Friends dont want to do anything

[Lizay27]

I am feeling so so so lonely! I have friends nearby, within a 10minute drive but they never want to do anything, ever.

Ive tried to have casual meet ups at least once a month but it ends up being months. I have invited them to mine, coffee shop, restaurants. Ive tried cinema, walks, bowling, theatre, concert, girls night out - they arent interested in doing anything. I ask them what they fancy doing but its nothing. One of them i havent seen since september.

I organised my birthday dinner with them way in advance and the day before they all cancelled, except one who is not well known to my friend group. She even commented and said where are your friends?

My friendship with them has becomr virtual - what i mean is all via social media.

I absolutely respect that they have their own lives and i am not wanting to see them every weekend. They are single, no kids, live 10 mins away so i am not sure why they dont want meet up.

But im getting to the point where i am just fed up of having friends that i never ever see and its making me feel extremely lonely. I actually feel that i have nobody at all to meet up with and feel like i am slipping into depression. I am totally isolated. Ive tried joining evening activities but don't really know how to integrate into these established friendship groups. I get on well with the activity folk but they seem to have made their own group.

I knew a girl and she used to go on tinder dates every weekend and i thought she was mad. She was extremely lonely and depressed, but i understand why she did it now and feel like im slipping into that same way (without tinder).

I guess i am just looking for advice here. As a working adult, how do you go about making friends? I find it so daunting! I am ofcourse going to continue my friendships with my virtual ones but i need to make ones in body!

Are they struggling financially? Seems like most options you've proposed cost money. Another possibility is poor mental health/self image etc, but it'd be pretty sad if it's hit them all at once.

Alternatively they just see you as hard work 🤷‍♀️

I don't think it's necessarily any of those, I think lots of people just aren't bothered to meet up with friends. A couple of times a year is enough. Especially if they have a lot of friends - your "turn" won't come around very often.

I wouldn't keep suggesting new ideas to entice them as that won't work. If anything I'd cut back suggestions a little.

I'm more like you, while I'm somewhat introverted and don't need to be joined at the hip with friends, I do like to meet up somewhat regularly with people and find it's worth it.

No tips though apart from what you are already doing. I was lucky and happened to make a friend last year who really likes hanging out and trying new activities and places. It's such a breath of fresh air.

I had friends like this. I got fed up with suggesting things, asking when they were free, etc . I stopped, and now we don't see each other. They were free to be able to do stuff with other ppl, though.

I have friendships with some of my coworkers, friends with some other moms (we met through our kids), and a friend I met in college (20 years ago). Do you have hobbies? Or play sports? Those are easy places to make acquaintances that can turn into friendships....join a sports team, take some cooking or painting classes, take a dance class, etc. What about volunteering? That could be a place to meet new people.

For most of my friends it’s lack of money these days. Some have mortgages that have gone up a lot.

Agree with joining an active club . Even if they are not your friends you will have some thing to do and they may be more like minded people. So hiking/ hill walking/ book club/ rowing etc. People who are out in clubs obviously like to be busy so may suit you better. It's not good for your confidence asking and being refused so pull back a bit and do your own thing.Volunteering is also another way to be interacting and enables you to meet more interesting people.

I doubt it's lack of money, if they live ten minutes away it would be easy to meet for a free activity like coffee at someone's house or a walk.

Those friends aren't that into you.
Take the hint, and let the friendship slide. (It's pretty much petered out anyway.)

Your self-esteem and self-worth will thank you.

Unfortunately it honestly sounds as though they are not interested in maintaining the friendship for whatever reason and I would look to find new friends. Cancelling on your bday dinner is pretty shitty.

Some people just aren't bothered with social stuff - or they might have lots of other social obligations to keep up with. Either way, you need new friends.
Definitely join a meet up group for something you're interested in - that way you'll meet local people who are actually motivated to leave the house

That's a shame OP and I'm I a similar boat tbh.

I find the hardest part about meeting up occasionally is that sometimes all we've got to talk about is what we've done in our separate since last we last met - like a life catch up - rather than actually doing something nice or laughing about what we did last time or whatever. It's just an information exchange!

Since lockdown a lot of people have become really boring. I'm not a massive extrovert but I don't think a catch up once a month with people who live locally is much to ask and I get why it makes you feel isolated. It's a hard situation.

