Warning a woman about a man's background

[Twistedex]

I've heard through friends that my abusive ex-partner has moved in with his new girlfriend and her two young children. She clearly has no idea of what he's done or what he's capable of, and it makes me feel sick that this woman has him living in her home completely unawares.

I had to report him to the police for rape, sexual assault, stalking and harassment, and suffered emotional abuse, jealously and controlling behaviour. As is so often the case, the police decided there wasn't enough evidence to even send it to the CPS, so he got away with it all.

He has a history of these behaviours that go right back to his teenage years, when he used to steal his female friends' and friends' mums' underwear to masturbate with (he told me this while we were together, as though it were funny).

He also subjected at least one other girlfriend to the same as he put me through, although he didn't rape her.

Would you even consider contacting his new girlfriend in some way to warn her? I keep wondering, if if was some other women trying to warn me, would I have listened or just written her off as a jealous ex? I don't know what to do.

I think I would even just anonymously if you can. It might not. E enough to get her to leave him but it might plant a seed and then when (if) the abuse starts it may help her to leave him sooner.

Do you have any mutual friends with this woman that you can talk to about it or is she a total stranger?

She's a total stranger to me, but now friends with mutual friends (if that makes sense?) I can't understand why they haven't said anything to her to be honest... what kind of people, women especially, knowingly lets a woman move a rapist in with her and her children?

Are you certain they haven’t tried to warn her?

No I wouldn’t but I don’t police my exes relationships

@TeaKitten No, to be fair, I don't know - but knowing the kind of people they are, I think it's unlikely they will have done.

I think she’ll either not believe you because she believes the psycho ex story or your friends believe no court case = not guilty (sorry)

Protect your self. Don't allow yourself to be dragged in or suffer any consequences. But agreed she should be warned if possible. Is there anyone you trust to do this via a friend of a friend, without bringing your name into it?

What a strange response to worrying about another woman and her children's welfare and safety...

I’d ask them if she knows. If they’ve warned her and she doesn’t care then I wouldn’t put my safety at risk to warn a stranger. And you can’t follow his relationships forever to warn people.

Possibly... I have a friend that might be willing to do this, but I don't know that I trust her entirely.

No it isn’t strange and are you sure this is about protecting her and not about you? You seem overly invested in your exes life I wouldn’t even know who my ex was dating maybe move on?

You're right, I can't, and I really don't want to put myself in a position where he might contact me again. I'm just so worried, especially for her children... he fucked up my daughter for a long time and she's still scared that he'll turn up outside the house again.

He will have already laid the 'psycho ex' groundwork, and any warning you give will play into that, and invite him back into your life.

The best thing you can do here is protect yourself, and keep the peace in your life.

I'd really really want to know.

Is there any chance this information would show up through Clare's Law? Could you ask mutual friend to suggest she makes a request via CL as it's in her and her kids' best interests?

''@GaroTheMushroom

No I wouldn’t but I don’t police my exes relationships''

What a nasty little comment...

I assume you are OK with men with a history of abusing women? You think he should just be able to continue doing it with yet another woman? Vile...

Back to you OP: I would want to know if I was that woman.

Maybe drop her a private message on social media and you can keep it anonymous if you want. At least she might be more alert to any potential red flags. There are also children in the mix and you really don't want them to end up with an abusive step dad...

Do not bother. She will just have been manipulated by him and regard you as crazy. You are not responsible and she is a grown adult. You did the responsible thing by reporting it.

It's not an intelligence issue, it's about their relationship. Don't take it on.

Entirely sure, I don't want anything to do with him and actively avoid areas where he might show up. A mutual friend told me about this last night and it's be playing on my mind ever since.

Are you honestly saying, if you'd been in my position, that you wouldn't be concerned for new people he's connected to - especially children? This wasn't just a messy break up, he put me through hell and only stopped when the police took him in for questioning.

How ridiculous, so you think you can make them stay single? They are going to meet someone else best thing you can do is get on with your own life as there is no law that means he has to remain single for the rest of his life so you can’t waste your life trying to sabotage every relationship he gets into. Move on.

Then I wouldn’t put her in a position where that might happen, and it’s entirely likely if you contact him. It’s being selfish for the right reasons. Her friends are responsible for telling her, you are responsible for yourself and your own loved ones.

If there are children involved notify social services. That way you don’t have to get personally involved.

Are you actually OK? Do you struggle with reading comprehension, or have you just scuttled out from your dank little bridge?

Why don't you trust her?

I agree that asking a friend to talk to her about it might be best.

It's easy to say "she won't believe you, don't bother", but it's really hard to just sit with that information and do nothing, knowing exactly the severity of abuse this woman and her children are in for. I've been there so I really empathise. It's a really horrible and helpless feeling.

At least if you ask a friend to talk to her instead, you don't have to get personally involved but she will hopefully still be warned.

Thank you, I hadn't even considered that.

I'm not sure, as he wasn't only questioned and not charged with anything.

That would be the best thing to do if Clare's Law would flag up his past, thank you.