Friends dont want to do anything

[Lizay27]

I am feeling so so so lonely! I have friends nearby, within a 10minute drive but they never want to do anything, ever.

Ive tried to have casual meet ups at least once a month but it ends up being months. I have invited them to mine, coffee shop, restaurants. Ive tried cinema, walks, bowling, theatre, concert, girls night out - they arent interested in doing anything. I ask them what they fancy doing but its nothing. One of them i havent seen since september.

I organised my birthday dinner with them way in advance and the day before they all cancelled, except one who is not well known to my friend group. She even commented and said where are your friends?

My friendship with them has becomr virtual - what i mean is all via social media.

I absolutely respect that they have their own lives and i am not wanting to see them every weekend. They are single, no kids, live 10 mins away so i am not sure why they dont want meet up.

But im getting to the point where i am just fed up of having friends that i never ever see and its making me feel extremely lonely. I actually feel that i have nobody at all to meet up with and feel like i am slipping into depression. I am totally isolated. Ive tried joining evening activities but don't really know how to integrate into these established friendship groups. I get on well with the activity folk but they seem to have made their own group.

I knew a girl and she used to go on tinder dates every weekend and i thought she was mad. She was extremely lonely and depressed, but i understand why she did it now and feel like im slipping into that same way (without tinder).

I guess i am just looking for advice here. As a working adult, how do you go about making friends? I find it so daunting! I am ofcourse going to continue my friendships with my virtual ones but i need to make ones in body!

It's s struggle isn't it. I am not naturally ebullient and outgoing, to keep friendships up i have to work at it and it would be rare i would be someone's 'first choice' friend i think. I don't know it's being older, post covid, more people just spending evenings scrolling etc but it is often an uphill to get people to commitand agree to social things. I find it better now to stick with 'formal' arranged things like tennis club (i play pickleball, definitely worth a look locally) etc rather than the awkward of trying to arrange things and feeling like a nuisance

That's really crap, OP. Can you confide in the friend you're closest to? I think everyone seems to be so very flaky these days without thinking about the consequences of their actions. I've definitely stopped seeing my friends as much after Covid, but if I say I'll go then I'll go, otherwise I'll say no in the first instance of organisation.

If you try to see a friend one-on-one is that any easier to arrange?

As for making new friends, I second joining a club or volunteering. Even if you don't form a great friendship, having people who are interested in the same sort of thing as you is very nice.

Are they going out with other people and doing things? Are they actively in touch (like a WhatsApp group).

I think the big thing is whether they're not into you or whether they just can't be arsed to go out.

Cancelling your birthday is a really shit thing to do.

I have been there OP
People on here will convince you its normal and no one ever wants to do anything etc.
I had to approach it almost like a job- it's taken me a year but I now have new friends and a social life again!
Firstly, I joined meetup- its a great app- find a group and go to everything you can. I won't lie, it's an effort as it's hard to be brave and walk in to the first few events.
Then, I did some volunteering at a local project- again, not as easy as it sounds- I had to phone around loads to find something and again, the first few sessions were hard as they are all strangers, but slowly you make friends-

They aren't good friends. No kids, single and 10min away? They just can't be bothered. I don't think you should be trying anymore with them. A coffee and catchup isn't expensive at all, so it's clearly they aren't interested in the friendship

Thank you all for your lovely words of support and all your suggestions and advice.

I've know them for 20-30 years so i do care about them but i do feel that our virtual friendship isnt enough for me. I'm not an extrovert by any means and i do enjoy weekends of nothing but yes it's a self esteem hit especially when you want to go to something exciting happening and they don't want to go, and you see everyone on your social media going.

In terms of money. Its the other way around. I'm the one that struggles, whilst they drive top notch cars and shop high end.

Another thing that upset me is that i have split up with my husband and now having all my kids with me, as well as work full time and paying for everything. My life is incredibly busy but i do like to make time for my friends. Since splitting up, i havent been asked how am holding up, how my kids are holding up or had any check ins. In fact, when i saw them in September, just after i split, they didnt ask - was almost forgotten. That hurt me alot. Anyway there's no point of rambling on

Instead i will make a plan to join other community events in the hope to meet people. I'm not going to chase meet ups.

Thank you all ♡♡

I reckon it’s because you are now single, heard this before they are coupled up and some women see single women as a threat. I was surprised but had two friends break up with partners and insisted they come round to me every week. One was many years ago when we were still young the other was recently. They relayed how some friends had dropped them.

