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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect DH to help himself

57 replies

barkbarkwoof · 29/01/2024 11:21

DH is a good guy who works very hard.

Great dad does his fair share with the kids and home stuff.

However he can get overwhelmed and sometimes complains about not having enough time for himself etc.

In the past I've sat with him and thought about what we could do as a family to make changes and what I can do more of to lighten his load.

I'm happy to do what I can to help, but I do think sometimes he's just venting, and when I make suggestions they're met with various reasons why he can't do x, y, z.

This started again yesterday and instead of falling for the usual routine I responded that I understand how hard parenting and working is and asked what he was going to do about his continued dissatisfaction.

He looked surprised but I've realised I'm not responsible for solving this issue for him. I've offered help countless times and I do my fair share so it's not my job to fix.

If either of us want time for ourselves we have to stake a claim to it and take it. I want to go to the gym so I get up at 5:45 three days a week and just go. He could do the same the days he can't for whatever reason.

Aibu to think he needs to resolve this himself?

I feel I've been conditioned to fix every issue in our house and I'm starting to see its not my responsibility

OP posts:

Foxblue · 29/01/2024 11:24

I think thats a great response, well done! What was his response?

Yesssssssssss · 29/01/2024 11:26

When people vent, they usually don't want a fix. They want to be heard and acknowledged. Just validate how he feels- it doesn't mean you agree- but people like to be heard.

Freakinfraser · 29/01/2024 11:26

So what was his response. As this reads more like you’re boasting about not solving his issue and just want some kudos? Surely the key thing is what he said in response?

Yesssssssssss · 29/01/2024 11:30

So, say you're venting to your friends about your boss, you don't really want them to recommend an assertiveness course or give you strategies on how to deal with her.
You want your friends to say Oh she sounds awful/nuts!!! I don't know how you put up with her! That's outrageous! I can't believe she said/ did that etc etc.
Practical advice can come later... but I want empathy and acknowledgement, not a fix.

Original poster

barkbarkwoof · 29/01/2024 11:33

I feel bad for not swooping in and saving the day.

But that doesn't actually get us anywhere as we have the same conversation and I make changes and take on more and he continues to do all the same things and still feels like he has no time.

His response to my change in approach was to look a bit confused that I wasn't immediately offering solutions.

I do understand that sometimes venting is just that but it often feels like I'm being told there's a problem and I should help fix it

OP posts:

FuckingHellAdele · 29/01/2024 11:34

Yesssssssssss · 29/01/2024 11:30

Which would be fine if her husband was venting about his boss, but he's not- he's moaning about 'their' situation.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 29/01/2024 11:36

Does he want you to take on all the things so he has free time?

Don't do this, he needs to organise and prioritise his own workload more effectively so he has down time.

Good for you for not managing him

Original poster

barkbarkwoof · 29/01/2024 11:36

I feel that at this point I've heard this many times and while I'm happy to listen so he feels heard and acknowledged there must come a point where he takes action to help himself feel better.

I think this is the point I'm getting at. Is that unreasonable?

I do feel like I'm beyond expected to make this better to a degree

OP posts:

SchoolQuestionnaire · 29/01/2024 11:37

Sometimes venting veers into moaning which is draining for all concerned. It sounds as though he is continually venting about the same issue over and over again without making any changes which isn’t fair. It’s even more unfair as op is in exactly the same situation and managing to get on with things and eke out time to do the things she wants (by getting up at the crack of dawn which I bet also makes life easy for dh as kids are still in bed and no trouble to him - I do the same). I think at this stage he should consider how his constant complaints affect his partner too. Yes she should support him but it’s absolutely not her job to manage his moods or his schedule.

Original poster

barkbarkwoof · 29/01/2024 11:39

@SchoolQuestionnaire thank you, you've explained what I'm feeling very accurately

OP posts:

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 29/01/2024 11:42

YANBU keep it up! Be sympathetic and let him come up with solutions.

It is a bit of a revelation when you realise some things are not your problem to fix!

BigTubOfLard · 29/01/2024 11:43

A long time ago in a relationship far far away I used to listen to moan upon moan like this. The moans could last for ages and be repeated verbatim just days afterwards.

One day I hit on the brilliant idea of asking, "So what's your action plan for fixing this?" Cue startled look of deer in headlights and the moaning stopped. This became my go to response for the duration of our relationship. I didn't offer suggestions because what my partner really wanted was for me to say "Oh you poor thing. Let me take the mental load off you. And I'll take the physical and financial loads off you as well." Once he realized I wasn't going to swoop in and save him each time he actually did become more self sufficient. Later on I moved him out of my house and went on to live a fulfilling life x

Fannyfiggs · 29/01/2024 11:49

Freakinfraser · 29/01/2024 11:26

So what was his response. As this reads more like you’re boasting about not solving his issue and just want some kudos? Surely the key thing is what he said in response?

