friend's husband sending inappropriate messages

[NEoysterplucker]

Long and short of it - the husband of an old friend has been sending me (very) inappropriate messages. He is famous for being pervy in an almost satyrical way but is harmless, these messages go beyond that. My husband recently found one of these very explicit messages and, quite reasonably, lost his s**t. I hadn't told him (or anyone else) about them as I hate conflict, put it down to drunk banter and honestly, (as someone on the wrong side of 45)was flattered that someone saw me as anything more than an aging, stressed mum hurtling towards menopause. BUT I also didn't shut them down. and I know I should have....(I told all this to my husband when he confronted me) However my husband said he was going to confront sex pest husband (SPH) and tell his wife. I gave SPH a warning that the messages had been found, while simultaneously persuaded my husband to say nothing. Fast forward a few weeks and my friend / wife of SPH has clearly been told something. She's ignoring me when I see her - literally crossing the street, avoiding me at all costs, not responding to messages. A few of her close friends are now doing the same. In short, he's lied to her to save his bacon and I'm pretty sure my reputation is getting ruined / I'm the subject of the worst kind of gossip. It all just feels a horrible, horrible mess. I'm feeling paranoid and anxious and fear this will snowball when I just want it to go away. I've thought long and hard about asking SPH what he said to his wife (and how the hell he got away with it!!), but I simply don't trust anything about him, and fear he'll spin this into something else. I very much don't want to tell the wife the truth - there are children involved on both sides (who go to the same school) and I don't want to play any part in the potential demise of their dysfunctional marriage at all...BUT, I do want to defend myself. AIBU to not know what the hell to do, and turn to the wise women of Mumsnet for some guidance?

Honestly, only you know the truth. Your first message reads that you were flattered by the messages and you didn’t shut it down so it does not correlate to your later posts saying you have a message asking him to leave you alone.
If he’s truly pervy, this won’t be the first time the wife would have been put in such a position and she’s still with him but I’m sure she saw your conversations and is unhappy with the part you played, you didn’t shut it down, you didn’t tell her either. if she told your friends as well, I can see why some of them will want to avoid you as well.
One question I still have is why you would alert him that he’s being found out and that your husband will be telling his wife. This sounds very dodgy and if that was part of the message the wife saw, I can see how bad that’ll make you look.
You need think of ways to move on with your marriage if that’s what you want really.

I am not surprised this has turned to a mess. You should have shut it down the very first moment and also let your husband deal with it when he found out and wanted to deal with it. I cannot believe you went and warned the other husband as well. At this stage all you can do is ignore the fallout and ensure you and your DH continue forward as a team.

"Hi SPH, just thought I'd warn you, husband has read our messages, he's pretty angry and I think he's gong to have a word with your wife, I'll try to calm him down, so you don't get your head kicked in, or your wife blows up at me"

Could wife seen a message like this?

You can't undo what has occured by re writing history and picking out the parts which make you appear innocent.

Sometimes you just have to acept your actions have been poor choices, you have to live with the consequenses I'm afraid, others will be wary of you. His actions and seediness towards you could not have come from nowhere, these things don't happen in a vacuum, there would have been a look, a chat or something which led him to believe you would be a willing recipiant of these messages.

You could try to spin it by saying her husband tried it on because he saw how negligent your husband had been acting towards you, it happens, some men will find a gap in the market for lonely women. What you have to understand going forward is although you felt neglected, trusting another male is not the best course of action.

He wasn't your KISA, he was just married arsehole.

Lol! 😂

It was 'flattering', end of story. (Encourage him? Who, me? Never!)

Thanks - this message rings true I think. Re - inconsistency with messages - DH was looking at photos on my phone rather than messages and found two screen grabs. I didn’t reply to the super pervy ones the first time as I was asleep and woke to them, second time I told him to go away. DH then asked me to delete everything from him and block him which I did. The reason I warned him? we are all in a friendship group and DH is friends with him too. I didn’t want it to blow up in anger and kids get affected, and I thought a warning could help this, but all your shock suggested this was a stupid thing to do. I know the friendship with wife is over, would never try and rectify that, lines crossed etc…
anyway, thanks for all the feedback, even the bad stuff feels good to read - I messed up! I will move on without poking the best any further.

If you didn’t want things to blow up because of the children then the person you speak to is your husband, not the other man.

This has already gone out of your control lovely. The only way to get control back is to speak honestly with your friend even though it's uncomfortable...and being honest that you didn't shut it down and why. It maybe the end of your friendship still, but at least the truth is out and whatever story he has come up with has been refuted. What she does with the info is then up to her 👍

You could've handled this better. But that said, based on what you have shared, he was the one in the wrong, and regardless of this, SPH's wife is going to lay the blame firmly at your feet. Chances are, if he's done this to you now, it isn't his first offence. It's highly likely she hates a lot of other women purely because he has shown interest in them.
I haven't read all the comments but I did see one about letting your husband deal with it, this isn't a bad idea.

