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AIBU?

In law problems

68 replies

weffers82 · 30/01/2024 08:02

At the weekend myself, my husband, our kids, his brother and wife with their kids and my mil an fil all went away for the night as it was fils 70th and hubby's 40th. It was the bil and his wife who recommended the hotel as they had been before yet failed to mention it was dog friendly. Our middle child is autistic has a MASSIVE dog phobia so as soon as we arrived she was distressed seeing all the dogs in the hotel. As we were walking out of reception after trying to check in a dog came through one of the doors so daughter panicked and tried to rush out of the door, pushing past her grandad in the process, his response (she is 11) "fuck sake you almost knocked me off my feet" I tried to explain she was scared, they all know she is afraid, his response "I don't give a shit, she almost knocked me over" again I tried to explain "I don't care" this is a grandad to his granddaughter. I now feel I don't want my kids around a man like this, my husband usually takes the kids to grandparents on Saturdays while I do the housework but I just dont feel comfortable with it. He has also told my son of in the past for splashing water on the wt room floor when he washed his hands and told him of for coming down the stairs on his bottom saying he will wear the carpet (he is very materialistic). I just dont know how to discuss this with hubby. If you made it this far, thanks for reading 🥹

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Am I being unreasonable?

234 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
55%
You are NOT being unreasonable
45%
doilooklikeicare · 30/01/2024 13:57

I amazed that OP didn't look at the hotel before going there, is it just me that would look at the hotel I was going too?

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Aptique · 30/01/2024 14:01

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

He might have got a fright at being harmed and swore! Also how does your dd react when out in public and dogs are everywhere now? If a dog ran up to her at the hotel, it could do so anywhere else.

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Aptique · 30/01/2024 14:02

Tootsweets84 · 30/01/2024 13:37

YANBU. I'm going to assume a lot of these replies have ignored the fact your daughter is autistic. There's no point talking about how an 11 year old is old enough to know better when said 11 year old isn't neurotypical. My ND sister, now in her 20s, is also terrified of dogs and would likely have a similar reaction. It's involuntary and no amount of reasoning would make the slightest difference. My parents have worked on her phobia for the last 20 years and she is now able to tolerate very small, calm dogs, but is still terrified of all others and no amount of training or logic will override her instinct to run. Your in laws were stupid to book a dog friendly hotel knowing you'd be bringing DD. Your FIL might be excused for his initial reaction if it was out of shock, but the subsequent 'I don't care' is unforgivable. Sounds like he needs to grow up

Isn't looking at the hotel the OP's and her dh responsibility though? And dogs are everywhere these day, everywhere! So maybe they didn't think it would be an issue because absolutely everywhere has dogs unless the dd doesn't go anywhere?

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Iwantmyoldnameback · 30/01/2024 14:11

Autistic or not your daughter has to control her panic about dogs. Would she run into a main road or fall in a river if she met one out?

I must be really nosy Id have been googling the hotel as soon as I saw the name. No excuses for lack of knowledge these days.

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purplecorkheart · 30/01/2024 14:13

Honestly it does sound that he got a fright. He could easily break a hip etc if he was knocked. Likewise your son splashing watering in the bathroom could easily cause a fall that could send his grandparents to hospital. Just because he does not appear a fall risk does not mean he isn't.

The going down the stairs thing is their house their rules.
You cannot stop your dh from bring them to their Grandparents house. He can sit down and explain to them that it is their Grandparents house so they have to me mindful of their rules like being careful washing hands. Walking down the stairs etc.

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PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 30/01/2024 14:37

doilooklikeicare · 30/01/2024 13:57

I amazed that OP didn't look at the hotel before going there, is it just me that would look at the hotel I was going too?

I would, yes.
Unless I was 100% sure that the inlaws who suggested it would take DD´s needs into account. But that isn´t the OP´s question...

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LadyBird1973 · 30/01/2024 14:40

He sounds like a miserable bastard, especially with the 'I don't care' comment.
FWIW though I wouldn't consider the initial comment where he swore to be at her, more swearing at the situation. And some people are sweary, so that particular bit is probably it down to shock and not thinking. The 'I don't care' would upset me more.