Why is it OPs job to solve his issue?

It's also not really a thing to boast about now is it?

The key issue, as I read it, is OP is giving her DH the power back to solve it for himself.

Bkjahshue · 29/01/2024 12:02

I took this approach with my DH about some issues he was having as I found that I was the only one investing in trying to help make changes and unsurprisingly nothing changed without him doing it. Since then some of the stuff got better as he realised that it wasn’t going to change without him and the other stuff I think he just needed to vent about and we both accept that he doesn’t want to make the necessary changes

M103 · 29/01/2024 12:06

Oh my god, I'm in a similar situation. Both husband and I work full-tine, I do the largest chunk of the childcare and housework, yet the husband is the one thst complains incessantly about not having time for himself. He has tons more free time than me, but spends most of the evenings slumped on the sofa looking at his phone. Then he says how great I have it cause I went out with a friend one evening. Well, he could have done the same all other evenings if he only made an effort. He's not much help at home anyway if he's just stuck on his phone.

I feel for you! But clearly have no answers. Next time I'll try and ask what are his plans going forward and she where this gets me :)

Bluetrews25 · 29/01/2024 12:17

Yes, as per PP above

Him: I've got this awful problem/situation xyz
OP: Gosh yes, that is a shame. What are you going to do about it?

Don't fix it for him, he's more likely to actually follow through and DO the action required if he's thought of it.

Yesssssssssss · 29/01/2024 13:01

It's very liberating to realise it's not your responsibility (or within your capability) to fix- your DH, your DCs etc etc.
Validate, and then stand next to them (metaphorically speaking) and let them have agency. It may take a while if you've been in a fixer kind of relationship.

Harry12345 · 29/01/2024 18:58

Yanbu, I have a family member like this who expects his wife too sort/fix everything, she took it on for so long she was burnt out, now she puts everything back to him, also he would never reciprocate what she had done with him

Daphnis156 · 29/01/2024 19:04

People do not want practical advice in situations like this, and will indeed just repel suggestions, so it's good OP has realised not to waste time on "solutions".

Go your own way when your life allows, as you are now doing, and spend less time listening to his whining.

pointythings · 29/01/2024 19:04

@SchoolQuestionnaire has absolutely nailed it. My late husband was just like yours: constant ongoing venting about how unhappy he was in his job, how miserable he was, how terrible his life was. Never tried anything new, never made any changes, just the same thing over and over again. For years. His only solution was to drink more alcohol. It didn't end well.

You've done the right thing taking a step back, OP. Let him find his own way through and if he doesn't and keeps moaning, call him out on it (nicely).

laclochette · 29/01/2024 19:08

My therapist used a really good phrase today in relation to a not dissimilar issue which resonated with me, and feels appropriate here - "you're not on the board of someone else's life".

If you're doing your fair share around the house, which it sounds like you are, then his mental state, decisions as to how to make the best use of his time and find a sense of joy and meaning in life are all his responsibility - not yours. I think your response was really fair.

Beebopwasthebest · 29/01/2024 19:30

I have, in the past, asked "are you looking for sympathy or suggestions? "..said in a kind way.

They looked bit surprised, laughed and said "sympathy".

Bluebellsparklypant · 29/01/2024 19:43

I feel I've been conditioned to fix every issue in our house and I'm starting to see its not my responsibility

OP, after 28 years with my husband this is my conclusion I’m a bit late late to the party.

Support is one thing but everyone needs a level of responsibility for themselves

Emma8924 · 30/01/2024 18:51

Venting is fine, it’s natural and he probably just wants to be “heard”. However being heard and being expected to solve his problems for him are two different things. Next time he moans about something say soemthing long the lines of well I’m sure you’ll be able to figure it out if you want some help with a solution let me know. Also I would just be straight with him and say how this is also effecting you. Maybe he doesn’t realise ?

TimeForTeaAndG · 30/01/2024 18:58

I think you did the right thing, OP.

My DH had a similar "no time for himself" moan and I pointed out that there are plenty of hours in the week that he could claim as ai already claim time for myself and DD has all her activities timetabled. He did actually then say ok, this evening I will do my thing after work. Great, I'm home anyway with DD so you enjoy yourself.

It's working great and neither of us feel guilty about having our own time for things.

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