To expect DH to help himself

[barkbarkwoof]

DH is a good guy who works very hard.

Great dad does his fair share with the kids and home stuff.

However he can get overwhelmed and sometimes complains about not having enough time for himself etc.

In the past I've sat with him and thought about what we could do as a family to make changes and what I can do more of to lighten his load.

I'm happy to do what I can to help, but I do think sometimes he's just venting, and when I make suggestions they're met with various reasons why he can't do x, y, z.

This started again yesterday and instead of falling for the usual routine I responded that I understand how hard parenting and working is and asked what he was going to do about his continued dissatisfaction.

He looked surprised but I've realised I'm not responsible for solving this issue for him. I've offered help countless times and I do my fair share so it's not my job to fix.

If either of us want time for ourselves we have to stake a claim to it and take it. I want to go to the gym so I get up at 5:45 three days a week and just go. He could do the same the days he can't for whatever reason.

Aibu to think he needs to resolve this himself?

I feel I've been conditioned to fix every issue in our house and I'm starting to see its not my responsibility

Thanks for all the replies.

DH has seemed mildly put out since I asked him what HE was going to do about HIS issue.

The thing that frustrates me is that there is time for him to do his own thing. He just faffs about so much he wastes a lot of it.

To be fair to him he has had a few very busy weeks at work but this "no time for himself" saga has been going on for the last ten years. Way before our children were born.

I'm sick to the back teeth of hearing about it!!

YANBU and I think you gave the perfect response. My DH sometimes makes similar comments but works 5-10hrs a week unpaid overtime for no reason and won't challenge his work. I've said if he chooses working for free as his hobby, he will have less time for cycling and gym. Up to him.

It sounds like you are boundaried and finding a practical solution to get the gym, when it would obviously be easier to stay in bed. He needs to take a leaf from your book.

I'd focus less on your DH and start thinking about why you have taken on the role of fixing everyone else.

Oh I hear you OP. I have one of those DHs. He's lovely in many ways and I like to listen sympathetically but I don't know how to tell him that his incessant moaning drains me and is not appealing

Does he have the executive functioning to fix issues?

my husband can’t even pack a suitcase. He can’t separate out things that go in last (shoes or cosmetics he might need to use up until the night before).

he doesn’t have the patience to work in steps. His severe ADHD brain demands the final product immediately, showing anger of that doesn’t happen.

He has no sense of long, medium and short term needs or impacts.

no matter how big or small the problem, he can’t visualise the steps to solve it and the options if one step isn’t possible.

he can’t work out family issues either., eg The need for context when the kids ask for the Xbox. Are they up to date with homework, or do they have a plan to finish it?. How much Xbox did they have yesterday.? Have they independently checked for any household chores and done them before asking for the Xbox?

maybe your husband doesn’t have the skills to problem solve or put a plan in place if it requires independent evaluation, or deviates from the norm he is used to.

There are so many posts on here from women moaning that when they just want someone to listen their DH goes into ‘fixing it’ mode. Sounds like the same thing.

Stop offering solutions. Just mhhmm and nod.

On a particular ranty day I'd be tempted.to throw back "if I added up all the minutes and hours you spend complaining about having no free time, you could have yourself a year of doing whatever the fuck you want"

Yanbu. Claiming no time for yourself even before kids is just silly, who else is in charge of your life if not yourself?! I love the phrase upthread 'You're not on the board of someone else's life's. It sounds like changing your responses to him is long overdue. With a prod to action you can work out if he can reform, or if he's just a perpetual drain rather than a radiator 😬

I think you
Made an excellent point, and the strategy is a good one. You might have made it less "throwing down the gauntlet " in delivery.

I had a boss once who described another employee by saying he’d “rather bitch about the dark than switch the lights on”. Feels relevant if a little harsh perhaps….

Agree with all the responses, however……my DH is also not good at getting his finger out of his arse and changing things, and sometimes it is helpful to intervene. For example he wanted to exercise but never found time. So I went ahead and signed him up for a local Dads 5 a side footie team and told him he was going. Just that first time. Fast forward 10 years he now plays twice a week with the same group, active on the WhatsApp group, goes to the football Christmas/summer curry/beers etc. and has some great mates from it. He just needed a shove to get started!!!

I think your response probably did shock him so was more effective .

i had a really awful year last year . The most useful person I talked to was a bloke . His response was mate that sucks . Very rarely offered any options are generally there weren’t any . It told me my situation sucked . I think men do respond differently but definitely a change of response will have more effect - even if nothing changes you have put ownership of this problem on him .

Don’t guilt yourself for not finding solutions to a grown man’s problems

I think your response was spot on OP. If you are the person doing a lot of the home stuff while you are both working then don't let him add to that by making you responsible for sorting his downtime/ social engagements!

