friend's husband sending inappropriate messages

[NEoysterplucker]

Long and short of it - the husband of an old friend has been sending me (very) inappropriate messages. He is famous for being pervy in an almost satyrical way but is harmless, these messages go beyond that. My husband recently found one of these very explicit messages and, quite reasonably, lost his s**t. I hadn't told him (or anyone else) about them as I hate conflict, put it down to drunk banter and honestly, (as someone on the wrong side of 45)was flattered that someone saw me as anything more than an aging, stressed mum hurtling towards menopause. BUT I also didn't shut them down. and I know I should have....(I told all this to my husband when he confronted me) However my husband said he was going to confront sex pest husband (SPH) and tell his wife. I gave SPH a warning that the messages had been found, while simultaneously persuaded my husband to say nothing. Fast forward a few weeks and my friend / wife of SPH has clearly been told something. She's ignoring me when I see her - literally crossing the street, avoiding me at all costs, not responding to messages. A few of her close friends are now doing the same. In short, he's lied to her to save his bacon and I'm pretty sure my reputation is getting ruined / I'm the subject of the worst kind of gossip. It all just feels a horrible, horrible mess. I'm feeling paranoid and anxious and fear this will snowball when I just want it to go away. I've thought long and hard about asking SPH what he said to his wife (and how the hell he got away with it!!), but I simply don't trust anything about him, and fear he'll spin this into something else. I very much don't want to tell the wife the truth - there are children involved on both sides (who go to the same school) and I don't want to play any part in the potential demise of their dysfunctional marriage at all...BUT, I do want to defend myself. AIBU to not know what the hell to do, and turn to the wise women of Mumsnet for some guidance?

If you don’t have the messages I’d consider asking your friend what’s up. If she gives any indication you’ve been set up as the fall guy then I’d just tell her the truth. But of course she won’t want to believe you. Maybe it is best just to let it go. But hang on to that message.

Your friends dh was hitting on you and you were flattered. Then you warned him your dh found them.

How would you feel if your DH was hitting on your friend and she didn't say anything or shut it down? I wound feel humiliated and betrayed.

You need to work on your marriage or leave if you are miserable. Not entertain your close friends dh.

It all sounds quite dodgy and I suspect if your DH hadn’t found out then it may have been the start of an affair. Especially considering you deleted all the messages except the ones where you were telling him to back off. Why? What did you have to hide if you weren’t encouraging him?

If you were innocent you’d have never given him warning. Talking your husband out of exposing him might have been understandable, wanting to protect your friend’s (failing) marriage for whatever reason. But you had zero reason to warn him!

Well, I'm not surprised your friend and your husband are pissed off with you.

I'm no stranger to the 2am message from a friend's husband/partner.

You couldn't have handled it worse.

You were flattered; kept it from your husband and then warned him they'd been found?

He was most wrong but you haven't exactly covered yourself in glory here.

There were two ‘groups’ of messages on two days. First were just him and I didn’t reply, second were from him and me telling him to leave me alone. DH saw both and asked me to delete and block him, which I did. Friends husband has literally ignored me since he sent them and v embarrassed (also actively avoids me) Definitely not the start of an affair!! I didn’t / haven’t said anything because stuff gets out / gossip snowballs and children are involved. Wife was an old (school) friend but we’re not close.

Victim?

You're not a victim of a random man messaging you inappropriately. You might be on the re Elvington end bur you then gave full agency in how you respond.

OP clearly believed whatever nonsense he was spouting her (gullible and foolish not a victim) which is why she warned him. And now feels betrayed that his loyalty is to himself.

Recognising someone's poor choices or that they were complicit is not victim blaming.

No, he shouldn't have have messaged her and she shouldn't have encouraged/continued it.

From her point of view, you are the other woman her husband has been behaving inappropriately with. In her mind you are not innocent because 1. you didn't stop it, 2. you didn't tell her, and 3. you warned him so he had time to delete messages and come up with a lie for his wife. You were no friend to her.

He may not have even said anything to his wife! It may just have come out that he was messaging you grim stuff, and she’s mortified.

So of course she’s going to shut you out.

