her mind she is just trying to warn me in a light hearted way or maybe trying to give a reality check.

I once rang home from uni towards the end of term to ask if my parents could lend me a bit to tide me over for a week. My mother asked if I'd tried everything, had I tried walking the streets. To this day, I have no idea whether she was joking or not, but I did know that it's not the sort of response my friends would have had from their parents (nor my father, had he been the one to pick up the phone.)

But it did hurt, and it wasn't helpful. I have no suggestions. My relationship with my mother was always challenging. I hope things are better for you.