SIL sabotaging my parenting decisions.

[Vindazoo]

I’m in the process of adopting four children who are now currently living with me. The eldest is 6. There has been a huge amount of trauma in their lives and things have been hard to navigate.

My SIL has 1 child through IVF and had failed attempts to have another but they stopped due to stress that impacted their family unit. She is baby mad but expects children to then be mini adults.

The six year old is in pulls ups during the day and a night nappy at night - there is a medical issue involved though everything may be resolved with time. Her young sibling 3 has come and has managed toilet training, is mostly dry during the day but is in a nappy at night. I haven’t shared any of this with anyone except the professionals that need to know. I’m not sure why I would need to?

I’ve also really reinforced the “pants rule” and told them nobody but me and them and some professionals that I will always be with them for is allowed to touch them. Me is only because of changing them, and there’s some suppositories that need given - all things professionals are helping, prescribing or advising on.

The 6 year old is mute with everyone but me, her siblings and toys. This is trauma driven. Unbeknown to me my SIL was touching her bottom scooting her into a room and noticed she was wearing a pull up. She asked me about it and I thought it was odd, maybe she was wet and it was more noticeable but I just replied and said she’s wearing pants.

SIL subsequently went on a snoop into the bathroom that 6 year old uses with all her pull ups and night nappies in. She also went into their bedrooms and saw their night clothes hanging up. Have multiple sheet changes due to nappies and covers coming off due to thrashing and nightmares they are all in Carters Sleepsuits which were recommended. ok so careful with my wording around all this to avoid shame and embarrassment.

My SIL has hit the roof and said I’m delaying their development, they should be in pants and dry at night by now, and that I’m causing them harm. She spoke about how only babies wearing pull ups in from of the 6 year old who can understand everything.

I’ve asked her repeatedly to stop this behaviour and her assertions against me. Things have gotten worse.

She is over the moon to be able to cuddle the younger two but I think she’s causing harm to the older two with what she’s saying.

AIBU to cut contact until they are out of night nappies which may take years so they don’t have to hear this crap?

I am by the way completely new to child raising, doing it whilst dealing with my only trauma and grief and trying my absolute best with advice from professionals.

There’s a bunch of other stuff she has issue with too and I get that she’s now grieving for her failed IVF attempts and this has probably brought a lot up for her but equally the kids have been through enough harm.

I will say that in my experience it’s not unknown for those who’ve been the only mum in their generation in a family to have a bit of a tantrum when they lose that privileged position. And your SIL has moved from mum of the one and only grandchild to her child being one of five. No wonder she’s throwing her weight around.

I would advise telling her very firmly that parenting kids recovering from trauma is very different. She has two choices: to educate herself and support you, or to accept that you’re doing things differently without judgement. She can’t have both.

I'd just drop SIL a message and say something like "dear SIL, you may not have realised but you were discussing matters relating to my kids development in front of my kids. I have full support from professionals for my kids development and you won't be party to all the information/plans we have. If you have questions please refer to me but Please don't though have these conversations in front of my kids, it's potentially damaging for them. Hopefully you can understand and appreciate your support "

My SIL has hit the roof and said I’m delaying their development, they should be in pants and dry at night by now, and that I’m causing them harm.

When the kids are around:
"I am working with professionals who know the kids well and I'm following their advice about what's best for each of them. They are really happy with how they are developing so you don't need to worry or tell me your opinions thanks'

When the kids are not around:
"you visit them as their aunt for cuddles and fun but do not snoop and do not tell me in front of them that I am not parenting them correctly and am causing harm. They have professionals including social workers helping us with any issues and making sure they thrive and they are happy with progress. Everyone else needs to keep their opinions to themselves as they don't have the full facts."

PS another in awe of you. If anything happens to my DB and SIL I am in the will to take their DC but suddenly taking on four children who are going through so much is a really big life change at a difficult time. Wishing you all the very best for the future. From reading your post you are going to do a great job.

Sorry haven't rtft so I'm sure I'm repeating advice, but just in case: I'd text her along the lines of "hi SIL, couldn't speak with you about this in front of the kids so figured text was better. Please don't comment on DC's pull-ups again. Because of their trauma, the DC have different needs and need different parenting to other children. I'm sure there will be many times over the years where what's best for DC and what's best for DN will be different and I'd rather not draw DC's attention to that, they have it tough enough as it is. Please just trust that we're working with the experts on children with trauma and working to help them settle into our home as best we can."