They all sound thoughtless and fil not very nice, so I'd allow my kids to visit or not, as they see fit and wouldn't allow my husband to force it if the kids weren't keen.

And I wouldn't agree to any more trips away with fil. Life's too short!

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Thedance · 30/01/2024 14:45

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

70 really isn't ancient! All 70 year olds I know are fit and healthy and no more likely to be knocked over by an 11 year old girl rushing past than a 40 year old . Unless they have specific health problems.
These is no excuse for the way he spoke to her. I can understand it may have been an automatic reaction to being knocked into but it was an overreaction and then saying he doesn't give a shit is not something I would expect a close relative to say or feel.

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Oneearringlost · 30/01/2024 14:46

If your DD is verbal, I would have explained to her, that her bolting and knocking into her Granfather, gave him a shock, much like the one she got, but that a simple apology to him would be the right thing to do.
SEN children still need to be taught basic principles of behaviour.
I take it the dog was on a lead, ie restrained, if it was inside the hotel?
That said, your FIL could do with apologising for swearing.
Can you get some help for her dog phobia?

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zurala · 30/01/2024 14:50

Bearbookagainandagain · 30/01/2024 13:24

And one was using words, the other physical violence. 11 year olds are definitely old enough to know not to push people around, and to retreat calmly from a situation if they are scared.

No one who is scared "retreats calmly" and especially not an overwhelmed and panicked autistic child.

The fil was out of order and so was whatever booked the hotel! They obviously don't understand or care about them children's needs so I too would be limiting contact.

I'm an autistic mum of autistic children so I totally get it.

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Thedance · 30/01/2024 14:52

peakygold · 30/01/2024 13:15

Your children sound very badly behaved. I'm surprised ILs want them in the house.

Really?.
Water splashing on the floor when washing hands in a wet room which is actually designed to get wet? and going down the stairs on your bottom which I think every child has done at some point and probably been encouraged to do for reasons when toddlers and being autistic and having a phobia of dogs is your definition of very badly behaved?

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BigTubOfLard · 30/01/2024 14:58

I'm guessing that FIL's initial swearing response was due to being startled. The subsequent "I don't care" response is due to him now being upset that instead of receiving an apology he is being given justifications. In his shoes I would be much more sympathetic if the first words out of mum's mouth were, "Oh so sorry about that. Dogs scare her" instead of simply "Dogs scare her. Please don't swear in front of my child".

Does this sound plausible?

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Coyoacan · 30/01/2024 15:01

I'm sorry your dd has those problems, OP, but you don't seem to make any allowance for age or teaching your children to respect their elders.

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weffers82 · 30/01/2024 15:05

Firstly, he may be 70 but is by no means fragile, he walks and cycles sometimes up to 10 mile a day. Secondly chastising a child for spilling water on a wet room floor which is designed to get wet as it's a shower base effectively is not acceptable. Thirdly, how the hell will coming down stairs on ur bottom to be that little bit safer wear away a carpet haha I was right behind them walking out an she may have tried to rush past but he didn't lose a step he way over reacted.

OP posts:
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PuddlesPityParty · 30/01/2024 15:12

weffers82 · 30/01/2024 15:05

Firstly, he may be 70 but is by no means fragile, he walks and cycles sometimes up to 10 mile a day. Secondly chastising a child for spilling water on a wet room floor which is designed to get wet as it's a shower base effectively is not acceptable. Thirdly, how the hell will coming down stairs on ur bottom to be that little bit safer wear away a carpet haha I was right behind them walking out an she may have tried to rush past but he didn't lose a step he way over reacted.

I don’t think you can call anyone out for overreacting

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Bearbookagainandagain · 30/01/2024 15:28

zurala · 30/01/2024 14:50

No one who is scared "retreats calmly" and especially not an overwhelmed and panicked autistic child.

The fil was out of order and so was whatever booked the hotel! They obviously don't understand or care about them children's needs so I too would be limiting contact.

I'm an autistic mum of autistic children so I totally get it.

