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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

friend's husband sending inappropriate messages

98 replies

NEoysterplucker · 30/01/2024 01:52

Long and short of it - the husband of an old friend has been sending me (very) inappropriate messages. He is famous for being pervy in an almost satyrical way but is harmless, these messages go beyond that. My husband recently found one of these very explicit messages and, quite reasonably, lost his s**t. I hadn't told him (or anyone else) about them as I hate conflict, put it down to drunk banter and honestly, (as someone on the wrong side of 45)was flattered that someone saw me as anything more than an aging, stressed mum hurtling towards menopause. BUT I also didn't shut them down. and I know I should have....(I told all this to my husband when he confronted me) However my husband said he was going to confront sex pest husband (SPH) and tell his wife. I gave SPH a warning that the messages had been found, while simultaneously persuaded my husband to say nothing. Fast forward a few weeks and my friend / wife of SPH has clearly been told something. She's ignoring me when I see her - literally crossing the street, avoiding me at all costs, not responding to messages. A few of her close friends are now doing the same. In short, he's lied to her to save his bacon and I'm pretty sure my reputation is getting ruined / I'm the subject of the worst kind of gossip. It all just feels a horrible, horrible mess. I'm feeling paranoid and anxious and fear this will snowball when I just want it to go away. I've thought long and hard about asking SPH what he said to his wife (and how the hell he got away with it!!), but I simply don't trust anything about him, and fear he'll spin this into something else. I very much don't want to tell the wife the truth - there are children involved on both sides (who go to the same school) and I don't want to play any part in the potential demise of their dysfunctional marriage at all...BUT, I do want to defend myself. AIBU to not know what the hell to do, and turn to the wise women of Mumsnet for some guidance?

OP posts:
mamacorn1 · 30/01/2024 01:56

I would leave it. Let her cross the road if she needs to. He has form. Why you would alert him that your dh knew is beyond me, and makes it sound like this was the start of something dodgy as you were both in touch with each other and clearly conversing.
it was a mistake and you were wrong in how you handled it. Move on.

ThePoshUns · 30/01/2024 01:56

I'd have let your husband confront him and tell her as he wanted to do. Not sure what you can do for the best now

PossumintheHouse · 30/01/2024 02:01

Lol. Good luck.

HussellRobbs · 30/01/2024 02:03

I think leaving it is best but it’s not fair to you.

Why did he tell her, was he forced by your DH?

Do you still have texts and your message telling him to stop? I would be tempted to print those out for his wife and tell her you kept silent as you hoped the sex pest would get the message but he’s clearly a lying shit as well as a sex pest.

doilooklikeicare · 30/01/2024 02:05

You seemed to enjoy getting them, he shouldn't have sent them though!

Did you ever respond? Even with a reaction of a laughing face etc?

doilooklikeicare · 30/01/2024 02:06

doilooklikeicare · 30/01/2024 02:05

You seemed to enjoy getting them, he shouldn't have sent them though!

Did you ever respond? Even with a reaction of a laughing face etc?

Sorry posted too soon. I think leave it now, it'll die down.

urbanbuddha · 30/01/2024 02:09

Do you still have texts and your message telling him to stop? I would be tempted to print those out for his wife and tell her you kept silent as you hoped the sex pest would get the message but he’s clearly a lying shit as well as a sex pest.

Well, she’s gone as friend anyway so I think I’d do this. You do need to act for yourself, I think. Keep your DH informed but he shouldn’t be making decisions for you.

Boomboomshakeshaketheroom · 30/01/2024 02:13

Don't assume she doesn't know the whole truth. She may have ripped her H a new one and also be (understandably) unhappy with you because of your complacency and secrecy. It's a good thing she doesn't know you also felt flattered!

mirax · 30/01/2024 02:27

Not shutting it down immediately and then giving the sex pest a warning are very dodgy decisions which have led to the current consequences. You played a part in blowing up the friendship with the wife.

Calamitousness · 30/01/2024 02:53

I’m afraid this is entirely of your own doing. I’m actually surprised your husband has let it go and is still with you. Why on earth would you feel flattered and let these messages go without challenge. At the very least you should have responded that they were unwelcome and to desist. And I would have told my husband at the very first messsge being sent.
i imagine the sph wife knows the truth. You are no friend.

theGooHasGone · 30/01/2024 03:10

You've admitted that you enjoyed getting the messages and were essentially explaining away everything he did. You even warned him rather than telling him to leave you alone! It's going to be very difficult to walk this back now. I'm not surprised your husband is livid.

momonpurpose · 30/01/2024 03:11

mirax · 30/01/2024 02:27

Not shutting it down immediately and then giving the sex pest a warning are very dodgy decisions which have led to the current consequences. You played a part in blowing up the friendship with the wife.

Giving a warning nakes you look very guilty. This friendship is over. Rightly so I'd say

HussellRobbs · 30/01/2024 03:11

Calamitousness · 30/01/2024 02:53

I’m afraid this is entirely of your own doing. I’m actually surprised your husband has let it go and is still with you. Why on earth would you feel flattered and let these messages go without challenge. At the very least you should have responded that they were unwelcome and to desist. And I would have told my husband at the very first messsge being sent.
i imagine the sph wife knows the truth. You are no friend.