Sorry ... I know this is a tad off topic ... but look at you with your classical use of the word 'satyrical'! 😀

I'd message her and ask what the problem seems to be, there might be another reason. If she does know ask her if you can explain and send what messages you can. If he messaged first tell her, show her. It takes 2 people, not just 1. She's going to be angry at you because being angry at him ruins her marriage and family. She's not going to want that, but if you can do all you can to show her what a plum he is, she will make what choice she wants, but at least she'll know what she's dealing with. And silly you.... I know we all get caught up in stuff at some point in our lives but to respond to a married man, while married yourself? How far would you of taken it before getting caught. Your hubby's probably feeling sh*tty too right now, so might be worth asking him how and what he's thinking/feeling 😊

I understand having attention can feel flattering. You really should have just ignored and deleted the messages. It's shocking you are being somehow blamed, but those people sound toxic and immature AF. Sending sexy messages to friends in relationships etc, it sounds teenage.
Just focus on your own relationship, you have not cheated, you did not want these advances.

I would tell her and be damned. I would catch her and say you are upset she is now ignoring you, as are some friends and it’s not fair as you didnt start this. show her the texts so she can see what her husband has done

if there is fall out so be it, I would want to know what my husband has done, why should you be made to be the bad person here. Do you want the gossip to follow you? Oh you can’t trust NEoyster, she sets her cap at husbands you know, she did it to mine

he is an adult, he has to accept the consequences of his actions, he gets away with it, he wills start on someone else.

That is true. I always believe the first post is the most truthful in a situation, unless they are clearing up something or adding to it for clarity. In this case, the story keeps subtly changing and I wonder why they feel the need to change it.

Husband saw one message and was going to confront the man. OP warned him what her DH was going to do while getting her DH to not confront the man after all. It wasn't until later that she changed it to "I told him to stop" and "DH read them all and told me to delete and block". That's pretty much opposite of the first post. Now she is acting like it was all the other person's fault, yet she felt flattered since she feels ignored in her marriage in the first post.

Her quote: ". I hadn't told him (or anyone else) about them as I hate conflict, put it down to drunk banter and honestly, (as someone on the wrong side of 45)was flattered that someone saw me as anything more than an aging, stressed mum hurtling towards menopause. BUT I also didn't shut them down."

It can't be she didn't shut him down, and she told him to stop, as the two are opposite reactions.

Second mistake was deleting them all. Did you have screenshots?

The one thing I have learnt, the first person to speak up controls the narrative

The OP won't be back, I wouldn't think. Too many home truths have been said.

Bloody hell, she was responding up to 5pm yesterday, do you want her to be sitting on the thread 24/7 so you can give her a verbal flogging?!

Too many victim blamers here.

Friends husband was sending me racy messages and I didn’t shut it down because I was flattered…

Yeah, that’s not a victim 🙄

You've been a bit daft, and now you're paying dearly for it. Given the relative guilt of you and SPH, it is unfair that you're paying while he gets off scott free, but life isn't fair, is it?
If it were fair your friend wouldn't have a SPH, or if she did, she'd LTB. But clearly she has her reasons for tolerating his behaviour, and part of the way she deals with that is by choosing to believe his lies. You will not be able to change this, because she is more invested in keeping her marriage than in facing the truth about him. So the easiest way for her to get rid of this current debacle is to sweep it under the rug, and you with it.
You can't improve this situation now, so you need to chalk it up to experience, walk away and concentrate on your marriage. I'd be surprised if your DH wasn't a little shaken by this, so maybe see if anything there needs fixing.

Calm down! Do you always over-react like this? I simply said she wouldn't be back - and since when did I need your permission to post my opinion (like never)?

And calling the OP a 'victim', when the attention obviously boosted her ego (how sad is that) and made her 'omit' to be honest with her husband from the get-go is doing a disservice to those who are REAL victims in situations - but the OP isn't one of them. I'd say the main victim here is the friend with the slimeball husband (the same husband who couldn't drop the OP quickly enough when he was rumbled - how right she was to be flattered!😁).

Grow up, no one said you can’t post your opinion. Talk about overreacting 😂

OP received messages she didn’t ask for and asked him to stop. Instead of blaming the man sending the messages you’re desperate to blame OP.

Thanks all (even you DriftingDora 😂 - I’m really sorry you spend so much time being angry, you
must be exhausted poor thing)

Appreciate all the constructive advise and as flagged above, you’ve helped me decide just to ignore it and try and move on. the vitriolic comments and conspiracy theories are also useful to read as I’m sure some people in my community will also think the same - it doesn’t matter if it’s not the truth.

As an aside, I came on here so I COULD be truthful. I’ve been slightly vague as its important i’m anonymous, not because im
trying to change my story . This is something I can’t talk about IRL. I want to be judged and I wanted to be honest, hence admitting I was flattered and that I messed up. I’m human.

Sincere thanks for your help navigating this one, I’m not posting further as you’ve all given me the answer I was looking for & it’s taking up too much time (yes, until 5am!). O&O xx