Fair enough, I did miss the fact that the child was autistic so my expectation to retreat calmly might not stand.

I still think OP is unreasonable, not the fil.

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kisstheblarney · 30/01/2024 15:30

@PumpkinsAndCoconuts may not be the OPs question, but as she is there to advocate for her child, it would have avoided all the unnecessary stress for them?

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Gymnopedie · 30/01/2024 15:35

Fascinating. If there's a thread about a child's behaviour you don't get to the end of page 1 before someone posts ADHD/autism/other ND. Now we have one where the child is diagnosed ND with a severe phobia and over half the responses are saying that the child was in the wrong.

OP they key here is your DH's reaction to the hotel being dog friendly and to FIL's behaviour? Did he stand up for your DD, did he make you stay in that hotel or did he find ways to make it easier for DD?

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kisstheblarney · 30/01/2024 15:39

weffers82 · 30/01/2024 15:05

Firstly, he may be 70 but is by no means fragile, he walks and cycles sometimes up to 10 mile a day. Secondly chastising a child for spilling water on a wet room floor which is designed to get wet as it's a shower base effectively is not acceptable. Thirdly, how the hell will coming down stairs on ur bottom to be that little bit safer wear away a carpet haha I was right behind them walking out an she may have tried to rush past but he didn't lose a step he way over reacted.

So you don't want to know AIBU?

You want to be agreed with?

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KnowledgeableMomma · 30/01/2024 15:45

If this were Reddit, I'd say Everyone Sucks Here(ESH). Grandad for swearing (but he was startled and elderly; falling has huge consequences for him). Daughter for knocking into grandad (I get that we have autism in play here, but wanting to escape is no excuse for knocking people over). BIL's family for choosing a venue they know didn't accommodate daughter's fear. And you for thinking to take grandkids away from ILs for such trivial things (water on floor and butt on carpet included). Since this is not Reddit....YABU.

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weffers82 · 30/01/2024 15:57

The hotel was chosen my brother in law as they had been before, we were not made aware it was dog friendly prior to booking or even arriving and since it had cost us a small fortune and a 3 hrs drive there was no alternative but to stay. We ended up spending most our time in the room whilst the rest were in the bar, I sent husband to spend time with his family whilst I was with our daughter. Not quite the family break he had wanted for his 40th so this weekend I'm taking him out

OP posts:
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Nanny0gg · 30/01/2024 16:02

weffers82 · 30/01/2024 15:57

The hotel was chosen my brother in law as they had been before, we were not made aware it was dog friendly prior to booking or even arriving and since it had cost us a small fortune and a 3 hrs drive there was no alternative but to stay. We ended up spending most our time in the room whilst the rest were in the bar, I sent husband to spend time with his family whilst I was with our daughter. Not quite the family break he had wanted for his 40th so this weekend I'm taking him out

What did he say to his brother and his father?

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Tel12 · 30/01/2024 16:11

A few years ago we sat down at an outside table at a restaurant. The little girl at the next table became hysterical at our dog who was small and friendly. I would have moved to make things easier but there were no places available. Our dog tucked herself under the table so we decided to ride it out. Having no other option the girl calmed down. By the time we left she was petting her. Do you know anyone with a chilled out dog who she could gradually get to know? Might make her life easier.

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weffers82 · 30/01/2024 16:28

Tel12 · 30/01/2024 16:11

A few years ago we sat down at an outside table at a restaurant. The little girl at the next table became hysterical at our dog who was small and friendly. I would have moved to make things easier but there were no places available. Our dog tucked herself under the table so we decided to ride it out. Having no other option the girl calmed down. By the time we left she was petting her. Do you know anyone with a chilled out dog who she could gradually get to know? Might make her life easier.

That's really kind you considered moving tables, all we ever hear is he/she is friendly which doesn't stop a person being scared. My brothers dog had puppies which were smaller than my hand and so we tried that but it was still meltdown central 😔

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PuddlesPityParty · 30/01/2024 16:57

@weffers82 you paid a fortune but didn’t even bother to look up the hotel? Poor planning on your half, can’t blame it on BIL.

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