To expect DH to help himself

[barkbarkwoof]

DH is a good guy who works very hard.

Great dad does his fair share with the kids and home stuff.

However he can get overwhelmed and sometimes complains about not having enough time for himself etc.

In the past I've sat with him and thought about what we could do as a family to make changes and what I can do more of to lighten his load.

I'm happy to do what I can to help, but I do think sometimes he's just venting, and when I make suggestions they're met with various reasons why he can't do x, y, z.

This started again yesterday and instead of falling for the usual routine I responded that I understand how hard parenting and working is and asked what he was going to do about his continued dissatisfaction.

He looked surprised but I've realised I'm not responsible for solving this issue for him. I've offered help countless times and I do my fair share so it's not my job to fix.

If either of us want time for ourselves we have to stake a claim to it and take it. I want to go to the gym so I get up at 5:45 three days a week and just go. He could do the same the days he can't for whatever reason.

Aibu to think he needs to resolve this himself?

I feel I've been conditioned to fix every issue in our house and I'm starting to see its not my responsibility

@Bensongary I don't get that at all from the OP

I think it is easy when you are the "child manager" especially if you work reduced hours to become the "household manager" and from there the "other adult manager" to a point where these other adults - be that partner, parents or other household/extended family members - somehow loose the ability to think things through and do things for themselves (despite retaining this ability at work) and are some what put out when you don't immediately fix things for them.

Oh, I get this. Sometimes, venting is fine and it's reasonable and you are 100% there to support. Both DH and I vent sometimes and the other one listens and sympathises.

But sometimes, these sort of comments are annoying because 1. there's an expectation that YOU will do more so that he can do LESS and 2. the thing he's whinging about isn't actually true - there's plenty of time for him to have time to himself but instead he faffs about or doesn't use it or can't be bothered to make an effort.

My sympathy dries up in those situations. Both DH and I, when we were fully in the trenches, found ourselves being a bit like this. ie resenting we didn't seem to have time to ourselves, but realising that part of it was that we weren't making the effort. It's better now because we try harder and are more mindful of downtime. A few weeks ago, after a crazy Christmas when we had guests and DH was working, I took the kids out for the day so DH could have some downtime. But he wasted it. But he didn't whine to me - he said afterwards that he was cross with himself because he absolutely HAD this time and didn't take advantage of it. And has been much better since as it was a wake up for him.

Wow! So ... I'm a man. I would leave you NOW if you treated me like this. For God's sake, he needs help! And you just seem - to him - like you're not even interested. What's the matter with you? If you don't want to have to support him - support each other - just tell him and let him get out of the situation you're putting him in. Just my perspective ...

Did you miss the bits in the OP where she has already tried to help and he just says xyz reasons why not?

Your so clever.
You stopped trying to fix his troubles and said ok, you have this problem, how do you want to fix it? No wonder he had a shocked expression, he suddenly had to see only he can sort it.

I have a similar issue with my dh, he has hobbies but he doesn't really have any friends so when he says he wants time to do stuff he means with me, which I'd like to do too but we have children to think of! I do stuff with friends when I can but he seems jealous that I get this time out that he doesn't, but I can't magic him some friends or always sort out childcare. Maybe I'm a bit mean.