I don't think it's as simple as just make new friends as that's not entirely within your control, you need the right people to be available. I'd try to figure out if getting involved organised groups works for you or if you'd be better off finding ways to have fun by yourself, or maybe a mix, everyone is different with this.

Since lockdown a lot of people have become really boring. I'm not a massive extrovert but I don't think a catch up once a month with people who live locally is much to ask and I get why it makes you feel isolated. It's a hard situation.

I agree with this.

In some cases, I'm managing once or twice a year. It's just pointless really. They don't feel like friendships anymore.

Either they’re not as bothered as meeting up at all, with you or whatever. Don’t know if you’ve seen the Mel robins ‘let them’ theory but be a good one to apply here. You’ve just got to let them. I’d leave it and let them arrange the next thing. In the meantime branch out - which you say you’re already doing but maybe if you find a thing- sports or evening job or whatever you’ll make aqcauntances, friends etc and in the meantime you’ll be busier (and maybe more healthy from doing exercise etc).

They aren't proper friends, if they were they'd make an effort. Don't contact them and if you don't hear from them there is your answer.

I organised my birthday dinner with them way in advance and the day before they all cancelled

These people are not your friends.

I can only suggest what pp have suggested, mainly because it's worked for me, which is to get out there, join clubs and volunteer.

I'd also be tempted to cut back on how often I interacted on social media with them just to see what happens.

I'm probably being a cow but I suspect at least some people who claim that they were ghosted are people who stopped making an effort with a friend who then gave up on them.

Ugh. Get new friends. I feel covid plus wfh has made people really lazy! People just can't be bothered with anything now

Unfortunately I would say your friends aren’t good friends. I do have a couple of friends who aren’t great at meeting up but they would certainly come to a birthday dinner - it’s more that they’re busy or not that mentally well and it’s a lot of effort.
I do have friends I see regularly though - by that I mean at least once every 2 months, and one I see prob once a fortnight.
Do your friends know each other? How long have you known them? I have known most of mine for 35 years so they’re not going anywhere 😆 even if one of us is being a bit lame. I am also lazier these days, happier to be at home because I’ve got some health issues, half deaf, etc so I really only do things I really want to do, whereas before I’d see anyone or do anything (within reason). I’m in my 50s though so I’ve had a good time for well over 30 years and am ok to slow down a bit now.

I think it's those particular friends.
I've recently joined a group of coffee morning / lunch socials to meet new friends where we meet up and also share local info. It depends on the mix/ group but it's nice to do. It means people going want to get out socialise and make friends. There's a WA group so there are lunches in between or odd mention of theatre trip etc. it's great especially for the winter and it's local

Meant to say is was set up on SM

I think in the last ten years (and especially since lockdown) there has been a shift in how people socialise. People use social media as a way of interacting. Work life pressure has increased because we are never fully offline anymore. So people just want to watch box sets and reality tv.

I use to feel like you i felt better when I stopped making an effort. Now I have 2 friends I occasionally meet for a coffee and 2 friends I have a catch up dinner with a couple times a year.

Id either join a group or club or a meet-up group and broaden your friendships and id stop trying with people who aren't reciprocating

I can be a bit like this OP (well actually...A LOT like this). What I will say is it has NOTHING to do with my friends, it's nothing personal at all, they're all really lovely people and I love them all. A lot of the time it's laziness I suppose, I'm tired - I work a lot so the days I'm not (rare!) I really don't want to do anything at all, I can't even be bothered chatting 😫

Some of it is weight too - I've piled it on since I started on meds and don't have the motivation to lose it. Going anywhere remotely 'nice' would need serious planning wardrobe-wise and again I just can't be bothered.

I just wanted to share because you'll prob get a lot of 'they're not that into you!' posts but I know from my own situation it really has nothing to do with my friends, it's a me issue!

I suppose I'm naturally introverted, whilst they're the total opposite - I never miss that social contact, maybe we should trade friends? 😁

I also agree with pp, covid has impacted a lot on friendships/socialising too (and WFH) - even my most outgoing social friends have scaled back a lot.

Really shitty of them to cancel on your birthday though.

@theGooHasGone

hard work cos she actually wants to see them?!

Fb community forum groups are a great way of finding local events/activities. I.posted on mine about a weekend walking group meeting at a local.pub, a few years later we're still meeting up and go for meals. I've joined a local over 40s ladies group that started via Fb, again meals out, quiz nights, theatre trips. Start your own, you've nothing to lose, only to gain, I wish you well.