She may genuinely not have put two and two together. Tell her firmly but kindly once and then if anything happens again distance yourselves pronto.

You need to have a very firm talk with her - or send her a message/email - and tell her that your children have very specific needs due to the serious trauma/neglect of their early lives and that you are working closely with professionals who know your children’s history. Tell her that she is absolutely NOT to talk like this in front of the children EVER again and that she is NOT to judge your parenting when she doesn’t know the details of your children’s backgrounds. She also needs to be told that you won’t be sharing those details with her because the children are entitled to their privacy and you do not need to justify yourself to her. She needs to respect that if there is something she notices that seems unusual in the way you parent your children, there is a reason for it and you may not be able to tell her what that reason is.

If she wants to be a good auntie to your children, she needs to love and accept all four of them for who they are, and to understand that they’re all overcoming the challenges of their earlier lives.

You sound like an amazing mum.

Tell your SIL very firmly to butt out. I think you are very brave taking on children with extra needs, society needs people like you to give children a loving home rather than languishing in the care system. I wish I could but I'm getting a bit too old now x

If your own trauma is linked to some thing to do with your family it’s probably likely there’s a very unhealthy dynamic and you could be better off avoiding contact. Otherwise do you think SIL would listen if you tried to explain? It’s seems very obvious to most that children who have been through trauma would have issues that need dealing with very sensitively but some people do need more explicit instructions. It all sounds very difficult for you with your own trauma and now 4 young children with special needs. I hope you’re getting support from ss

You politely tell her to stop interfering and stop prying. That her interference is not welcome and that you, with professional advice, will manage their care.

I'd be going low contact with someone that judgemental and entitled. Her actions in only cuddling the smaller children won't be great for the 6yo either.

Her IVF journey is irrelevant. Your priority is the children.

I think lying probably didn't help the situation. It's an added layer of confusion to the SIL. If it were me in the first instance I'd have said "I'll talk to you another time" to shut down the conversation. And cut off her ranting with this is not a conversation to have with the kids.

Having worked with adults who had the sort of traumatic lives your children have had in the past I want to thank you for adopting a sibling group and giving them the love all children deserve.

You are right to cut out your SIL if she refuses to change her behaviour and it seems like you have spoken to her on more than one occasion. Keep engaging with all the professionals. Her IVF journey has no bearing when it comes to how these children need to be cared for.

I just also want to say that it’s a great step that the child who has selective mutism will speak to you now as they trust you enough.

Exactly this. They are your children and they are your priority. You’re doing a great job.

@Vindazoo I wouldnt have her in my house again! who does she think she is snooping in the rooms?? her opinions are invalid and you are doing everything possible for the benefit of those poor kids. well done to you because that is a really big thing you are doing keeping all the kids from one family together. your husband should be telling her to butt out of things which do not concern her! good luck for the future with your lovely family. may it always be filled with love x

Absolutely this.

She sounds ignorant at best and at worst, a self righteous bitch.

I was under the impression that literally everyone knew that 'shaming' any child for being at whatever stage of potty training they're at is a terrible idea. And that's before you even start to consider trauma etc.

What a gross invasion of your children's privacy. She had absolutely no right to behave the way she did. Personally I wouldn't engage in any discussions about why you're parenting in the way you are. Instead I'd tell her in no uncertain terms that she has violated your and your children's privacy and dignity and needs to apologise. And that if she ever oversteps like that again, she won't be welcome in your children's home or around them as their privacy, dignity and comfort come before her "opinions" on matters which don't concern her at all.

Hypermobility can be linked to bowel and continence issues I think you will find lots of children in the same situation as your 6 year old.
Do you know some of the period pants companies make very small sized underwear? My daughter's friend was very slim at 10 (size 4 child underwear) and still got her period then bless her - I found her child sized period knickers. I was thinking this might help for school as the child gets older?

Sorry to clarify might help with incontinence issues at school.