This smacks of victim blaming. It’s not OP’s job to challenge a sex pest, he shouldn’t be sending her pervy texts in the first place.

nohopehere · 30/01/2024 03:23

I'd let you husband speak to him and his wife!!!!!

Chichimcgee · 30/01/2024 03:29

I’d message her and ask her why she’s being an arse to you when her husband is a perve and would she like to see the messages he sends her friends.

doilooklikeicare · 30/01/2024 03:33

Chichimcgee · 30/01/2024 03:29

I’d message her and ask her why she’s being an arse to you when her husband is a perve and would she like to see the messages he sends her friends.

He is 100% wrong but that's not his wife's responsibility, she cannot control him and I doubt she knows why he's sending these messages.

But she is clearly standing by him and has maybe decided that OP played a part in this, by not closing it down? It's also not clear if the messages were sent and totally ignored or any actual interaction took place? Why would OP keep them and warn him of the fact there was going to be a problem from her DH?

2021x · 30/01/2024 03:46

She may also be embarrassed he has been caught out, and she feels exposed. People twist things in their brain to be able to maitain face in society . I would say she is in a much worst situation than you.

It also might be beneficial for you to work on your self-esteem a bit, if this person sending your pervy messages made you feel good.

WandaWonder · 30/01/2024 03:49

Calamitousness · 30/01/2024 02:53

I’m afraid this is entirely of your own doing. I’m actually surprised your husband has let it go and is still with you. Why on earth would you feel flattered and let these messages go without challenge. At the very least you should have responded that they were unwelcome and to desist. And I would have told my husband at the very first messsge being sent.
i imagine the sph wife knows the truth. You are no friend.

All this, I would have told him to stop or I would call the police my husband would not have to do anything as I would have done it myself

I could not think of being his wife but she picked him so that is on her

But now I would block him and move on but I wouldn't have anything to do with him any more

Hadjab · 30/01/2024 03:58

HussellRobbs · 30/01/2024 03:11

This smacks of victim blaming. It’s not OP’s job to challenge a sex pest, he shouldn’t be sending her pervy texts in the first place.

Show quote history

So, the OP should passively continue to receive unwanted messages and say absolutely nothing? It is 100% her job to challenge him if she doesn’t want them, or is this a job for a big burly man to handle? 🙄

HussellRobbs · 30/01/2024 04:10

Hadjab · 30/01/2024 03:58

So, the OP should passively continue to receive unwanted messages and say absolutely nothing? It is 100% her job to challenge him if she doesn’t want them, or is this a job for a big burly man to handle? 🙄

Show quote history

It’s not about a big burly man handling it for her, it’s about the person I quoted saying this was ENTIRELY OP’s doing. She didn’t ask him to send her messages and yet OP is getting the full blame.

thebestinterest · 30/01/2024 04:10

What on earth is wrong with you? Why didn’t you show those messages to your husband?? I’m not surprised you’re being ostracized like this. You essentially went along with it and said nothing.

Mamaraisedadoughut · 30/01/2024 04:12

What was your response? I'd send screenshots of the messages if you weren't responding.
However, I think whatever you do, this friendship is gone. As her friend I'd have messaged her and let her know what her filthy husband was up to at the time.

You're averse to the risk of it all kicking off, I understand but I think when we have friendships with married couples, that transparency becomes very important. I have a rule, that we will never have any kind of secrets with a partner of our friends from their partner.

Original poster
NEoysterplucker · 30/01/2024 04:15

I deleted all messages and blocked him - but I have saved one where I clearly am telling him to go away and he keeps pestering. I got in touch as I honestly think he is a drunken idiot and it was nothing more than that, I felt sorry for him. Obviously I don’t now.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 30/01/2024 04:17

HussellRobbs · 30/01/2024 04:10

It’s not about a big burly man handling it for her, it’s about the person I quoted saying this was ENTIRELY OP’s doing. She didn’t ask him to send her messages and yet OP is getting the full blame.

Edited
Show quote history

I am not responsible for any messages I receive but even if I receive even one message I am responsible for what I do about, I would have replied and said 'stop sending it or I will go to the police' then would have forwared to his wife

It would be up to her what she does which I would presume nothing if this is regular thing as I took it to be from the OP

Original poster
NEoysterplucker · 30/01/2024 04:23

Yep, fair point. I had no idea I’d feel flattered, but having had no attention for years and years, and then suddenly getting some was really hard to shut down (I didn’t actively engage, I ignored but didn’t proactively shutdown) I do understand and acknowledge I didn’t handle it well, but I haven’t lied about someone else to save myself, and I think he has. I honestly dont know what he said to his wife, my best bet is that I was leading him on? (I wasn’t) so if this comes out, he has some kind of defence? But sounds like most of you think I should just leave it. I know friendship is over (we were close years ago but not anymore) just fearful of full blown rejection from the place I’ve been born and raised because of someone else’s lies!

OP posts: