SIL sabotaging my parenting decisions.

[Vindazoo]

I’m in the process of adopting four children who are now currently living with me. The eldest is 6. There has been a huge amount of trauma in their lives and things have been hard to navigate.

My SIL has 1 child through IVF and had failed attempts to have another but they stopped due to stress that impacted their family unit. She is baby mad but expects children to then be mini adults.

The six year old is in pulls ups during the day and a night nappy at night - there is a medical issue involved though everything may be resolved with time. Her young sibling 3 has come and has managed toilet training, is mostly dry during the day but is in a nappy at night. I haven’t shared any of this with anyone except the professionals that need to know. I’m not sure why I would need to?

I’ve also really reinforced the “pants rule” and told them nobody but me and them and some professionals that I will always be with them for is allowed to touch them. Me is only because of changing them, and there’s some suppositories that need given - all things professionals are helping, prescribing or advising on.

The 6 year old is mute with everyone but me, her siblings and toys. This is trauma driven. Unbeknown to me my SIL was touching her bottom scooting her into a room and noticed she was wearing a pull up. She asked me about it and I thought it was odd, maybe she was wet and it was more noticeable but I just replied and said she’s wearing pants.

SIL subsequently went on a snoop into the bathroom that 6 year old uses with all her pull ups and night nappies in. She also went into their bedrooms and saw their night clothes hanging up. Have multiple sheet changes due to nappies and covers coming off due to thrashing and nightmares they are all in Carters Sleepsuits which were recommended. ok so careful with my wording around all this to avoid shame and embarrassment.

My SIL has hit the roof and said I’m delaying their development, they should be in pants and dry at night by now, and that I’m causing them harm. She spoke about how only babies wearing pull ups in from of the 6 year old who can understand everything.

I’ve asked her repeatedly to stop this behaviour and her assertions against me. Things have gotten worse.

She is over the moon to be able to cuddle the younger two but I think she’s causing harm to the older two with what she’s saying.

AIBU to cut contact until they are out of night nappies which may take years so they don’t have to hear this crap?

I am by the way completely new to child raising, doing it whilst dealing with my only trauma and grief and trying my absolute best with advice from professionals.

There’s a bunch of other stuff she has issue with too and I get that she’s now grieving for her failed IVF attempts and this has probably brought a lot up for her but equally the kids have been through enough harm.

SIL I’m doing what the professionals advised and the dc are starting to thrive because of it, either butt out or get out.

Not unreasonable at all. Your children need safe adults in their life.

Not unreasonable at all.

also, my 6 year old who has had a lovely start to life with not a hint of trauma is still in pull ups at night. It’s completely within the realms of normal. It’s hormonal! You can’t teach a child to be dry at night if the hormones aren’t there.

Just have a quiet talk about it with her outside of your children's ear shot, tell her that you are not raising 'average' children, and that you are doing what is best for them, and she can either respect that and never comment or leave your lives.

Advocate for them as your children. If she speaks about it in front of them shut her down immediately. 'Do not speak about my children like that, if you don't like how we do things, you can leave, but you are not welcome to discuss anything to do with their development, not all children are the same, and these are mine and their perfect'

If she does it again after then say 'this discussion is closed' get her things and show her the door.

Absolutely keep her away.

There's an adoption board you might be interested in. Definitely lay down the law with her

Yes she needs banning from your lives. My friend has adopted two lovely children who are the same age as mine. I don’t comment on anything she does as I know her experience and their lives are completely different to ours. You sound like a great parent by the way.

Her IVF issues are irrelevant to her behaviour around your children. I wouldn't allow that shaming in their life.

Edit to add, it sounds like you're doing a great job.

Cut her out

I think the issue isn't so much what she said (which was awful), but the fact she feels like she has the right to say it. She needs to be told that YOU are in the process of adopting them and YOU will be making decisions in line with professionals in order to deal with issues that are none of her business. You need to be very blunt and tell her that if she doesn't respect your wishes, she isn't welcome back. Is she your brothers wife or husband's sister?

I would cut her out yes. Why on earth has she no compassion? You need support at this time return for your kindness.

I think applying a wider lens might be helpful here.

It sounds like you are doing a great job in not only trying to meet the children's needs but also in protecting their dignity and privacy.

It also sounds like there is a lot your SIL doesn't know. She is making judgements based on assumptions rather than all the facts. This isn't ideal, but isn't all that uncommon to encounter.