Your sister is talking out of her arse. We adopted a 3 year old who had experienced a great deal of neglect and who was delayed across the board. He got there in the end, at his own pace. Added to which, if they have recently moved to you then you need to try to keep their routines and expectations as much as the same as you can and if sleep suits are what they have been used to, it's not something that needs to be changed immediately.

Carry on doing what you are doing. Tell your SIL that there is a world of difference between a single child who has been parented "good enough" and a sibling group who have experienced god know what trauma in their young lives, and rather than being critical it would be great if she could learn and offer sensible support, not knee jerk reactions to something she blatantly knows nothing about.

Meantime, don't have her round again, she had no right to go snooping through your and their possessions.

And bloody well done for taking on a sibling group of four. It's going to be tough, but hopefully very rewarding in the end 💐👍

You should make the cutting off permanent.
It sounds like she will always have a problem with something you are doing. Even when the night nappies are sorted, she will find new topics to rage about.
Your kids don’t need this in their lives. My kids aren’t from a traumatic background but some of them needed nappies at night when they were 6 because they didn’t have the hormone that wakes them up at night when they needed to wee. Your SIL is behaving outrageously and will cause damage if allowed access.

I agree, she can fuck off. This has made me feel angry on your behalf. My dd who has asd and hypermobility struggled with toileting far past the normal age. I would have had zero tolerance for any one who wasn’t supportive. I also have no time for the idea she is grieving over the ivf, she is a grown woman who should be able to see that a traumatised 6 year old takes priority.

You haven’t said how long the kids have been with you, but the early days are very hard going indeed. I’d not make any decisions about going low/no contact until the kids have been with you for a couple of years.

Lots of people have very odd, stigmatising views about adoption and adopted children, you will literally spend the next 10 years educating people on everything from terminology (yes they are “my own” children, and no they aren’t damaged) to discipline (no I don’t want child’s name on a traffic light system in class), to toiletting. You’re going to need patience and resilience because people will question your decision making all the time - if you decide to detach from everyone who ever questions you, you’ll end up very isolated.

You’ll be sensitive about your parenting, and reeling from the huge adjustment, and feeling very precious about your kids. You need to set reasonable boundaries (we don’t talk about the kids challenges in front of them), give enough information so she can help care for them/support you where necessary, protect the circumstances of their adoption but remember your sister and wider family are coming to this new, without the training and information you’ve had. You may need to set the same boundaries over again for awhile.

You do need to grow a thicker skin, the ability to divert or shut down inappropriate conversation (professionals are very prone to speaking plainly about your child’s history in front of them), and look at how families can help because you’re really going to need help parenting 4 traumatised children.

Its early days, you’re learning to be a parent, she’s learning to be an aunt.

Head over to the adoption boards, we’re a very friendly, supportive, experienced bunch.

Hi Op. I really agree with @Brainworm - this is family life and black and white approaches don't lead to the best decisions. Yes your SIL is being unfair and ignorant in her approach but she is family who loves you and presumably wants to be a good aunty in the long run. She isn't perfect but family life isn't perfect.

People come on Mumsnet and say things like 'cut her off'! and you have to ask is that really going to be what makes you happy in the long run

While I don't have experience as an adoptive parent I can offer I think a useful perspective as one of my children is autistic

Believe me, I have had my share of opinion on many aspects of parenting my child from outsiders/ from family - much of it ignorant even if well meaning.

This is just time to grow a pair ! You are the mum now and you have the speciifc understanding of raising children with additional needs.

take Sil out for a coffee and say - hey I need to share with you some understanding of X and X's additional needs as it's so important to me that you as their auntie understands this.

Before you leap to cutting her off you need to give her the chance to learn.
I have a child who bedwets and I toally get the need to protect them - but you also need SIL to be given the info she needs.

SIL needs a reminder to stop being so damn judgemental. Even non-traumatised children may need to wait to be dry. 7 or 8 is hardly uncommon.

Have you ever had a convo with sil and her partner about the children, their medical needs and superficial background?

Not sure issue with sleep suits. My 15 yr old chooses to sleep in a onsie

Have you been told to do 'funnelling' when the child/ren came home, whereby the visitors to the house were super limited and no one touched the child/ren apart from the new parent/s. (To enable attachment to the new parents and reduce over enthusiastic contact from wider family or friends.)