Warning a woman about a man's background

[Twistedex]

I've heard through friends that my abusive ex-partner has moved in with his new girlfriend and her two young children. She clearly has no idea of what he's done or what he's capable of, and it makes me feel sick that this woman has him living in her home completely unawares.

I had to report him to the police for rape, sexual assault, stalking and harassment, and suffered emotional abuse, jealously and controlling behaviour. As is so often the case, the police decided there wasn't enough evidence to even send it to the CPS, so he got away with it all.

He has a history of these behaviours that go right back to his teenage years, when he used to steal his female friends' and friends' mums' underwear to masturbate with (he told me this while we were together, as though it were funny).

He also subjected at least one other girlfriend to the same as he put me through, although he didn't rape her.

Would you even consider contacting his new girlfriend in some way to warn her? I keep wondering, if if was some other women trying to warn me, would I have listened or just written her off as a jealous ex? I don't know what to do.

Thank you for being so understanding, you and a lot of other posters speak a lot of sense and I really appreciate it.

Clare's Law shows up convictions, cautions, reprimands and final warnings...so hopefully something would show up on him.

Unlike a pp I think people stop being entitled to relationships (particularly when children are involved) when they choose to rape and sexually abuse and that potential victims have a right to know before they or their children get raped or abused.

I think a mutual friend telling her that he treated an ex very badly might be the best way to get her attention, and get her to pay attention to red flags when they start to appear.

I think a message directly from you, or an anonymous message, could be dismissed as jealous ex, and as others have said, he'll have got his defence in early and told her that you're crazy.

You are really decent to care about her and her kids, but you're not going to be able to save her from him, only she can do that. You need to look after yourself and your daughter and continue to keep this man out of your life.

I think if I was in your position I would tell her but you also need to be prepared for backlash. What she does with the information you provide is up to her and you need to be okay with just letting go at that point I think.

Would the police contact her to alert her? They will do in some cases, it depends on the severity.

There seems to be plenty a mumsnet yet that does exactly that.

Oddly though, I don't see it so much in real life.

Are you feeling ok?

Did you read the part in OP’s post when she said that he had RAPED her?

And she’s worried about another woman and her children going through the same horrific ordeal and your response is…

’She probably wants him back?’

Wow…Just Wow.

Sadly, as he wasn't charged I'd assume she is thinking you lied about it.

Tried and failed, I wrongly assumed she didn't know he was on bail for rape and had been arrested several times for DV CSA and aggravated assault turns out she knows she doesn't care she quit her job to support him (his arrests were a barrier due to a morality clause?) moved him in with her and her children moved away with him kept moving around with him getting job after job to support him so he doesn't have to work to pay child support for his child

So yeah she seems a perfect match for him

This. And massive respect for getting yourself out of such a horrible situation. Congratulations on being a survivor ❤️

Just don't go there. The chances are you have been described as mentally ill etc.

There are lots of women who will believe men like this; some of them will just think you are jealous or want him back.

Save yourself. It's a really impressive thing you have done.

The woman who turns a deaf ear to abuse is a lot more common than you think. Some of them are posting on here. A lot of them are in denial. A few are kidding themselves they can hang for money and the children don't suffer.

None of which is on you - I wish you the best of luck.

This is such a difficult one but no, I wouldnt. My reasons would be:

1. It might put me at risk again- it would be pretty obvious who did it
2. If he's one of those superficially charming abusers, he'll have convinced her you're jealous and the "crazy ex" and it will confirm to her he's right. It will push the two of them even more together against you.
3. Even if she did leave him, he'll immediately move onto someone else and you cant warn everyone he dates as then you'll be constantly contacting people every month or so

I know it's awful but I would stay well out of this. I don't think the outcome is likely to end well

I understand you, Twistedex, and I too would be concerned.

It's important that this woman does find out but I don't think it would go down well coming from you. If there is a mutual friend, preferably a couple of them, and/or a previous girlfriend of his, who would be prepared to tell her, she would be more likely to listen.

You take care of yourself.

There are children
If there are police records contact social services children safeguarding

Definitely instigate Clare’s Law. Google it. You can do this online. You will need specific information such as current gf name and address.
you might save her life.

Btw I just wouldn't get your friends involved in this either, mutual or not. It is likely to hurt you if they don't agree with you or if they do, and try to warn, then you will also face repercussions. This is the reason they have said nothing.

This happens all the time. It's really only in television dramas or online that people front these things out. Real life is not like that. If it were, you would not need things like Claire's Law.

I would send her an anonymous note just encouraging her to do a Claires law. That's all I'd do. Keep it factual. Emotions out of it.

No no no do not contact her for your own safety. You can contact the police though and make them aware of his new gf and leave it to them if they feel they want to let her know the information.

Move on from being raped, securely abused and stalked, from being one of many subjected to that by that man.
Excellent advice.

Raped? Hey, move on ladies! Nothing to see here.

I'd want to make sure every woman knew what he was.

You could contact the police and explain the situation- that your his ex and you are aware he’s in a new relationship. They would have his past history on record. Pass her address and details and they can contact her and go through the Clare’s Law with her. You can remain anonymous however I’m sure she’d know where the tip off came from. At least you are doing your best to prevent another woman going through what you did and her kids from witnessing it. If she were to knowingly stay in a relationship with a domestic violence perpetrator, social services may have something to say.

I once told the woman. My ex sounds similar to yours. She took all the information and was really lovely. Broke up with him etc, they got back together a few months later. She knows the information and details. I can't do anymore than that.

If I had the time again I would do it anonymously, I think he probably talked her round as me being the crazy ex.

Only he was never prosecuted so it’s her word against his and she will just look like the ‘crazy ex’

From what you’ve described he’s done to you, I would keep well away from the situation. I wouldn’t tell her directly or indirectly. No way to Chinese whispers via friends and also no to a social services referral. After all if SS come, there’s actually no conviction and the kids will look fine and it’ll be “bitter psycho ex”.

You reported him. This current situation is not on you. It’s on the police. You need to prioritise yourself and your dc. What’s stopping him killing you if he thinks you had any hand in wrecking his current relationship?

@GaroTheMushroom

''How ridiculous, so you think you can make them stay single? They are going to meet someone else best thing you can do is get on with your own life as there is no law that means he has to remain single for the rest of his life so you can’t waste your life trying to sabotage every relationship he gets into. Move on.''

Missing the point entirely.

This is about women supporting other women and doing what they can to avoid someone else ending up sharing their life with an abuser.

Of course the OP cannot, and I am sure doesn't want to, have to warn every woman he comes across. The OP tried to get the police to stop him but they did sod all...so it is completely understandable that she would want to at least warn this woman, who has kids, to give her a chance not to get trapped in an abusive relationship then she can get on with rebuilding her life.

And by the way telling someone who has been raped to just 'move on' is again absolutely inappropriate.

I would make an anonymous report to social services that that a dangerous man has moved in with a woman and her two children.