OP you sound like a good friend who is willing to put energy into a friendship. I think it’s time to use some of this energy to try and make new friends. It may even be that if your old friends see or hear you are out and about doing fun things then they’ll want to see you more.
When I was late 30’s I realised I didn’t really have any friends so went on a mission to get some. I approached it like dating and started to ask lots of the women I knew out for coffee, over to my house for lunch, out for lunch, for a walk etc etc. There were no disasters but a few never asked me to do anything after and three really good friends emerged from this period of time. 17 years later two of them are my best friends.

Its not easy to make new friends. You just have to keep going at it. You are lucky you don't have kids so you have the time to invest in making new friends. Join as many things as you can that you are interested in. Talk to everyone.

They'll be a lot of false dawns and false hopes, but eventually you will meet people. It might take years, in fact its likely to, but you'll get there. And being busy and out will take your mind off the loneliness.

Meetup can be good as you are more likely to meet people there who are looking to make friends.

Just read your update and see you do have kids.
Sorry your friends are so shit.

Do they meet up with their other friends?

Is there any opportunity to make new friends through your DC?

Totally agree with both of these comments. I blame lockdown too.

Sadly I agree.
The friendship seems very one sided and unfair. Good luck OP with other activity groups.
Are there any ladies that lunch groups or something like that locally?

Unfortunatley they are sending out a very clear message that they are just not bothered about a friendship with you. People who care about friendships make the effort, and if theres a reason why people cant meet up to do things they should be able to tell you straight if they have known you for that amount of time. I decided a while ago that if someone is not reciprocating the effort I make with a friendship then I will be backing off and not bothering unless they decide to make that effort with me. It feels so much more freeing rather than being upset everytime I feel let down. I think in your position it would be better for you to step right back from these so called friends and focus on joining some new groups or activities where you can meet some new people.

Are they covid cautious maybe?
Trying not to get ill or feeling fatigued after their last bout of illness?
Maybe worth seeing if there are covid safer activities they might want to join in with. Outdoor activities, meet up for a walk? Or do a zoom with a bottle of wine?

Someone I our area set up a Facebook group for women to chat and meet up. Anyone in the group can set up events which range from walking to bookgroups, theatre trips, pub, coffee absolutely anything. There are now over 7k members. You could start something like that. It all spreads by word of mouth. It has been life changing for many. Have a search and see if there is anything in your area. Ours is an over 40s group so maybe start by searching the age range you are looking for eg 30+.
Also try the ramblers, library should have bookgroups, exercise lasses. Remember it takes time to build friendships. Try the meetup website too.
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Have you only been making this effort to organise things since you became single?

Are you inviting them out as a group? Maybe some of them dislike each other!

Firstly sorry you’re feeling like this at the moment, it must be very hard however please don’t lose hope. My daughter left school with very few friends as she just wasn’t interested in doing the things they were doing and the ones she did have drifted away. Since she started working she’s used a site called bumble and has met some really lovely friends from there over the last 6 months. They now frequently meet up and have far more in common as they’re all looking for the same in each other. Might this help?

They don't sound like good friends. I'd dial back on interacting with them on SM and definitely join some groups locally.

I had friends like this, I stopped messaging them and waited to hear from them I never heard from them again.
To help you make new friends, try seeing if there's a Facebook social group in your area. I have made lots of new friends via a group for girls in my city. There's loads of them - Birmingham Girl, Bristol Girl etc and they're full of women of all ages looking to make new friends.
Some hobbies are better for making friends too - ones where you're sat around chatting rather than exercising typically. Try a book club if you like reading, or a craft club if you knit. Board game cafes sometimes organise social events.

@User3456

urrgh no, we’re not in lockdown! Walking about in the cold and wind, no ta. Or zoom catch ups, nah boring. Most of us wanna be out in nice bars drinking cocktails to catch up with friends.

I agree it’s shitty. If you’ve committed to going to something like that, then barring illness or family emergency you should bloody well go.

I don’t think people understand the devastation it causes when a family splits, until they’ve experienced it for themselves.

They don't sound like friends at all, let alone good ones. Uncaring, unreliable and just not bothered enough to make an effort. I think accept the friendships have run their course for whatever reason and try to find something you enjoy yourself and new friends. They may come back to you, but I don't think I could see them the same way after how they've behaved - cancelling on your birthday is such poor form. If they genuinely couldn't make it they should have arranged to see you alone soon after to catch up.