In law problems

[weffers82]

At the weekend myself, my husband, our kids, his brother and wife with their kids and my mil an fil all went away for the night as it was fils 70th and hubby's 40th. It was the bil and his wife who recommended the hotel as they had been before yet failed to mention it was dog friendly. Our middle child is autistic has a MASSIVE dog phobia so as soon as we arrived she was distressed seeing all the dogs in the hotel. As we were walking out of reception after trying to check in a dog came through one of the doors so daughter panicked and tried to rush out of the door, pushing past her grandad in the process, his response (she is 11) "fuck sake you almost knocked me off my feet" I tried to explain she was scared, they all know she is afraid, his response "I don't give a shit, she almost knocked me over" again I tried to explain "I don't care" this is a grandad to his granddaughter. I now feel I don't want my kids around a man like this, my husband usually takes the kids to grandparents on Saturdays while I do the housework but I just dont feel comfortable with it. He has also told my son of in the past for splashing water on the wt room floor when he washed his hands and told him of for coming down the stairs on his bottom saying he will wear the carpet (he is very materialistic). I just dont know how to discuss this with hubby. If you made it this far, thanks for reading 🥹

Ew, swearing at a child would be unacceptable for me, let alone overall non-grandfatherly attitude.

Mine made my step dad jump once quite badly and he swore at her accidentally, could it maybe be that it frightened him? He should have apologised afterwards for swearing at her though. The behaviour things I would tend to write off as different standards. If the kids aren't comfortable going then I'd definitely change the every Saturday routine but if they still like going then I'd just let it go.

The other examples are more 'his house, his rules' type things but this recent response is awful.

I hope either you or your husband told him to fuck right off after his childish reaction.

Well it just sounds like an instant reaction. Not ideal and he should have apologised for swearing, but if he's 70 being knocked over can actually be pretty serious. I think maybe you should have just said "sorry about that FIL" instead of justifying why it was fine that she shoved him.

Like I said I don't think his reaction was great but possibly and quick "sorry about that" would have been fine.

The other stuff is perfectly reasonable as long as he's not being aggressive when he asks them to behave a bit better.

Agree he was wrong for swearing but he was probably startled.

What was wrong with him telling your DS not to splash water or wear down the carpet?

No one swears at my kids; his initial response could have been the shock but saying I don’t give a shit is a massive no to me. I’m assuming he’s not reflected and apologised for this

I don't know anything about raising a autistic child so I don't want to say the wrong thing here, but what she did could have potentially been dangerous. Bolting away as she did, she could have really hurt her grandad, she could have crashed into people outside or knocked someone into the road, the dogs could have reacted badly and chased her etc. I'm not saying this is her fault but maybe she needs some more coping techniques?

The grandad was very wrong for reacting the way he did. I would be furious if someone spoke to DS like that, especially a close relative. I think even more so in this case as presumably he is aware of her fear of dogs and her autism. I would hope he would step in to help prevent a child from injuring herself or others

What's wrong with telling off a child for coming down the stairs that way she splashing water. Totally normal and I'm sure you would have told them off too if you see that dirt of behaviour. Re the rushing past...ok I get dd was scared but if grandad had fallen he could be seriously hurt at his age. Grandad shouldn't have sworn but if he fright of being knocked over. 50:50 on this.

Obviously people shouldn't be swearing at kids, but if an 11-year-old had just bolted past me nearly knocking me over, I too would not give a shit that they did it because they were scared of dogs.

I also don't think your child should be sliding down the stairs on his arse at someone else's house. It's perfectly reasonable to say 'Oi! Don't do that on the stairs, it's bad for the carpet'.

Autistic or not I would be trying to help with my child’s phobia or else it will just get worse.

I think that like your daughter he had an instant reaction, hers was to barge past him, his was to swear, neither are in the right, but they reacted at the time.

Why on earth did the inlaws not mention all the dogs? Surely they knew your DC has a phobia?

I also don't think you've got any right to stop your DH taking his children to see his parents.

One of them is an 11 year old dc with a phobia.

The 70 year old sounds horrible.

Your children sound very badly behaved. I'm surprised ILs want them in the house.

There is no excuse to shove people off your way, and particularly not a 70 yo. He shouldn't have swear either, but the way you are describing it is that instead of getting your daughter to apologize, you tried to justify her behaviour.

And one was using words, the other physical violence. 11 year olds are definitely old enough to know not to push people around, and to retreat calmly from a situation if they are scared.

@Jollyoldfruit maybe the 70 year old has a phobia of breaking a hip by being barged by an 11 year old, resulting in a fall? He was almost knocked over!

😂 he’s 70 not 90!! He doesn’t exactly sound fragile does he, shouting and swearing like that.

If her phobia was so massive why did you not take her out right away upon seeing that there were lots of dogs?
Surely it wouldn't have taken two of you to check in?

@BingoMarieHeeler level of voice and words are a measure of fitness, well I never knew!

Ok, let me barge past you, knock you over and then say, well you're young enough to withstand that!

So, you think it's ok for the 11 year old to act like that, is it ok if she does the same to a 90 year old who is in her way, or maybe a toddler that crosses her path?

Do you not think the best way forward is to work towards not reacting as she did, because eventually it will result in someone getting hurt.

This was my thought too.

YANBU. I'm going to assume a lot of these replies have ignored the fact your daughter is autistic. There's no point talking about how an 11 year old is old enough to know better when said 11 year old isn't neurotypical. My ND sister, now in her 20s, is also terrified of dogs and would likely have a similar reaction. It's involuntary and no amount of reasoning would make the slightest difference. My parents have worked on her phobia for the last 20 years and she is now able to tolerate very small, calm dogs, but is still terrified of all others and no amount of training or logic will override her instinct to run. Your in laws were stupid to book a dog friendly hotel knowing you'd be bringing DD. Your FIL might be excused for his initial reaction if it was out of shock, but the subsequent 'I don't care' is unforgivable. Sounds like he needs to grow up

Sorry, since when does small children occasionally sliding down stairs on their bums ‘wear carpet down’?