Too many inconsistencies in this story:

1. You write that your husband found ONE explicit message and blew his top but later write that he saw a stream of messages on two days.
2. You say that you deleted all messages bar one but later write that your husband asked you to delete and block the sex pest.
3. Husband's reaction is described very differently with different updates

Did you unblock the sex pest to warn him? You minimise the behaviour of this man, describing him as both being well known for his "pervy" behaviour but "harmless" and also saying that you warned him as you thought his msgs as only a bit of drunken idiocy. Does drunkenness excuse very inappropriate, explicit messages? You may want to work on your boundaries OP.

🤣🤣

You can't trust men.

Have you not learnt that yet.

she’s probably pissed you didn’t shut it down & embarrassed.

But her actions could be read as collusion. She didn’t act in the best interests of her husband, her friend or even herself. The sex pest should have been outed from the start.

No, it doesn’t. It was very much OP’s job to challenge him, and shut the ‘pervy texts’ down the first time she received one! But, as she explained, she enjoyed getting them and was actually flattered by them! So much so, she told no-one about them. Not only that, she WARNED him her husband had found them and was going to confront him and tell his wife….i’ll tell what is DOES smack of though, someone who enjoyed receiving smutty texts from someone who ‘is famous for being pervy’ and is now wondering why is friend is ignoring her!

I think this is a wind up. No ones this thick.

You should have let your husband tear him a new one. Instead you are being seen as complicit unfortunately.

Honestly I'd let your husband deal with it, the alternative is I'd have a coffee with the wife and talk her through it. Explain that her SPH also intruded on your marriage and you don't appreciate being victim blamed.

Me too, and I’d apologise to my husband and say I really shouldn’t have stopped you telling him what for and I wish you had.
for the record, it’s not conflict avoidant to put your husbands feelings last, it’s being a crap wife.

For all we know (or the OP knows) he hasn't got off scot free at all. They might be in the process of separating, he could be on his last warning and in therapy, who knows.

It's possible she's actually really pissed off with both of them. I would be. Not victim blaming, just realising OP is sneaky and not a good friend to her or women in general.

I doubt he needed to lie to her. You can't assume that at all.

From what you've written she could have found the messages. She's pissed off you didn't block and delete straight away, or tell her. That's enough reason for her to be pissed off.

The only thing you can do is leave it. It will fizzle out eventually. The whole town isn't going to care that a drunk man sent messages to someone who wasn't his wife for long.

You made a mess with how you handled it (not stopping him, keeping it a secret, saying messages were found when you had no intention of telling your friend first, and stupidly went and text him now).
clearly he told your friend something went on between you two and she’s rightly not willing to have a relationship with you.
just leave it and don’t make a bigger mess. You already have lost all your friends and caused a rift in your marriage.

Missed additional posts!

He may have started in but your not the victim she is. If you had reacted in horror and shut them down that would have been different. You allowed it to continue. He may be used to lying to her. Your husband has taken your side. It could be considered an emotional affair depending on hiw you reacted. I would leave it and move on.

I won't do anything.

Hey OP. I've been in exactly this situation. In a friendship group which goes way back and one of the husbands gets drunk and gives me some attention. He doesn't do anything really explicit but it's just enough that I know it's inappropriate. Hands on knees or sends a message later that night suggesting we meet up for a drink just to two of us.
I was paralysed on these. I didn't know what to do, I avoid sitting next to him in the pub now. And I don't reply, I think the last time I did reply I made it clear he needs to stop and he hasn't done it in a while. But calling him out was really really tricky and I chickened out to be honest. This group of pals goes way back to uni and I don't want to lose them. I'm still worried he's going to try something every time we meet up. His wife is lovely and is actually my "original" friend and I just don't even know where I'd start.
I guess I'm just sympathetic as I know how tricky these things can be.

So, you were flattered and didn’t shut down the conversation, once your husband found out you sent him a warning that they’re essentially on to the two of you.

You’ve essentially been having an affair with this man and you wonder why the friend is upset?

Clearly you didn’t think they were inappropriate at the time or you would have shut down the conversation. And you followed the script - “he was the one sending the messages, I was an innocent victim in all this.”

If a woman came here posting the same but that it was his friend’s wife sending messages to her dh she would be told that he was lying and that texts were probably only a tiny part of it, that they were probably shagging anyway and she should ltb.

No sympathy here I’m afraid, if you didn’t want him to message then you should have shut it down. If your husband hadn’t found out you would probably have ended up going further.

You’ve both been caught out cheating. Now you have to face the consequences. You’re no innocent party in all this.