Throughout yours and the children's lives, you will encounter people who judge and make assumptions when they aren't party to relevant information. You and they, when older, will need to decide what to do about this and what you choose will depend on any given context (e.g who the person is, your resilience at the time, who else is impacted by your relation with the person etc.).

At the moment, the zeitgeist seems to be to respond in reactionary and absolute ways, viewing goodies and baddies in any given situation. This type of approach is tempting as it provides quick solutions and removes the uncertainty that comes when recognising the complexity of situations.

I expect you and the children will, in the long term, have richer lives if you can include in them people who love and care for you and them, even when these people hold different views to you. This requires being open to resolving differences through discussion and making requests etc. If that doesn't work, boundaries and no contact can represent needed action.

Having said all of that. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with at the moment and, in your position, I don't think I would have the emotional or cognitive capacity to be working on developing my relationships with my wider network. But, I would own this and be clear with myself and my sister in law why I was limiting who I was spending time with. Rather than believe that it's all because of her her faults and limitations, I am contributing to the issues through not taking time to work through them. This isn't about blaming yourself, but being honest with yourself about what is needed.

I'd go on the offensive tbh and email her or call her and say look, the other day what you said and did was really damaging.

These are children who need different things from other children and their physical and emotional needs are absolutely critical for them to thrive - i asked you not to do x and you did x, and OldestChild heard you and the impact was y z.

You could actively damage them and harm them further if you do this again as it undoes the work we are doing with them. I'm afraid I treat this as seriously as if you had thrown away their diabetic medication or fed a peanut to a child with an allergy.

Please don't ever go against the approach I've outlined again, it's not my random choice or self indulgent preference, but the guidelines for healing traumatised children that I am following.

If I see any hint of this again I'll have to ask you to leave and not see you with them anymore- and I would hate that because I love your company and I want them to build a family relationship with you too.

This is by the way assuming you had already taken the time to explain what they need, and your SIL knew all the info! Otherwise the poster above mine has a better perspective.

The loveliest, most well adapted teenager I know was wet at night until she was 9yo.
Tell your SIL that if she ever mentions this again, or even displays any signs that she’s thinking about it, then she will not be able to see your children.. and mean it!

I agree with what @BillionaireTea said. Put it in writing and make it very very clear.

Ask for this to be moved to the adoption board OP.
Those posters are a hard-core wealth of knowledge on this stuff.

As someone who's sil is a pain in the arse, you have my sympathy, as someone who understands trauma in children removed from birth families, you absolutely need to tell sil to either read up on parenting traumatised children or fuck off as far as her wee legs can take her.

Also 4 kids under 6 is pretty amazing, I'm in awe of you 💐
Enjoy your family OP, I'm sure you're a fabulous mama ❤

Gosh, what a great response. Almost felt a bit teary reading it!

She is outrageously interfering and that's horrible to your poor six year old. YANBU at all. Cutting her out will help protect your children from what sounds like quite a toxic person.

Incredibly graceful response from @Brainworm which is probably the best approach. Mix of understanding, working through things and setting clear boundaries.

I’m not sure what your comment about the sleepsuits meant, but I do wonder why you’re putting older children in them, especially children who still wear pull ups. It’s far easier to whip off the bottoms of a pair of pjs in the night than a full cover sleep suit!
Whilst your ‘pants’ rule is good, I can see some potential issues. Presumably the older child needs changing at school when you’re not there. It can’t be guaranteed that the same member of staff will support her. So you need to address this with her to ensure she understands that there may be times when you’re NOT there when she needs changing.
if you’re going to adopt 4 children with complex needs, you’re going to need a great deal of support. Especially if you also have some trauma which you mentioned. The children and you will benefit from a supportive wider family network, so it’s important that those family members have some understanding of their needs. Your SIL has passed comments on certain things about the elder child but doesn’t have a full understanding of their needs. So coming down hard on her is a bit unfair. By keeping their medical needs secret, you could inadvertently be sending a message to the children that there’s something wrong with needing to wear pull ups at their ages. My DGS is almost 6, he wears pull ups at night. We all know and when he sleeps over, he reminds us at bed time, and gets a spare one in case he wakes in the night and wants to change himself.

Take a step back from her. All kids are different especially those who have been through trauma. My oldest (who hasnt been through trauma) was still in pull ups until age 12. I tried everything to get them out and then one day they were just dry. He does have asd so not sure if that’s a factor here.

you sound like an incredible person to take on 4 siblings. It will be hard but worth it. They are so lucky to have you

You need a stress free environment for your children, your SIL needs to understand. My 6 year old is in pull ups 24/7 for medical reasons, feel free to message me.

*still in pull ups at night