Sure let him vent sometimes but why should you listen to prolonged moaning about something he needs to fix?

@MrsZargon I've tried to give him the kind shove but it's no use unfortunately.

He is very busy with work etc. but is spending all his down time doing unpaid overtime and any time he does take for himself is home based. He plays the drums or does some type of spreadsheet thing he enjoys 🫠

He doesn't make plans with other people and that's part of the issue.

Just this morning he was saying he's been nowhere all week. Out of habit I said oh why don't you play rugby a bit more. He responded he's waiting for so and so to contact him about a vets team - it's been months!

I suggested he just contact them himself and say he knows so and so to make the connection and that he's really keen.

This is met with hmmmm, yeah, it's not that easy.

I despair 😩

Slightly different though when you're venting about a third party rather than to your wife about your shared domestic duties and shared offspring.

I saw something a few weeks ago which said “Try substituting I don’t have time with it’s not a priority”. It really points out the mindset shift and makes them realise that these things are actually in their control…I find prioritising tasks quite easy but that is something my DP struggles with so I offer to help with that but try to stop myself from actually taking on the tasks unless it’s very short term relief!

It's possible to be so willing to 'fix things' that you decrease other person's ability to manage. My DH was 30 years my senior and from the start I was eager to save him any disturbance. This was a cultural thing. Then one day he told me, very aggrieved, that I had taken his self-reliance. I had given and he had taken, both with equal pleasure but it had not been to equal benefit. As time passed, I had felt fine and he had felt emasculated.
You are right to step back. It will be better for you and for him.

I have to say I love your post and it’s honesty and I don’t have the answer! You’re (to me) doing what you can! I’m the main house person whilst also working full time ( my full time hours are less than his) however in my free time I contribute. I only realise this as I’m typing but I leave ‘man’ jobs to him until recently! Now I’m doing the man jobs and the woman jobs (which exceed the 5 extra hours! I don’t know the answer! I feel like I’ve just vented! I feel
like we’re both (you and I) speaking to the wrong people about this

I hear you op. I have a moaner but I now refuse to listen. It's the same old and I don't actually think he wants to fix any of the issues - if he was no longer the victim I think he'd wonder who he was and he certainly would t have anything to talk about.

No real help as I haven't solved the issue but I refuse to engage.

You will find this behaviour described in https://www.amazon.co.uk/Games-People-Play-Psychology-Relationships/dp/0141040270
It’s a book from way back but your DH’s behaviour is one of several described in it. Basically he’s using the ‘yes but’ response which shifts responsibility away from himself.

I don't know how many guys are on mumsnet. Or even if I'm allowed to reply. But I was a single part time parent to my 6 year old (we have a 50/50 custody thing with his mum)
Recently my gf moved in with us, and I can relate to your post, I literally have no time to myself. We're either all together as a family. Or I'm at work. (Trying to earn a month's salary, in the two weeks that I don't have my boy.
I have no me time. I'm OK ish with it. But sometimes feel I just want to be alone.
Sorry. I don't really know what the answer is to your post. But maybe just show your partner this thread. Acknowledge him. (Sounds like you have) show appreciation. Share the burden (I know that you do all that already) maybe even ask him to go out with his mates so you can be home with the kids alone to force the issue.
Good luck. You sound like a great team

You did the right thing ,my husband is good but loves being a martyr,you won't change him, change how react,it's his choice.My husband had an over controling mother you told him how to live,could be the reason

He has to figure it out on his own, because you're not his mum. It's really unattractive to feel like you have to fix all his problems for him, how can you maintain that spark with him?

YANBU.
You heard him. You empathised. You have clearly offered support in the past which is why he came to you to vent.

I think it's a him issue which he can work through and knows you will support him.

If it it mental health related there is help and advice specifically for.men out there.

If it is just he's tired of adulting and parenting and husbanding, the solution is to work smarter not harder. You've said it- you are not the one stop solution to your household woes. He's an adult. Not a child. Of course you'd be happy to support him in any discussions, but your plate is full. Perhaps some solutions could make it easier for both of you. You are his partner, not his genie in the bottle, his solution is not to release from all these roles and you take that up in addition to your full load, but to find a way together. Say to him explore the work options and we'll explore the parenting and domestic things that we do together to see what can be done to release us both to have some free time. He does need to understand that you are there to support him, but not to shoulder his contribution on a regular basis.

Well done for realising this. It is an epiphany ! YANBU

Sounds like you lack empathy, you have a very blasé attitude towards your partner.
A relationship needs both partners to compensate for their strengths/weaknesses.
Feeling overwhelmed can lead to various other issues....