Warning a woman about a man's background

[Twistedex]

I've heard through friends that my abusive ex-partner has moved in with his new girlfriend and her two young children. She clearly has no idea of what he's done or what he's capable of, and it makes me feel sick that this woman has him living in her home completely unawares.

I had to report him to the police for rape, sexual assault, stalking and harassment, and suffered emotional abuse, jealously and controlling behaviour. As is so often the case, the police decided there wasn't enough evidence to even send it to the CPS, so he got away with it all.

He has a history of these behaviours that go right back to his teenage years, when he used to steal his female friends' and friends' mums' underwear to masturbate with (he told me this while we were together, as though it were funny).

He also subjected at least one other girlfriend to the same as he put me through, although he didn't rape her.

Would you even consider contacting his new girlfriend in some way to warn her? I keep wondering, if if was some other women trying to warn me, would I have listened or just written her off as a jealous ex? I don't know what to do.

I suppose it depends if you genuinely worry about a random stranger you've never met. Are you going to worry about every single person he gets into a relationship with and feel duty bound to have to 'warn' them about him again and again, or is it healthier to just get on with your own life and not provoke a predictable reaction from him?

Exactly. You can’t stop him from getting into a relationship and he is going to at some point he won’t stay single forever so are you going to spend the rest of your life warning women about him or get on with your own life? If he was not convicted of anything I don’t even think the police or ss would get involved here tbh

I understand your impulse to do this, it's a kind impulse because you are clearly a good person. I think it would be a good thing to do IF you can do it safely. Don't put yourself at risk though, if it's possible she might tell him and he might hurt you in revenge.

Don't feel you HAVE to warn her - he and only he is responsible for the abuse he perpetrates.

Good luck on your healing journey OP. Thank God you are free or this monster.

Completely understand the want to warn her.

But, where does it end? are you going to keep tabs on him for the rest of his life and warn every girlfriend he has. This is going to be impossible to do and it will mean you'll have to constantly be checking his social media or with friends to find out who he is dating. This isnt going to be healthy for you, you need a complete mental and physical break from this man and worrying about his next partner means you are effectively still emotionally tied to him in some form, even if its only in your mind worrying about his next partner. For your own mental health I really think you need to step away from this.

Any mutual friends must still be friends with him and still socialise with him or how would they know her?

If they know what he did and are still friends with him they are not your friends so talking to them about it won't help her.

I would report anonymously to social services. They will contact the police and refer the case to MARAC . The decision of that meeting might be for the police to inform the woman that she is at risk. Only professionals make the decision. Takes it out of your hands

Clares law, and SS won't show/do anything.

He got interviewed and no charges were brought.

He is likely to be in the absolutely charming stages of being a loving and doting partner/father figure as well right now.

There is literally nothing that op can do without putting herself in the firing line here, and she worked damned hard to get herself out of that situation.

Imo it's up to the mutual friends who are in contact with this woman to say something.

I would contact the police and ask them to consider a right to know disclosure to the new girlfriend.

Did the previous girlfriends ever report the abuse? These men rely on woman not doing so.

I am sorry you are going through this

This is a good idea.

I'm not an expert on this, but also think you could maybe contact social services?

also - women’s domestic abuse charities, like Women’s Aid might be able to give you some advice. they may know best procedure and IF the police can pay her a welfare visit ( the lack of any convictions may make that difficult for them to do)

he fucked up my daughter for a long time and she's still scared that he'll turn up outside the house again.

This swings it for me. While I completely understand you wanting to save someone else from what you went through, you can’t be sure you will even be believed. You simply can’t be responsible for everyone but you can make a difference within your own family. I would think of them and leave well alone. Getting involved may cause you or them more harm and you have to put your own dc first.

Getting involved may cause you or them more harm and you have to put your own dc first

This. There is no way I'd be putting my children at risk for a stranger. You are not responsible for whom she chooses to date, she likely won't believe you as he will lie about you and paint you as the psycho ex, and he might come round to threaten you or your children. No way would I risk that.

The man who murdered his pregnant girlfriend, her 2 children and friend and raped her 11 year old daughter had a history of abusing women. I would be contacting social services explaining what he had been arrested for and hopefully they will contact that woman and let her know he has a history of abuse. It might help her leave the relationship and put her children first.

Unlikely as there was no caution or prosecution even.

I've NC for this OP.

Whilst I'm not encouraging you to get directly in touch with her. I would suggest someone mutual tells her to do a Claires law.

My ex is horrifically abusive... he got in a new relationship midst court proceedings and put this new partner forward to be involved in supervising contact...

I found who she was and wanted to contact her but I refrained.

Few weeks later they split up...

So I contact her to find out if she's OK..

Turns out a leopard never changes his spots and he was horrifically abusive to her to.

Men like this don't change.

She told me she wish I had got in touch sooner.

I would bide your time OP. Don't put yourself at risk but do this via the right channels in suggesting a mutual friend speaks to her quietly about a Claires law application.

Warn her.

I was in a pretty new relationship and an acquaintance insisted we go for a coffee. Turns out his sister had gone out with my then boyfriend and he warned me about his romantic history - how this man nearly destroyed his sister. I won't go into detail but these days we'd call him.a narcissicist.

It was like the scales fell from my eyes. Suddenly strange behaviour and things I'd brushed off fell into place and I realised I had to end things. He made it hard to break up - we were already living together - another example of how he'd pushed me into something i wasn't comfortable with - and his behaviour during and after the break up was honestly scary. I really thought he'd hurt me.

I'm so grateful i was warned about him as it helped me see through all the love-bombing and I'm sure it saved me a lot of wasted time - if not my safety. I realised later some of the things he'd done were sexual assault - he was a bad'un.

If you can warn her while keeping yourself safe, I'd say do it

This is so hard to answer. My abusive ex told me his ex was crazy and made false allegations. So if she had tried to warn me I would have thought that explained it. Of course he then became abusive and I realised she probably was not the malicious lying nutter he said she was. I have to admit initially I didn't warn his new partner because until she came in the scene ex was still doing all he could to control and punish me using the kids and I'm court ordered to send them. Kids started coming home saying gf took them out because dad was sleeping and if they woke him he would have got angry again. Comments like this made me feel clearly she knows what he's like anyway but I put my kids safety first and she is protecting them. A while later she started getting in at me over the financials of our divorce and at that point I said are you aware of the history of not just me but previous exs he's got ABH and harassment arrests on his record maybe do a Claire's law don't just take my word for it but he said if I ever left he would take my house and this paperwork looks dodgy I will be needing a solicitor and you will have to wait while I save up for that. She is still with him. She replied saying I appreciate your comments come from a place of concern but he's not a dangerous man at all. Now we all just pretend nothing was said but by his lack of reaction I'm certain she never told him what I'd said

I'd be tempted to tell social service anonymously. Social service can then suggest she apply for a claire law application. He may have actual convictions you are not aware of.

Id tell her, or try and get a mutual friend to. You've said you have been to the police so I was wondering if someone (maybe ask the police for advice on this) suggest she does a Claire's law check on him.